I am homesick. Isn't that silly? I am homesick and I don't have a home to be sick for. I want to go home, yet there is no home for me to run to.
I am homesick for a man. He is the only one to see me as a little girl and see not a plaything, not a body to be used, not a heart to stomp on, not a spirit to break, not a soul to poison. He saw the one thing I have always wanted to be.
A daughter.
I have only ever truly wanted one thing. A father's love. And he has given me a small taste of it. Two years of unabashed devotion and care. As much care as he could muster.
I have spent my life being used and abused by others. He taught me selfishness, in that I don't want him to show anyone but me his fatherly devotion. He taught me carefree-ness, in that I didn't have to be scared he would sell me or give me away while I was with him. I could relax, because I knew he would be there when I opened the door, no matter what or when.
I run to that door now and all I find is emptiness. He has retired, and moved, no longer able in his advanced age to take care of things like he used to. His bones ache, and his mind forgets things so easily now. I email him all the time, but there is no answer. He doesn't understand computers very well.
It is unfair and cruel that he found me so late in his life. But nothing in my life has been fair. I am grateful for the two years I got with him. Another thing I learned while with him was that the old adage that "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" is half true and half false. I am grateful that I now know the loving embrace of a father and of a family. I am bitter that my time in the sun was so short.
When the starved dog is given steak, can you blame him for no longer enjoying the bits of beef thrown his way every now and then as much as he used to?
The heart dies a slow death. Some days I wish he had never found me and taken me in, so that I wouldn't know the bitter taste of loss. It is far easier to suffer a longing for something you never had in the first place. It is so much worse to know how good and safe and life-affirming something is and then to have it snatched away right when you are comfortable and at ease.
Thursday, December 22, 2016
Monday, July 18, 2016
Lovex
Lovex is one of the greatest bands to come out of Finland, my home. This is not to be denied. No one has disputed this, but it bears repeating. Lovex has been a band since about 2001. They started out as a goth tinged emo-glam rock group that played fucking fantastic songs. I'm serious, their 2006 debut, Divine Insanity, is one of the greatest debut albums I have ever heard.
Cute, right? Eye-catching at least. Their next album, Pretend or Surrender, followed in 2008, and was more gold, more heart felt, emotional lyrics that really touched people. All of their songs described things that real people went through and struggled with. On both albums, they touched on teen suicide, bullying, cheating girl/boyfriends, depression, and hope.
Still quite firmly gothish and alternative, but with a bit more maturity. Very sexy, no? After this was a period of silence which was slightly worrisome. They randomly released a few alone standing singles with no connection to each other, which were quite good and followed in the same style and vein as classic Lovex.
And this is apparently where Lovex lost their goddamn minds.
Third album Watch Out! took a year longer to make than the time it took to create their previous two albums, so fans were all expecting something big. We got.....a normal looking Lovex.
Okay, looking back now, this isn't such a shock, and actually they look like they merely matured their old goth look into something that would attract more than some angsty teenagers, but when they came out with this promo, people shat themselves. The general consensus was, WHAT on earth was this and where had the goth gone? Third album, Watch Out! was pop rock. Plain and simple, it wasn't like their previous efforts hardly at all. I understand becoming more accessible and wanting to reach out past Finland and Scandinavia and wanting to be on more of a global stage. And Watch Out! was a good segue into that. It still sounded like Lovex, but like an adultier Lovex. The majority of the songs were still really wonderful and heart-wrenchingly beautiful.
We should have seen it coming with the release of Watch Out!'s second single, "USA". It was basically a vomit of pandering for US fans and media attention. It's so blatant in it's approach that I honestly thought they were being sarcastic and were actually slamming the US. They weren't, they really recorded a song about how great the United States is. It was very confusing.
We should have all apologized for our initial complaints about Watch Out! right then. We knew not what we did, nor what was coming.
This is Lovex in 2013. A lot of their initial fans had given up on them, not wanting to see their once genius deteriorate any further, after seeing State of Mind's promo pictures. We weren't asking them to stay 20 forever. We weren't asking them to wear the same style of clothes from ten years prior. We just asked them to continue their efforts in making really beautiful lyrics that touched people and saved lives. They did not. Watch Out! was tolerable because some of the songs stayed true to Lovex. State of Mind felt like a giant middle finger to every Lovex fan who had loved their first two albums.
If I hadn't known it was definitely Lovex, and most certainly Torsti/Theon singing, I would never believe that State of Mind was performed by the same band that played Divine Insanity. It was so superficial, all of it; from the album cover to the slickly produced songs, to the empty lyrics. I was saddened and shocked, along with many other people. "Action" was okay, really. It was quite good, but not in comparison to previous efforts. There were still vomit-inducing US worship in "California," for god only knows why reasons.
"Don Juan" was gross. It was skeevy, and odd, and didn't fit in well. Lovex didn't write about fucking lots of women, Lovex told you not to kill yourself! They gave fans an escape! They cared about the state of young adults in Finland! Lovex obviously wanted to conquer the US, and now they were essentially sacrificing their reputations and potentially their fans to do it.
Only problem? The US didn't pay attention. They didn't become the next big thing in the United States, and if you want Lovex albums, you still have to order them online from Finland. I'm fairly sure that nowhere in the US can you walk into a store and find a Lovex album, unless it's a second hand store and you're extremely lucky.
So, Lovex released the single "Dust Into Diamonds" last month. Yes, I still keep up to date, because one day they might all come to their god damn senses and go back to their winning formula.
It's pop, electro-pop at that. It's auto-tuned, and the guitars can barely be heard. What else did we expect by now? Go to any recent Lovex music video and you're besieged by disgruntled Lovex fans who adore their REAL selves and cannot abide while they hide their genius behind cheap American style pop. Many fans are like me and merely check in to Lovex's latest release only because that's how good their first two albums were. Nearly eight years since they changed their sound, and we're all still hoping they'll go back.
Divine Insanity and Pretend or Surrender are now considered classic Finnish goth-glam rock, like old The Rasmus or Negative. Their old music videos are still hailed as some of the best works to have ever come out in the past decade or so.
The truth is, Lovex won't ever be goth again. They won't write about suffering and how to get through it. They won't write insanely good rock anthems again. They've chosen their path, and they're a pop band now. And we should all accept it. Accept it and still buy their albums because we just have to love them for the escape they gave us when we were at our lowest, Or accept it and abandon new Lovex, and just play Divine Insanity and Pretend or Surrender on repeat, I guess.
Cute, right? Eye-catching at least. Their next album, Pretend or Surrender, followed in 2008, and was more gold, more heart felt, emotional lyrics that really touched people. All of their songs described things that real people went through and struggled with. On both albums, they touched on teen suicide, bullying, cheating girl/boyfriends, depression, and hope.
Still quite firmly gothish and alternative, but with a bit more maturity. Very sexy, no? After this was a period of silence which was slightly worrisome. They randomly released a few alone standing singles with no connection to each other, which were quite good and followed in the same style and vein as classic Lovex.
And this is apparently where Lovex lost their goddamn minds.
Third album Watch Out! took a year longer to make than the time it took to create their previous two albums, so fans were all expecting something big. We got.....a normal looking Lovex.
Okay, looking back now, this isn't such a shock, and actually they look like they merely matured their old goth look into something that would attract more than some angsty teenagers, but when they came out with this promo, people shat themselves. The general consensus was, WHAT on earth was this and where had the goth gone? Third album, Watch Out! was pop rock. Plain and simple, it wasn't like their previous efforts hardly at all. I understand becoming more accessible and wanting to reach out past Finland and Scandinavia and wanting to be on more of a global stage. And Watch Out! was a good segue into that. It still sounded like Lovex, but like an adultier Lovex. The majority of the songs were still really wonderful and heart-wrenchingly beautiful.
We should have seen it coming with the release of Watch Out!'s second single, "USA". It was basically a vomit of pandering for US fans and media attention. It's so blatant in it's approach that I honestly thought they were being sarcastic and were actually slamming the US. They weren't, they really recorded a song about how great the United States is. It was very confusing.
We should have all apologized for our initial complaints about Watch Out! right then. We knew not what we did, nor what was coming.
This is Lovex in 2013. A lot of their initial fans had given up on them, not wanting to see their once genius deteriorate any further, after seeing State of Mind's promo pictures. We weren't asking them to stay 20 forever. We weren't asking them to wear the same style of clothes from ten years prior. We just asked them to continue their efforts in making really beautiful lyrics that touched people and saved lives. They did not. Watch Out! was tolerable because some of the songs stayed true to Lovex. State of Mind felt like a giant middle finger to every Lovex fan who had loved their first two albums.
If I hadn't known it was definitely Lovex, and most certainly Torsti/Theon singing, I would never believe that State of Mind was performed by the same band that played Divine Insanity. It was so superficial, all of it; from the album cover to the slickly produced songs, to the empty lyrics. I was saddened and shocked, along with many other people. "Action" was okay, really. It was quite good, but not in comparison to previous efforts. There were still vomit-inducing US worship in "California," for god only knows why reasons.
"Don Juan" was gross. It was skeevy, and odd, and didn't fit in well. Lovex didn't write about fucking lots of women, Lovex told you not to kill yourself! They gave fans an escape! They cared about the state of young adults in Finland! Lovex obviously wanted to conquer the US, and now they were essentially sacrificing their reputations and potentially their fans to do it.
Only problem? The US didn't pay attention. They didn't become the next big thing in the United States, and if you want Lovex albums, you still have to order them online from Finland. I'm fairly sure that nowhere in the US can you walk into a store and find a Lovex album, unless it's a second hand store and you're extremely lucky.
So, Lovex released the single "Dust Into Diamonds" last month. Yes, I still keep up to date, because one day they might all come to their god damn senses and go back to their winning formula.
It's pop, electro-pop at that. It's auto-tuned, and the guitars can barely be heard. What else did we expect by now? Go to any recent Lovex music video and you're besieged by disgruntled Lovex fans who adore their REAL selves and cannot abide while they hide their genius behind cheap American style pop. Many fans are like me and merely check in to Lovex's latest release only because that's how good their first two albums were. Nearly eight years since they changed their sound, and we're all still hoping they'll go back.
Divine Insanity and Pretend or Surrender are now considered classic Finnish goth-glam rock, like old The Rasmus or Negative. Their old music videos are still hailed as some of the best works to have ever come out in the past decade or so.
The truth is, Lovex won't ever be goth again. They won't write about suffering and how to get through it. They won't write insanely good rock anthems again. They've chosen their path, and they're a pop band now. And we should all accept it. Accept it and still buy their albums because we just have to love them for the escape they gave us when we were at our lowest, Or accept it and abandon new Lovex, and just play Divine Insanity and Pretend or Surrender on repeat, I guess.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
If love is a joke, then go ahead and use me ruthlessly
I got a tumblr and made it a Girl's Day fanblog so it took up a lot of my time.
I couldn't wait for YW to go back home for the summer this year. It killed me last year, this year I almost looked forward to it. I don't know this man anymore. He isn't the same. Somehow he gives me even less than he did before. It's like I'm constantly taking some kind of test and if I don't pass, he just reminds me I'll never be with him and never be good enough for him or anyone like him.
My sister got married. He's a cool guy. He makes her and my other sister actually treat me like a human being twice a year so that's cool. My birth dad was there. Didn't say one word to me. Couldn't even muster the fucking balls to look me in the eyes. The priest talked about the sanctity of marriage and how a marriage is a treat for two best friends, the reward for how much they put forth for each other.
My birth father, A, sat two rows in front of me with the woman he cheated on my mother with and threw us out for. When the priest talked about this, they held hands and looked at each other. I was designated the interpreter for my sister's step-father's father who had recently had a stroke that affected his speech, since I'm so good at accents (?). I had no other role in the wedding. My mother did, my sister ex-step-mother had a role. I did not. I started crying in the middle of the ceremony because it was too much. It was too much seeing this family of pretend people living pretend lives with their pretend soul mates and having them all reject me. I blamed it on me and YW fighting.
I wanted YW to come. I wanted him to sit next to me as a reminder that I wasn't like the rest of them and that was okay. I had a different life as them, and that was okay. He told me an hour before the ceremony that he "didn't feel like" going. Said it'd make him uncomfortable. Because, you know, it was going to be so easy for me to attend this wedding and see all of these people who saw me as this pathetic ex-rehab patient who couldn't be expected to behave like a civilized human and thus must be excluded from the wedding as much as possible without "setting me off".
He left me, knowing it was the first time I'd be seeing my birth father since he threw me out of MY childhood home so his skanked up barfly HOE could move in. He left me, knowing I didn't want to go alone. Because he "didn't feel like it".
I don't feel like reassuring him a thousand times every time we hang out that he's handsome. I don't feel like hearing that I'm dumb. I don't feel like being constantly reminded "I'm not your boyfriend" every time he decides I've said something too chummy. I don't feel like being made to feel worthless and pushed aside every time someone more attractive walks by him. I don't feel like being paraded around his friends while they look me up and down and talk in Malay about how "she's hot, and you've got her wrapped around your finger? Too bad she's crazy." "she does whatever you want? It's like the perfect relationship, you don't have to do anything and she does everything else!" I'm not stupid and some of the Malaysian girls hate you and will gladly translate for me.
I don't feel like being put on the shelf and ignored every time you just feel like I've been asking for too much lately. But I do it all and I don't even know why. I hate this. I hate him. But I love him. Except I hate him. I hate him for making me feel like I'm nothing without him. I hate him for brainwashing me into thinking this pseudo-relationship was healthy and worth my time and effort. I hate him for gradually treating me like shit more and more at a pace that I didn't even notice it was so bad until I gained a new friend and they suddenly asked, "That guy's a dick, no offense, but why are you dating him?" I replied I wasn't dating him and they responded, "So he's not even giving you sex or affection or anything? Why on earth are you letting him?!" And I fully realized that the gifts had stopped.
The compliments had stopped. The sweet good mornings had stopped. The check in texts had stopped. The random hi's had stopped. The 'I miss you's had stopped. The care had stopped. He wasn't even putting on a front of pseudo-boyfriend care anymore, he was just flat out using me. He was using me for affection so he could feel better about himself. He was using me for love and affection without having to give anything in return and yelled at me when I asked for more. I talked about my problems and he ignored them. He said it wasn't important to him so he didn't want to listen. And I let him. I'm a pathetic loser. And he knows it. And he just takes and takes and takes what he wants and says piss off about the rest, the rest of me he can't get anything useful out of. The rest of me that isn't good enough for him, not pretty enough, not quiet enough, not demure enough, not whatever-the-hell-else-he-thinks-I'm-not enough.
I'm in love with a man who treats me just like my abusive, deadbeat, selfish, pathetic, worthless, horrible, insane, delusional, obese, hateful birth father did. If he slapped me and worded his thinly disguised insults as flat out cruelty, it'd be the exact same. And I hate him. But I love him. Except I hate him. I'm glad he's back in his home country right now. I can't deal with him being near me. I miss his affection so much and he doesn't even care. If I want to see him or talk to him, I have to reach out first. Because he's my one and only and I am nothing but a toy to him. His life goes on and mine is meandering without a destination, because I'm a pathetic loser who wasted a year and a half of my life on someone who sucked all the care, love, affection, and goodness out of me and spat out my empty shell and moved on without looking back.
I couldn't wait for YW to go back home for the summer this year. It killed me last year, this year I almost looked forward to it. I don't know this man anymore. He isn't the same. Somehow he gives me even less than he did before. It's like I'm constantly taking some kind of test and if I don't pass, he just reminds me I'll never be with him and never be good enough for him or anyone like him.
My sister got married. He's a cool guy. He makes her and my other sister actually treat me like a human being twice a year so that's cool. My birth dad was there. Didn't say one word to me. Couldn't even muster the fucking balls to look me in the eyes. The priest talked about the sanctity of marriage and how a marriage is a treat for two best friends, the reward for how much they put forth for each other.
My birth father, A, sat two rows in front of me with the woman he cheated on my mother with and threw us out for. When the priest talked about this, they held hands and looked at each other. I was designated the interpreter for my sister's step-father's father who had recently had a stroke that affected his speech, since I'm so good at accents (?). I had no other role in the wedding. My mother did, my sister ex-step-mother had a role. I did not. I started crying in the middle of the ceremony because it was too much. It was too much seeing this family of pretend people living pretend lives with their pretend soul mates and having them all reject me. I blamed it on me and YW fighting.
I wanted YW to come. I wanted him to sit next to me as a reminder that I wasn't like the rest of them and that was okay. I had a different life as them, and that was okay. He told me an hour before the ceremony that he "didn't feel like" going. Said it'd make him uncomfortable. Because, you know, it was going to be so easy for me to attend this wedding and see all of these people who saw me as this pathetic ex-rehab patient who couldn't be expected to behave like a civilized human and thus must be excluded from the wedding as much as possible without "setting me off".
He left me, knowing it was the first time I'd be seeing my birth father since he threw me out of MY childhood home so his skanked up barfly HOE could move in. He left me, knowing I didn't want to go alone. Because he "didn't feel like it".
I don't feel like reassuring him a thousand times every time we hang out that he's handsome. I don't feel like hearing that I'm dumb. I don't feel like being constantly reminded "I'm not your boyfriend" every time he decides I've said something too chummy. I don't feel like being made to feel worthless and pushed aside every time someone more attractive walks by him. I don't feel like being paraded around his friends while they look me up and down and talk in Malay about how "she's hot, and you've got her wrapped around your finger? Too bad she's crazy." "she does whatever you want? It's like the perfect relationship, you don't have to do anything and she does everything else!" I'm not stupid and some of the Malaysian girls hate you and will gladly translate for me.
I don't feel like being put on the shelf and ignored every time you just feel like I've been asking for too much lately. But I do it all and I don't even know why. I hate this. I hate him. But I love him. Except I hate him. I hate him for making me feel like I'm nothing without him. I hate him for brainwashing me into thinking this pseudo-relationship was healthy and worth my time and effort. I hate him for gradually treating me like shit more and more at a pace that I didn't even notice it was so bad until I gained a new friend and they suddenly asked, "That guy's a dick, no offense, but why are you dating him?" I replied I wasn't dating him and they responded, "So he's not even giving you sex or affection or anything? Why on earth are you letting him?!" And I fully realized that the gifts had stopped.
The compliments had stopped. The sweet good mornings had stopped. The check in texts had stopped. The random hi's had stopped. The 'I miss you's had stopped. The care had stopped. He wasn't even putting on a front of pseudo-boyfriend care anymore, he was just flat out using me. He was using me for affection so he could feel better about himself. He was using me for love and affection without having to give anything in return and yelled at me when I asked for more. I talked about my problems and he ignored them. He said it wasn't important to him so he didn't want to listen. And I let him. I'm a pathetic loser. And he knows it. And he just takes and takes and takes what he wants and says piss off about the rest, the rest of me he can't get anything useful out of. The rest of me that isn't good enough for him, not pretty enough, not quiet enough, not demure enough, not whatever-the-hell-else-he-thinks-I'm-not enough.
I'm in love with a man who treats me just like my abusive, deadbeat, selfish, pathetic, worthless, horrible, insane, delusional, obese, hateful birth father did. If he slapped me and worded his thinly disguised insults as flat out cruelty, it'd be the exact same. And I hate him. But I love him. Except I hate him. I'm glad he's back in his home country right now. I can't deal with him being near me. I miss his affection so much and he doesn't even care. If I want to see him or talk to him, I have to reach out first. Because he's my one and only and I am nothing but a toy to him. His life goes on and mine is meandering without a destination, because I'm a pathetic loser who wasted a year and a half of my life on someone who sucked all the care, love, affection, and goodness out of me and spat out my empty shell and moved on without looking back.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Ppittureojillae
I really fucking wish I had some other friends. But no, BRILLIANT me had to fall for the only fricking friend I have that sticks around consistently. And, yeah, he's a dumb asshole who doesn't seem to realize when he fucking crushes my feelings, but he's all I got.
"You don't count as a girl"
"Yeah, but girls' opinions matter more than yours"
"You're not a real girl, not like an actual one, you know?"
Now, it would be totally understandable if he said this things and was clueless about the way I felt. But no, this guy is completely aware of how heart wrenching-ly in love with him I am and still says these things. Don't get me wrong; I am well aware that he will never return even one iota of my feelings, I chose to stay around him because I like being his friends. I just wish he wasn't a dick about my feelings.
I compliment people I know, everyone is well aware of this; I'm that nice person who no one seems to know where they came from, but all know that they get along with most everyone. So when I tell him, "Hey, that color looks good on you." Or, "You look nice, what's the occasion?" Tell me why this dude reacts like I just pulled a Gilderoy Lockhart on him and dropped a flipping mangy singing dwarf on his legs. (I reread Chamber of Secrets recently, can you tell?) NO SHIT, I know you don't want me, it's not like I proposed fricking marriage, I said you looked nice.
He says it'd be easier if I would just move on. Oh really? It would make your life easier because you feel a tiny bit awkward when I say you look nice or when one of your friends or teachers asks if I'm your girlfriend? Really? Because that sounds like a fucking picnic compared to my situation of having to listen to you drone on about how no girl wants you or even notices you, how hot some passing girl is, how you INTENTIONALLY try to make me jealous and then get put out when I don't do anything. Or whenever I bring up a guy I'm interested in or just met, you roll your eyes and change the subject, or bitch and moan how they're taking my attention away from you. I LOVE IT LET ME TELL YOU. You don't get to monopolize all my time, then constantly tell me you don't want me, then get shitty when I try to date other people. YOU TOLD ME TO GET OVER YOU WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
I don't understand what the fuck he wants from me and my patience is running real thin. I'm the kind of person where if you're not gonna shit, get off the pot. You can't ride two horses with one ass. Don't sit in the desert with your mouth open waiting for it to rain; you'll just wait yourself to death. Oh my god, I will never get rid of my mother's backwoods folklore, will I?
I just want him to go away, he's more trouble than he's worth, honestly.
"You don't count as a girl"
"Yeah, but girls' opinions matter more than yours"
"You're not a real girl, not like an actual one, you know?"
Now, it would be totally understandable if he said this things and was clueless about the way I felt. But no, this guy is completely aware of how heart wrenching-ly in love with him I am and still says these things. Don't get me wrong; I am well aware that he will never return even one iota of my feelings, I chose to stay around him because I like being his friends. I just wish he wasn't a dick about my feelings.
I compliment people I know, everyone is well aware of this; I'm that nice person who no one seems to know where they came from, but all know that they get along with most everyone. So when I tell him, "Hey, that color looks good on you." Or, "You look nice, what's the occasion?" Tell me why this dude reacts like I just pulled a Gilderoy Lockhart on him and dropped a flipping mangy singing dwarf on his legs. (I reread Chamber of Secrets recently, can you tell?) NO SHIT, I know you don't want me, it's not like I proposed fricking marriage, I said you looked nice.
He says it'd be easier if I would just move on. Oh really? It would make your life easier because you feel a tiny bit awkward when I say you look nice or when one of your friends or teachers asks if I'm your girlfriend? Really? Because that sounds like a fucking picnic compared to my situation of having to listen to you drone on about how no girl wants you or even notices you, how hot some passing girl is, how you INTENTIONALLY try to make me jealous and then get put out when I don't do anything. Or whenever I bring up a guy I'm interested in or just met, you roll your eyes and change the subject, or bitch and moan how they're taking my attention away from you. I LOVE IT LET ME TELL YOU. You don't get to monopolize all my time, then constantly tell me you don't want me, then get shitty when I try to date other people. YOU TOLD ME TO GET OVER YOU WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
I don't understand what the fuck he wants from me and my patience is running real thin. I'm the kind of person where if you're not gonna shit, get off the pot. You can't ride two horses with one ass. Don't sit in the desert with your mouth open waiting for it to rain; you'll just wait yourself to death. Oh my god, I will never get rid of my mother's backwoods folklore, will I?
I just want him to go away, he's more trouble than he's worth, honestly.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
You Were a Beautiful Liar
I can't live like this anymore. I sat here and waited for you for months. I waited for you to call me, text me, something, because I made you my whole world. You were the sun whose warmth I gravitated towards. I wore the necklace with the charm you gave me on it every day. I touched it and wondered what you were up to, if you were happy. Your happiness was my job. I lived to make you happy, because it was the only thing I wanted to do, the only thing I wanted to see.
You told me you didn't want me the way I wanted you. You told me that a long time ago. I still stayed, foolishly thinking that one day you'd change your mind. I thought about it endlessly, dreaming of the day you would look at me with one tenth of the love I look at you with.
When you left for home over the summer, you were so upset that I couldn't see you to the airport. You were actually angry at me, something I'd never seen before. Angry, because you couldn't see me. The day before that, you gave me a charm of a turtle. You remembered that my Appa told me to dress nicer at the dojang, so that meant no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirts. I've loved them my whole life, and you remembered that, and gave me something from your heart. I thought it had finally come, the day that you would realize you loved me.
We talked endlessly while you were gone. Every day, multiple times. Then, it was only once a day. Then, a few times a week. Then once a week. Then only when you remembered. You were back in the country, the same state, the same fucking city as me for four days before you remembered to let me know. You told me when you left you wanted me to come get you from the airport, so you could see me as soon as possible. What happened to that?
I waited for you. I waited so long for you. Not just for you to come back to America, but for you to love me. I wanted everything about you, even the bad things, because you were absolutely perfect to me. It sunk in today, that you really don't want me. And I was an idiot to think that would change.
You used to listen to all my inane thoughts for hours, you said I was fascinating. Now I can't even get you to talk to me. What happened while you were gone? Did you realize how pathetic I was? How crazy I was for doing literally everything under the sun you asked of me just for a little praise?
Or did you find someone else?
Even the thought of that makes me want to tear my heart out. I don't know what you wanted from me, or what you were getting from me, but it's obvious that I'm not doing it anymore. And, I don't want to live in this limbo any longer. I don't want to wait breathless, desperately, to hear from you anymore. I have to move on. I don't have anyone to move on to, true, but I'd rather be alone than the girl you drag around for some unknown reason that even your friends are beginning to question.
You told me you didn't want me the way I wanted you. You told me that a long time ago. I still stayed, foolishly thinking that one day you'd change your mind. I thought about it endlessly, dreaming of the day you would look at me with one tenth of the love I look at you with.
When you left for home over the summer, you were so upset that I couldn't see you to the airport. You were actually angry at me, something I'd never seen before. Angry, because you couldn't see me. The day before that, you gave me a charm of a turtle. You remembered that my Appa told me to dress nicer at the dojang, so that meant no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirts. I've loved them my whole life, and you remembered that, and gave me something from your heart. I thought it had finally come, the day that you would realize you loved me.
We talked endlessly while you were gone. Every day, multiple times. Then, it was only once a day. Then, a few times a week. Then once a week. Then only when you remembered. You were back in the country, the same state, the same fucking city as me for four days before you remembered to let me know. You told me when you left you wanted me to come get you from the airport, so you could see me as soon as possible. What happened to that?
I waited for you. I waited so long for you. Not just for you to come back to America, but for you to love me. I wanted everything about you, even the bad things, because you were absolutely perfect to me. It sunk in today, that you really don't want me. And I was an idiot to think that would change.
You used to listen to all my inane thoughts for hours, you said I was fascinating. Now I can't even get you to talk to me. What happened while you were gone? Did you realize how pathetic I was? How crazy I was for doing literally everything under the sun you asked of me just for a little praise?
Or did you find someone else?
Even the thought of that makes me want to tear my heart out. I don't know what you wanted from me, or what you were getting from me, but it's obvious that I'm not doing it anymore. And, I don't want to live in this limbo any longer. I don't want to wait breathless, desperately, to hear from you anymore. I have to move on. I don't have anyone to move on to, true, but I'd rather be alone than the girl you drag around for some unknown reason that even your friends are beginning to question.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Things that make me happy - or less gloomy
My bamboo plant, Xiumin (I can't have a pet, alright?)
Professional wrestling (every company and league)
Dean Ambrose/Jon Moxley
Solomon Crowe/Sami Calahan
South Korean culture
Taiwanese food
Vietnamese food
Chinese food
Japanese food
Korean food
the smell of the Indian restaurant down the street by my house
French fries
DIET PEPSI
Jeff Hardy
Gerard Way
GIRL'S DAY
K-pop
Teen Top
B.A.P
Vixx
U-Kiss
boy bands in general
Backstreet Boys
The Ramones
The Sex Pistols
John Lydon
Sid Vicious
Iggy Pop
Robert Smith
Taylor Momsen
Caitlyn Jenner
Laura Jane Grace
National Geographic
Disney
DOCTOR WHO
WrestleMania
Marilyn Monroe
The Cleveland Show
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (all of the universes)
Donatello in particular
My Chemical Romance
Rain (both the Korean singer and the kind that falls from the sky)
grey clouds
the color grey
military style jackets
silver buttons
Sailor Moon
Death Note
Vampire Knight
Yotsuba&!
Pucca
Doraemon
Yu-Gi-Oh!
chopsticks
bad horror movies from the 20's-79
Harry Potter
Kazuchika Okada
Bowling For Soup
Kota Ibushi
Care Bears
hockey
The Casualities
Chicago Bulls
Deathstars
Shagrath
Wu Yifan
Maria Brink
The Crow
Legend (the boy group)
4Minute
Stig
Lovex
Motionless In White
Giriboy
Vasco
Acey Slade
Wednesday 13
Alexi Laiho
Cradle of Filth
Slipknot
Alkaline Trio
Fat Mike
Chris #2
Baby Metal
Toxsick Tripp
'Rauta' by Korpiklaani
Tapio Rautavaara
Joey Jordison
New York Dolls
the Peppermint Creeps
Candy Apple Queenz
Vampire Love Dolls
Tokio Hotel
Type O Negative
Bob Girls
Jackie Chan
Ladies' Code
MyName
Super Junior
EXO (music, not news, because it's never good news)
HyunA
The 69 Eyes
I Love Lucy
long road trips
NPR
seashells
books about geishas
Jackass
Kingdom Hearts
old goth music
old punk music
pawn shops
GoodWill
Chuseok
Taco Bell
Lee Gunwoo
Kim Minseok
Kim Namjoon
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Angry Beavers
The Simpsons
Stewie Griffin
maple nut goodies
popsicles
studying foreign languages
finding rare cds
Mulan
comic book stores
rabbits
cows
Courtney Love
books about the history of punk or metal
taekwondo
learning difficult choreographed dances
jelly beans
Vans
Doc Martens
The Master of Disguise
What makes you happy?
Professional wrestling (every company and league)
Dean Ambrose/Jon Moxley
Solomon Crowe/Sami Calahan
South Korean culture
Taiwanese food
Vietnamese food
Chinese food
Japanese food
Korean food
the smell of the Indian restaurant down the street by my house
French fries
DIET PEPSI
Jeff Hardy
Gerard Way
GIRL'S DAY
K-pop
Teen Top
B.A.P
Vixx
U-Kiss
boy bands in general
Backstreet Boys
The Ramones
The Sex Pistols
John Lydon
Sid Vicious
Iggy Pop
Robert Smith
Taylor Momsen
Caitlyn Jenner
Laura Jane Grace
National Geographic
Disney
DOCTOR WHO
WrestleMania
Marilyn Monroe
The Cleveland Show
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (all of the universes)
Donatello in particular
My Chemical Romance
Rain (both the Korean singer and the kind that falls from the sky)
grey clouds
the color grey
military style jackets
silver buttons
Sailor Moon
Death Note
Vampire Knight
Yotsuba&!
Pucca
Doraemon
Yu-Gi-Oh!
chopsticks
bad horror movies from the 20's-79
Harry Potter
Kazuchika Okada
Bowling For Soup
Kota Ibushi
Care Bears
hockey
The Casualities
Chicago Bulls
Deathstars
Shagrath
Wu Yifan
Maria Brink
The Crow
Legend (the boy group)
4Minute
Stig
Lovex
Motionless In White
Giriboy
Vasco
Acey Slade
Wednesday 13
Alexi Laiho
Cradle of Filth
Slipknot
Alkaline Trio
Fat Mike
Chris #2
Baby Metal
Toxsick Tripp
'Rauta' by Korpiklaani
Tapio Rautavaara
Joey Jordison
New York Dolls
the Peppermint Creeps
Candy Apple Queenz
Vampire Love Dolls
Tokio Hotel
Type O Negative
Bob Girls
Jackie Chan
Ladies' Code
MyName
Super Junior
EXO (music, not news, because it's never good news)
HyunA
The 69 Eyes
I Love Lucy
long road trips
NPR
seashells
books about geishas
Jackass
Kingdom Hearts
old goth music
old punk music
pawn shops
GoodWill
Chuseok
Taco Bell
Lee Gunwoo
Kim Minseok
Kim Namjoon
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Angry Beavers
The Simpsons
Stewie Griffin
maple nut goodies
popsicles
studying foreign languages
finding rare cds
Mulan
comic book stores
rabbits
cows
Courtney Love
books about the history of punk or metal
taekwondo
learning difficult choreographed dances
jelly beans
Vans
Doc Martens
The Master of Disguise
What makes you happy?
Sunday, July 12, 2015
I'm losing all demand, I've broken all my plans
Listening to Hawthorne Heights always fucks with my head. Gets me thinking about things I don't want to.
My background is a picture of me and my adoptive dad. It's my favorite picture, but lately I get sad or mad when I click on my phone and just see that picture. It means that for the nth day in a row, no one has contacted me.
If someone was thrown out of my family, someone I saw almost everyday, someone who was my FUCKING SIBLING *sorry, calming* I would shoot them a text every once in a while, like, maybe at least once a month? Or if I knew my cousin that I was almost sisters with suddenly stopped updating her status and pretty much disappeared off social media altogether, I'd notice and ask what was wrong.
I did a little experiment. I went offline for almost two weeks to see if anyone in my family noticed. I'm a person who updates their status about once a day, so it's pretty consistent. It started off as a week long experiment that stretched into seeing how long it would really be before ANYONE AT ALL noticed I'd gone AWOL. YW messaged me ten days after I disappeared without a warning to anyone.
Yes, the boy who broke my heart and who is currently halfway across the globe and thirteen hours ahead of me is the only one in almost 250 people who noticed I hadn't spoken to anyone and had effectively disappeared. It's pretty sad. I didn't know that's how little I mattered to people. I selfishly thought my little wisecracks and jokes everyday (the majority of my statuses) stuck out to people.
Don't get me wrong, I've tried to contact both my sisters AND my cousins AND others, repeatedly. My phone is filled to the brim with excuses "I've got to grocery shopping those days..." "My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along, I think we need time to ourselves..." "I'm busy all those days..." Nobody even tries to make time to see me, or follows up with what days they're free. I'd make time for them. It seems if I don't give them money or sex, I'm not worth anyone's time. Their boyfriends are their worlds, so much that one afternoon away from them is too damn much it seems. I've even said the boyfriend could come along! I just get another excuse.....if you don't want to spend time with me, just say it. After a while, you just stop trying, because excuses can hurt more than a flat out no. I'd at least respect a no. Nobody I know takes three days to go grocery shopping for a two person household. I mean, if you live with your boyfriend, don't you have a bunch of time to yourselves, just the two of you? Or do I just not understand how those kinds of relationships work?
250 people, not one word. Granted, around 15 of those are people from high school who I don't speak to very much at all and only friended me so they wouldn't get named in the bullying lawsuit that ran through my school that I was called into as a key witness and victim. About 80 are bands or record producers, or promoters that I've worked with in the past or somewhat currently. About 20 are models or speakers I like. So really, only about 135 people that I talk to regularly and include nearly all of my family members ignored my little self-absorbed experiment.
I was hoping someone would have noticed. I read a ton of people's statuses everyday and I send people a message if I don't see them for a couple of days. Maybe I'm sentimental, maybe I don't have a life, maybe I care a bit too much about people and how they feel. Maybe I'm just more observational than most.
Or maybe I really don't stand out as much as I think I do. Maybe it wouldn't matter at all to most if I just did something to myself. Yeah, my family would be shocked at first, but in the long run, would they even remember me? Or just my actions? Would they remember my witty observations, or the fact that I did drugs and went to rehab before I was 19? Would they remember I bake some awesome lemon meringue pie, or the fact I was arrested twice for protesting FOX News? Would they remember how I worked so hard at writing that Rob Zombie himself asked me to interview him, ignoring 21 professional and fully qualified journalists that had actually applied to interview him or the fact that I ended up cracking under my own loneliness and overdosed and killed myself on my own anxiety and depression pills?
I saw a video last night. It was on facebook, it was of an African-American man, long dreadlocks, tattoos on his arms, he looked like someone I could get along with. He talked about how he felt he had to make this video, he felt called to it. He said whoever was watching who wanted to die, he said don't let those thoughts kill you. He said he was praying that that person, or people would stop and live through the night. His name, he said was Trent Shelton. His facebook said he was going to be in my town on August 22. I might go, I don't know, I might not be here then.
Well, I lived through last night. My question is, did anybody but Trent notice or even care?
My phone just rang. I jumped for it, thinking it was someone who noticed my "Would anyone miss me if I disappeared?" status. Nope. Just my weather alert saying there was going to be a flash flood warning until tomorrow morning. This is an awful line, but it's all I can think of: there's a flash flood in my heart because now I can't stop crying.
My background is a picture of me and my adoptive dad. It's my favorite picture, but lately I get sad or mad when I click on my phone and just see that picture. It means that for the nth day in a row, no one has contacted me.
If someone was thrown out of my family, someone I saw almost everyday, someone who was my FUCKING SIBLING *sorry, calming* I would shoot them a text every once in a while, like, maybe at least once a month? Or if I knew my cousin that I was almost sisters with suddenly stopped updating her status and pretty much disappeared off social media altogether, I'd notice and ask what was wrong.
I did a little experiment. I went offline for almost two weeks to see if anyone in my family noticed. I'm a person who updates their status about once a day, so it's pretty consistent. It started off as a week long experiment that stretched into seeing how long it would really be before ANYONE AT ALL noticed I'd gone AWOL. YW messaged me ten days after I disappeared without a warning to anyone.
Yes, the boy who broke my heart and who is currently halfway across the globe and thirteen hours ahead of me is the only one in almost 250 people who noticed I hadn't spoken to anyone and had effectively disappeared. It's pretty sad. I didn't know that's how little I mattered to people. I selfishly thought my little wisecracks and jokes everyday (the majority of my statuses) stuck out to people.
Don't get me wrong, I've tried to contact both my sisters AND my cousins AND others, repeatedly. My phone is filled to the brim with excuses "I've got to grocery shopping those days..." "My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along, I think we need time to ourselves..." "I'm busy all those days..." Nobody even tries to make time to see me, or follows up with what days they're free. I'd make time for them. It seems if I don't give them money or sex, I'm not worth anyone's time. Their boyfriends are their worlds, so much that one afternoon away from them is too damn much it seems. I've even said the boyfriend could come along! I just get another excuse.....if you don't want to spend time with me, just say it. After a while, you just stop trying, because excuses can hurt more than a flat out no. I'd at least respect a no. Nobody I know takes three days to go grocery shopping for a two person household. I mean, if you live with your boyfriend, don't you have a bunch of time to yourselves, just the two of you? Or do I just not understand how those kinds of relationships work?
250 people, not one word. Granted, around 15 of those are people from high school who I don't speak to very much at all and only friended me so they wouldn't get named in the bullying lawsuit that ran through my school that I was called into as a key witness and victim. About 80 are bands or record producers, or promoters that I've worked with in the past or somewhat currently. About 20 are models or speakers I like. So really, only about 135 people that I talk to regularly and include nearly all of my family members ignored my little self-absorbed experiment.
I was hoping someone would have noticed. I read a ton of people's statuses everyday and I send people a message if I don't see them for a couple of days. Maybe I'm sentimental, maybe I don't have a life, maybe I care a bit too much about people and how they feel. Maybe I'm just more observational than most.
Or maybe I really don't stand out as much as I think I do. Maybe it wouldn't matter at all to most if I just did something to myself. Yeah, my family would be shocked at first, but in the long run, would they even remember me? Or just my actions? Would they remember my witty observations, or the fact that I did drugs and went to rehab before I was 19? Would they remember I bake some awesome lemon meringue pie, or the fact I was arrested twice for protesting FOX News? Would they remember how I worked so hard at writing that Rob Zombie himself asked me to interview him, ignoring 21 professional and fully qualified journalists that had actually applied to interview him or the fact that I ended up cracking under my own loneliness and overdosed and killed myself on my own anxiety and depression pills?
I saw a video last night. It was on facebook, it was of an African-American man, long dreadlocks, tattoos on his arms, he looked like someone I could get along with. He talked about how he felt he had to make this video, he felt called to it. He said whoever was watching who wanted to die, he said don't let those thoughts kill you. He said he was praying that that person, or people would stop and live through the night. His name, he said was Trent Shelton. His facebook said he was going to be in my town on August 22. I might go, I don't know, I might not be here then.
Well, I lived through last night. My question is, did anybody but Trent notice or even care?
My phone just rang. I jumped for it, thinking it was someone who noticed my "Would anyone miss me if I disappeared?" status. Nope. Just my weather alert saying there was going to be a flash flood warning until tomorrow morning. This is an awful line, but it's all I can think of: there's a flash flood in my heart because now I can't stop crying.
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