It was the best month of my life.
I had someone who was constantly worried about me. Constantly wondering what I was up to, wondering if I was eating enough, if I was happy, if I needed him. I had someone who needed me too. Who asked me what I thought about his hair, his outfits, who called me when he was scared, or hurt, or worried, or just plain doubting himself. I told him he wasn't fat like he said, that he'd always be attractive to me. I had someone who relied on me.
He made me a better person. He made me do my homework, helped me with it, and told me I wasn't stupid, I was good enough the way I was. All of my grades improved. I wanted to be smart. I wanted to deserve him.
When I was hurting so badly, he offered to take me away, take me with him and his friends on a trip. It happened to be my favorite city too. The ride there, he was all mine, I didn't have to share him with anyone. Three hours of nonstop talking, laughing, cuddling.
We went to Chinatown when we got there, me, him, and three of his friends. We got on the subway. I held his hand, scared of the train. He asked me if I held my other Oppas' hands. I said no. I asked him if it was okay. He asked if I did it because I wanted to be with him. I said yes. I asked if he felt the same. He said no.
No.
After all the times we spent cuddling, telling each other our deepest secrets, after I told him constantly I wanted him, after I said he was my everything, he let me say those things and smiled along, nodding like he agreed. Then he says no.
He said no after taking me three hours from home, where he was the only person I knew, knowing there was a twelve hour day and three hour bus ride home. Only then he says no.
I didn't cry. Not until the bus ride home, when it was dark and he was turned away from me, talking to someone else. I cried, hearing his words and seeing him shake his head. I cried, seeing his friends suddenly look away, at the ground, or above my head, not wanting to meet my eyes. I cried, seeing them finally look up with pity in their eyes.
I could get over him. I've done it before, gave my heart away only to have it thrown back at me. There is a problem.
He kept doing it. Kept cuddling into me. Kept hugging me tight, holding me against his strong body. Kept texting me all day and all night, asking if I was eating enough, what I was up to, if I was doing my homework, if I needed his help with it.
His friend said that's the Malaysian way, to be touchy, and clingy. That he does it with all his friends that are girls. So now not only am I rejected, I'm not even special to him. I'm just another girl friend to him. Not a girlfriend. A girl friend.
They also expressed confusion, saying that my skin color, eye color, and hair color are all his ideal types, so why did he reject me if I was his ideal type? How the fuck should I know? Maybe it's just me. I'm not the 'right' kind of his ideal girl.
We continue to have lunch together, just me and him. He still carries my bag, holds my hand, texts me constantly. Sometimes I answer. Sometimes I don't. He gets frustrated with my lack of enthusiasm and responses.
So now he's leaving, back to Malaysia for three months. He promises to text me every day, and that he won't forget me. What is the difference between him being an hour away versus half a world away? He's still unreachable in his heart. Why doesn't he love me? Every day with him is a fresh hell, being so close to and going through the motions of what I so desperately want, yet I can't have.
It was the best month of my life.
