I got a tumblr and made it a Girl's Day fanblog so it took up a lot of my time.
I couldn't wait for YW to go back home for the summer this year. It killed me last year, this year I almost looked forward to it. I don't know this man anymore. He isn't the same. Somehow he gives me even less than he did before. It's like I'm constantly taking some kind of test and if I don't pass, he just reminds me I'll never be with him and never be good enough for him or anyone like him.
My sister got married. He's a cool guy. He makes her and my other sister actually treat me like a human being twice a year so that's cool. My birth dad was there. Didn't say one word to me. Couldn't even muster the fucking balls to look me in the eyes. The priest talked about the sanctity of marriage and how a marriage is a treat for two best friends, the reward for how much they put forth for each other.
My birth father, A, sat two rows in front of me with the woman he cheated on my mother with and threw us out for. When the priest talked about this, they held hands and looked at each other. I was designated the interpreter for my sister's step-father's father who had recently had a stroke that affected his speech, since I'm so good at accents (?). I had no other role in the wedding. My mother did, my sister ex-step-mother had a role. I did not. I started crying in the middle of the ceremony because it was too much. It was too much seeing this family of pretend people living pretend lives with their pretend soul mates and having them all reject me. I blamed it on me and YW fighting.
I wanted YW to come. I wanted him to sit next to me as a reminder that I wasn't like the rest of them and that was okay. I had a different life as them, and that was okay. He told me an hour before the ceremony that he "didn't feel like" going. Said it'd make him uncomfortable. Because, you know, it was going to be so easy for me to attend this wedding and see all of these people who saw me as this pathetic ex-rehab patient who couldn't be expected to behave like a civilized human and thus must be excluded from the wedding as much as possible without "setting me off".
He left me, knowing it was the first time I'd be seeing my birth father since he threw me out of MY childhood home so his skanked up barfly HOE could move in. He left me, knowing I didn't want to go alone. Because he "didn't feel like it".
I don't feel like reassuring him a thousand times every time we hang out that he's handsome. I don't feel like hearing that I'm dumb. I don't feel like being constantly reminded "I'm not your boyfriend" every time he decides I've said something too chummy. I don't feel like being made to feel worthless and pushed aside every time someone more attractive walks by him. I don't feel like being paraded around his friends while they look me up and down and talk in Malay about how "she's hot, and you've got her wrapped around your finger? Too bad she's crazy." "she does whatever you want? It's like the perfect relationship, you don't have to do anything and she does everything else!" I'm not stupid and some of the Malaysian girls hate you and will gladly translate for me.
I don't feel like being put on the shelf and ignored every time you just feel like I've been asking for too much lately. But I do it all and I don't even know why. I hate this. I hate him. But I love him. Except I hate him. I hate him for making me feel like I'm nothing without him. I hate him for brainwashing me into thinking this pseudo-relationship was healthy and worth my time and effort. I hate him for gradually treating me like shit more and more at a pace that I didn't even notice it was so bad until I gained a new friend and they suddenly asked, "That guy's a dick, no offense, but why are you dating him?" I replied I wasn't dating him and they responded, "So he's not even giving you sex or affection or anything? Why on earth are you letting him?!" And I fully realized that the gifts had stopped.
The compliments had stopped. The sweet good mornings had stopped. The check in texts had stopped. The random hi's had stopped. The 'I miss you's had stopped. The care had stopped. He wasn't even putting on a front of pseudo-boyfriend care anymore, he was just flat out using me. He was using me for affection so he could feel better about himself. He was using me for love and affection without having to give anything in return and yelled at me when I asked for more. I talked about my problems and he ignored them. He said it wasn't important to him so he didn't want to listen. And I let him. I'm a pathetic loser. And he knows it. And he just takes and takes and takes what he wants and says piss off about the rest, the rest of me he can't get anything useful out of. The rest of me that isn't good enough for him, not pretty enough, not quiet enough, not demure enough, not whatever-the-hell-else-he-thinks-I'm-not enough.
I'm in love with a man who treats me just like my abusive, deadbeat, selfish, pathetic, worthless, horrible, insane, delusional, obese, hateful birth father did. If he slapped me and worded his thinly disguised insults as flat out cruelty, it'd be the exact same. And I hate him. But I love him. Except I hate him. I'm glad he's back in his home country right now. I can't deal with him being near me. I miss his affection so much and he doesn't even care. If I want to see him or talk to him, I have to reach out first. Because he's my one and only and I am nothing but a toy to him. His life goes on and mine is meandering without a destination, because I'm a pathetic loser who wasted a year and a half of my life on someone who sucked all the care, love, affection, and goodness out of me and spat out my empty shell and moved on without looking back.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Ppittureojillae
I really fucking wish I had some other friends. But no, BRILLIANT me had to fall for the only fricking friend I have that sticks around consistently. And, yeah, he's a dumb asshole who doesn't seem to realize when he fucking crushes my feelings, but he's all I got.
"You don't count as a girl"
"Yeah, but girls' opinions matter more than yours"
"You're not a real girl, not like an actual one, you know?"
Now, it would be totally understandable if he said this things and was clueless about the way I felt. But no, this guy is completely aware of how heart wrenching-ly in love with him I am and still says these things. Don't get me wrong; I am well aware that he will never return even one iota of my feelings, I chose to stay around him because I like being his friends. I just wish he wasn't a dick about my feelings.
I compliment people I know, everyone is well aware of this; I'm that nice person who no one seems to know where they came from, but all know that they get along with most everyone. So when I tell him, "Hey, that color looks good on you." Or, "You look nice, what's the occasion?" Tell me why this dude reacts like I just pulled a Gilderoy Lockhart on him and dropped a flipping mangy singing dwarf on his legs. (I reread Chamber of Secrets recently, can you tell?) NO SHIT, I know you don't want me, it's not like I proposed fricking marriage, I said you looked nice.
He says it'd be easier if I would just move on. Oh really? It would make your life easier because you feel a tiny bit awkward when I say you look nice or when one of your friends or teachers asks if I'm your girlfriend? Really? Because that sounds like a fucking picnic compared to my situation of having to listen to you drone on about how no girl wants you or even notices you, how hot some passing girl is, how you INTENTIONALLY try to make me jealous and then get put out when I don't do anything. Or whenever I bring up a guy I'm interested in or just met, you roll your eyes and change the subject, or bitch and moan how they're taking my attention away from you. I LOVE IT LET ME TELL YOU. You don't get to monopolize all my time, then constantly tell me you don't want me, then get shitty when I try to date other people. YOU TOLD ME TO GET OVER YOU WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
I don't understand what the fuck he wants from me and my patience is running real thin. I'm the kind of person where if you're not gonna shit, get off the pot. You can't ride two horses with one ass. Don't sit in the desert with your mouth open waiting for it to rain; you'll just wait yourself to death. Oh my god, I will never get rid of my mother's backwoods folklore, will I?
I just want him to go away, he's more trouble than he's worth, honestly.
"You don't count as a girl"
"Yeah, but girls' opinions matter more than yours"
"You're not a real girl, not like an actual one, you know?"
Now, it would be totally understandable if he said this things and was clueless about the way I felt. But no, this guy is completely aware of how heart wrenching-ly in love with him I am and still says these things. Don't get me wrong; I am well aware that he will never return even one iota of my feelings, I chose to stay around him because I like being his friends. I just wish he wasn't a dick about my feelings.
I compliment people I know, everyone is well aware of this; I'm that nice person who no one seems to know where they came from, but all know that they get along with most everyone. So when I tell him, "Hey, that color looks good on you." Or, "You look nice, what's the occasion?" Tell me why this dude reacts like I just pulled a Gilderoy Lockhart on him and dropped a flipping mangy singing dwarf on his legs. (I reread Chamber of Secrets recently, can you tell?) NO SHIT, I know you don't want me, it's not like I proposed fricking marriage, I said you looked nice.
He says it'd be easier if I would just move on. Oh really? It would make your life easier because you feel a tiny bit awkward when I say you look nice or when one of your friends or teachers asks if I'm your girlfriend? Really? Because that sounds like a fucking picnic compared to my situation of having to listen to you drone on about how no girl wants you or even notices you, how hot some passing girl is, how you INTENTIONALLY try to make me jealous and then get put out when I don't do anything. Or whenever I bring up a guy I'm interested in or just met, you roll your eyes and change the subject, or bitch and moan how they're taking my attention away from you. I LOVE IT LET ME TELL YOU. You don't get to monopolize all my time, then constantly tell me you don't want me, then get shitty when I try to date other people. YOU TOLD ME TO GET OVER YOU WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?
I don't understand what the fuck he wants from me and my patience is running real thin. I'm the kind of person where if you're not gonna shit, get off the pot. You can't ride two horses with one ass. Don't sit in the desert with your mouth open waiting for it to rain; you'll just wait yourself to death. Oh my god, I will never get rid of my mother's backwoods folklore, will I?
I just want him to go away, he's more trouble than he's worth, honestly.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
You Were a Beautiful Liar
I can't live like this anymore. I sat here and waited for you for months. I waited for you to call me, text me, something, because I made you my whole world. You were the sun whose warmth I gravitated towards. I wore the necklace with the charm you gave me on it every day. I touched it and wondered what you were up to, if you were happy. Your happiness was my job. I lived to make you happy, because it was the only thing I wanted to do, the only thing I wanted to see.
You told me you didn't want me the way I wanted you. You told me that a long time ago. I still stayed, foolishly thinking that one day you'd change your mind. I thought about it endlessly, dreaming of the day you would look at me with one tenth of the love I look at you with.
When you left for home over the summer, you were so upset that I couldn't see you to the airport. You were actually angry at me, something I'd never seen before. Angry, because you couldn't see me. The day before that, you gave me a charm of a turtle. You remembered that my Appa told me to dress nicer at the dojang, so that meant no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirts. I've loved them my whole life, and you remembered that, and gave me something from your heart. I thought it had finally come, the day that you would realize you loved me.
We talked endlessly while you were gone. Every day, multiple times. Then, it was only once a day. Then, a few times a week. Then once a week. Then only when you remembered. You were back in the country, the same state, the same fucking city as me for four days before you remembered to let me know. You told me when you left you wanted me to come get you from the airport, so you could see me as soon as possible. What happened to that?
I waited for you. I waited so long for you. Not just for you to come back to America, but for you to love me. I wanted everything about you, even the bad things, because you were absolutely perfect to me. It sunk in today, that you really don't want me. And I was an idiot to think that would change.
You used to listen to all my inane thoughts for hours, you said I was fascinating. Now I can't even get you to talk to me. What happened while you were gone? Did you realize how pathetic I was? How crazy I was for doing literally everything under the sun you asked of me just for a little praise?
Or did you find someone else?
Even the thought of that makes me want to tear my heart out. I don't know what you wanted from me, or what you were getting from me, but it's obvious that I'm not doing it anymore. And, I don't want to live in this limbo any longer. I don't want to wait breathless, desperately, to hear from you anymore. I have to move on. I don't have anyone to move on to, true, but I'd rather be alone than the girl you drag around for some unknown reason that even your friends are beginning to question.
You told me you didn't want me the way I wanted you. You told me that a long time ago. I still stayed, foolishly thinking that one day you'd change your mind. I thought about it endlessly, dreaming of the day you would look at me with one tenth of the love I look at you with.
When you left for home over the summer, you were so upset that I couldn't see you to the airport. You were actually angry at me, something I'd never seen before. Angry, because you couldn't see me. The day before that, you gave me a charm of a turtle. You remembered that my Appa told me to dress nicer at the dojang, so that meant no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirts. I've loved them my whole life, and you remembered that, and gave me something from your heart. I thought it had finally come, the day that you would realize you loved me.
We talked endlessly while you were gone. Every day, multiple times. Then, it was only once a day. Then, a few times a week. Then once a week. Then only when you remembered. You were back in the country, the same state, the same fucking city as me for four days before you remembered to let me know. You told me when you left you wanted me to come get you from the airport, so you could see me as soon as possible. What happened to that?
I waited for you. I waited so long for you. Not just for you to come back to America, but for you to love me. I wanted everything about you, even the bad things, because you were absolutely perfect to me. It sunk in today, that you really don't want me. And I was an idiot to think that would change.
You used to listen to all my inane thoughts for hours, you said I was fascinating. Now I can't even get you to talk to me. What happened while you were gone? Did you realize how pathetic I was? How crazy I was for doing literally everything under the sun you asked of me just for a little praise?
Or did you find someone else?
Even the thought of that makes me want to tear my heart out. I don't know what you wanted from me, or what you were getting from me, but it's obvious that I'm not doing it anymore. And, I don't want to live in this limbo any longer. I don't want to wait breathless, desperately, to hear from you anymore. I have to move on. I don't have anyone to move on to, true, but I'd rather be alone than the girl you drag around for some unknown reason that even your friends are beginning to question.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Things that make me happy - or less gloomy
My bamboo plant, Xiumin (I can't have a pet, alright?)
Professional wrestling (every company and league)
Dean Ambrose/Jon Moxley
Solomon Crowe/Sami Calahan
South Korean culture
Taiwanese food
Vietnamese food
Chinese food
Japanese food
Korean food
the smell of the Indian restaurant down the street by my house
French fries
DIET PEPSI
Jeff Hardy
Gerard Way
GIRL'S DAY
K-pop
Teen Top
B.A.P
Vixx
U-Kiss
boy bands in general
Backstreet Boys
The Ramones
The Sex Pistols
John Lydon
Sid Vicious
Iggy Pop
Robert Smith
Taylor Momsen
Caitlyn Jenner
Laura Jane Grace
National Geographic
Disney
DOCTOR WHO
WrestleMania
Marilyn Monroe
The Cleveland Show
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (all of the universes)
Donatello in particular
My Chemical Romance
Rain (both the Korean singer and the kind that falls from the sky)
grey clouds
the color grey
military style jackets
silver buttons
Sailor Moon
Death Note
Vampire Knight
Yotsuba&!
Pucca
Doraemon
Yu-Gi-Oh!
chopsticks
bad horror movies from the 20's-79
Harry Potter
Kazuchika Okada
Bowling For Soup
Kota Ibushi
Care Bears
hockey
The Casualities
Chicago Bulls
Deathstars
Shagrath
Wu Yifan
Maria Brink
The Crow
Legend (the boy group)
4Minute
Stig
Lovex
Motionless In White
Giriboy
Vasco
Acey Slade
Wednesday 13
Alexi Laiho
Cradle of Filth
Slipknot
Alkaline Trio
Fat Mike
Chris #2
Baby Metal
Toxsick Tripp
'Rauta' by Korpiklaani
Tapio Rautavaara
Joey Jordison
New York Dolls
the Peppermint Creeps
Candy Apple Queenz
Vampire Love Dolls
Tokio Hotel
Type O Negative
Bob Girls
Jackie Chan
Ladies' Code
MyName
Super Junior
EXO (music, not news, because it's never good news)
HyunA
The 69 Eyes
I Love Lucy
long road trips
NPR
seashells
books about geishas
Jackass
Kingdom Hearts
old goth music
old punk music
pawn shops
GoodWill
Chuseok
Taco Bell
Lee Gunwoo
Kim Minseok
Kim Namjoon
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Angry Beavers
The Simpsons
Stewie Griffin
maple nut goodies
popsicles
studying foreign languages
finding rare cds
Mulan
comic book stores
rabbits
cows
Courtney Love
books about the history of punk or metal
taekwondo
learning difficult choreographed dances
jelly beans
Vans
Doc Martens
The Master of Disguise
What makes you happy?
Professional wrestling (every company and league)
Dean Ambrose/Jon Moxley
Solomon Crowe/Sami Calahan
South Korean culture
Taiwanese food
Vietnamese food
Chinese food
Japanese food
Korean food
the smell of the Indian restaurant down the street by my house
French fries
DIET PEPSI
Jeff Hardy
Gerard Way
GIRL'S DAY
K-pop
Teen Top
B.A.P
Vixx
U-Kiss
boy bands in general
Backstreet Boys
The Ramones
The Sex Pistols
John Lydon
Sid Vicious
Iggy Pop
Robert Smith
Taylor Momsen
Caitlyn Jenner
Laura Jane Grace
National Geographic
Disney
DOCTOR WHO
WrestleMania
Marilyn Monroe
The Cleveland Show
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (all of the universes)
Donatello in particular
My Chemical Romance
Rain (both the Korean singer and the kind that falls from the sky)
grey clouds
the color grey
military style jackets
silver buttons
Sailor Moon
Death Note
Vampire Knight
Yotsuba&!
Pucca
Doraemon
Yu-Gi-Oh!
chopsticks
bad horror movies from the 20's-79
Harry Potter
Kazuchika Okada
Bowling For Soup
Kota Ibushi
Care Bears
hockey
The Casualities
Chicago Bulls
Deathstars
Shagrath
Wu Yifan
Maria Brink
The Crow
Legend (the boy group)
4Minute
Stig
Lovex
Motionless In White
Giriboy
Vasco
Acey Slade
Wednesday 13
Alexi Laiho
Cradle of Filth
Slipknot
Alkaline Trio
Fat Mike
Chris #2
Baby Metal
Toxsick Tripp
'Rauta' by Korpiklaani
Tapio Rautavaara
Joey Jordison
New York Dolls
the Peppermint Creeps
Candy Apple Queenz
Vampire Love Dolls
Tokio Hotel
Type O Negative
Bob Girls
Jackie Chan
Ladies' Code
MyName
Super Junior
EXO (music, not news, because it's never good news)
HyunA
The 69 Eyes
I Love Lucy
long road trips
NPR
seashells
books about geishas
Jackass
Kingdom Hearts
old goth music
old punk music
pawn shops
GoodWill
Chuseok
Taco Bell
Lee Gunwoo
Kim Minseok
Kim Namjoon
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Angry Beavers
The Simpsons
Stewie Griffin
maple nut goodies
popsicles
studying foreign languages
finding rare cds
Mulan
comic book stores
rabbits
cows
Courtney Love
books about the history of punk or metal
taekwondo
learning difficult choreographed dances
jelly beans
Vans
Doc Martens
The Master of Disguise
What makes you happy?
Sunday, July 12, 2015
I'm losing all demand, I've broken all my plans
Listening to Hawthorne Heights always fucks with my head. Gets me thinking about things I don't want to.
My background is a picture of me and my adoptive dad. It's my favorite picture, but lately I get sad or mad when I click on my phone and just see that picture. It means that for the nth day in a row, no one has contacted me.
If someone was thrown out of my family, someone I saw almost everyday, someone who was my FUCKING SIBLING *sorry, calming* I would shoot them a text every once in a while, like, maybe at least once a month? Or if I knew my cousin that I was almost sisters with suddenly stopped updating her status and pretty much disappeared off social media altogether, I'd notice and ask what was wrong.
I did a little experiment. I went offline for almost two weeks to see if anyone in my family noticed. I'm a person who updates their status about once a day, so it's pretty consistent. It started off as a week long experiment that stretched into seeing how long it would really be before ANYONE AT ALL noticed I'd gone AWOL. YW messaged me ten days after I disappeared without a warning to anyone.
Yes, the boy who broke my heart and who is currently halfway across the globe and thirteen hours ahead of me is the only one in almost 250 people who noticed I hadn't spoken to anyone and had effectively disappeared. It's pretty sad. I didn't know that's how little I mattered to people. I selfishly thought my little wisecracks and jokes everyday (the majority of my statuses) stuck out to people.
Don't get me wrong, I've tried to contact both my sisters AND my cousins AND others, repeatedly. My phone is filled to the brim with excuses "I've got to grocery shopping those days..." "My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along, I think we need time to ourselves..." "I'm busy all those days..." Nobody even tries to make time to see me, or follows up with what days they're free. I'd make time for them. It seems if I don't give them money or sex, I'm not worth anyone's time. Their boyfriends are their worlds, so much that one afternoon away from them is too damn much it seems. I've even said the boyfriend could come along! I just get another excuse.....if you don't want to spend time with me, just say it. After a while, you just stop trying, because excuses can hurt more than a flat out no. I'd at least respect a no. Nobody I know takes three days to go grocery shopping for a two person household. I mean, if you live with your boyfriend, don't you have a bunch of time to yourselves, just the two of you? Or do I just not understand how those kinds of relationships work?
250 people, not one word. Granted, around 15 of those are people from high school who I don't speak to very much at all and only friended me so they wouldn't get named in the bullying lawsuit that ran through my school that I was called into as a key witness and victim. About 80 are bands or record producers, or promoters that I've worked with in the past or somewhat currently. About 20 are models or speakers I like. So really, only about 135 people that I talk to regularly and include nearly all of my family members ignored my little self-absorbed experiment.
I was hoping someone would have noticed. I read a ton of people's statuses everyday and I send people a message if I don't see them for a couple of days. Maybe I'm sentimental, maybe I don't have a life, maybe I care a bit too much about people and how they feel. Maybe I'm just more observational than most.
Or maybe I really don't stand out as much as I think I do. Maybe it wouldn't matter at all to most if I just did something to myself. Yeah, my family would be shocked at first, but in the long run, would they even remember me? Or just my actions? Would they remember my witty observations, or the fact that I did drugs and went to rehab before I was 19? Would they remember I bake some awesome lemon meringue pie, or the fact I was arrested twice for protesting FOX News? Would they remember how I worked so hard at writing that Rob Zombie himself asked me to interview him, ignoring 21 professional and fully qualified journalists that had actually applied to interview him or the fact that I ended up cracking under my own loneliness and overdosed and killed myself on my own anxiety and depression pills?
I saw a video last night. It was on facebook, it was of an African-American man, long dreadlocks, tattoos on his arms, he looked like someone I could get along with. He talked about how he felt he had to make this video, he felt called to it. He said whoever was watching who wanted to die, he said don't let those thoughts kill you. He said he was praying that that person, or people would stop and live through the night. His name, he said was Trent Shelton. His facebook said he was going to be in my town on August 22. I might go, I don't know, I might not be here then.
Well, I lived through last night. My question is, did anybody but Trent notice or even care?
My phone just rang. I jumped for it, thinking it was someone who noticed my "Would anyone miss me if I disappeared?" status. Nope. Just my weather alert saying there was going to be a flash flood warning until tomorrow morning. This is an awful line, but it's all I can think of: there's a flash flood in my heart because now I can't stop crying.
My background is a picture of me and my adoptive dad. It's my favorite picture, but lately I get sad or mad when I click on my phone and just see that picture. It means that for the nth day in a row, no one has contacted me.
If someone was thrown out of my family, someone I saw almost everyday, someone who was my FUCKING SIBLING *sorry, calming* I would shoot them a text every once in a while, like, maybe at least once a month? Or if I knew my cousin that I was almost sisters with suddenly stopped updating her status and pretty much disappeared off social media altogether, I'd notice and ask what was wrong.
I did a little experiment. I went offline for almost two weeks to see if anyone in my family noticed. I'm a person who updates their status about once a day, so it's pretty consistent. It started off as a week long experiment that stretched into seeing how long it would really be before ANYONE AT ALL noticed I'd gone AWOL. YW messaged me ten days after I disappeared without a warning to anyone.
Yes, the boy who broke my heart and who is currently halfway across the globe and thirteen hours ahead of me is the only one in almost 250 people who noticed I hadn't spoken to anyone and had effectively disappeared. It's pretty sad. I didn't know that's how little I mattered to people. I selfishly thought my little wisecracks and jokes everyday (the majority of my statuses) stuck out to people.
Don't get me wrong, I've tried to contact both my sisters AND my cousins AND others, repeatedly. My phone is filled to the brim with excuses "I've got to grocery shopping those days..." "My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along, I think we need time to ourselves..." "I'm busy all those days..." Nobody even tries to make time to see me, or follows up with what days they're free. I'd make time for them. It seems if I don't give them money or sex, I'm not worth anyone's time. Their boyfriends are their worlds, so much that one afternoon away from them is too damn much it seems. I've even said the boyfriend could come along! I just get another excuse.....if you don't want to spend time with me, just say it. After a while, you just stop trying, because excuses can hurt more than a flat out no. I'd at least respect a no. Nobody I know takes three days to go grocery shopping for a two person household. I mean, if you live with your boyfriend, don't you have a bunch of time to yourselves, just the two of you? Or do I just not understand how those kinds of relationships work?
250 people, not one word. Granted, around 15 of those are people from high school who I don't speak to very much at all and only friended me so they wouldn't get named in the bullying lawsuit that ran through my school that I was called into as a key witness and victim. About 80 are bands or record producers, or promoters that I've worked with in the past or somewhat currently. About 20 are models or speakers I like. So really, only about 135 people that I talk to regularly and include nearly all of my family members ignored my little self-absorbed experiment.
I was hoping someone would have noticed. I read a ton of people's statuses everyday and I send people a message if I don't see them for a couple of days. Maybe I'm sentimental, maybe I don't have a life, maybe I care a bit too much about people and how they feel. Maybe I'm just more observational than most.
Or maybe I really don't stand out as much as I think I do. Maybe it wouldn't matter at all to most if I just did something to myself. Yeah, my family would be shocked at first, but in the long run, would they even remember me? Or just my actions? Would they remember my witty observations, or the fact that I did drugs and went to rehab before I was 19? Would they remember I bake some awesome lemon meringue pie, or the fact I was arrested twice for protesting FOX News? Would they remember how I worked so hard at writing that Rob Zombie himself asked me to interview him, ignoring 21 professional and fully qualified journalists that had actually applied to interview him or the fact that I ended up cracking under my own loneliness and overdosed and killed myself on my own anxiety and depression pills?
I saw a video last night. It was on facebook, it was of an African-American man, long dreadlocks, tattoos on his arms, he looked like someone I could get along with. He talked about how he felt he had to make this video, he felt called to it. He said whoever was watching who wanted to die, he said don't let those thoughts kill you. He said he was praying that that person, or people would stop and live through the night. His name, he said was Trent Shelton. His facebook said he was going to be in my town on August 22. I might go, I don't know, I might not be here then.
Well, I lived through last night. My question is, did anybody but Trent notice or even care?
My phone just rang. I jumped for it, thinking it was someone who noticed my "Would anyone miss me if I disappeared?" status. Nope. Just my weather alert saying there was going to be a flash flood warning until tomorrow morning. This is an awful line, but it's all I can think of: there's a flash flood in my heart because now I can't stop crying.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
What Am I To You?
You complain about your chubby stomach
I think you're sexy no matter what
You say your glasses are too big
Your eyes make my heart beat so fast and your glasses magnify them so my heart beats ten times as fast for you
You don't like your big hands
I like how they make me feel safe when you hold my shoulders
You say you're too tall
I like that you have to bend down to back hug me because you're my jolly giant
You say your acne is ugly
I don't see a thing wrong with anything about you
You ask why I want you
You're goddamn right I want you, just exactly the way you are
You're fucking perfect to me, and the "flaws" you talk about are just as perfect in my eyes
Everything about you, I adore
You're so fucking far away, it feels like a constant stomachache
Half a globe is definitely too far - freaking half a room is too far
You say you've never kissed someone
I would do anything to kiss you
You say you'll be back here soon
It kills me that I can't be a part of your "home"
Because wherever you are is my home
And I want to be important to you like you are to me
You ask why what we have isn't enough
Because no one has ever loved me the way I love you
I do have a hidden agenda for being your best friend
I want you any way I can get you
You're so wonderful, I don't know what I'd do without you
You're so kind, selfless, unselfish, I feel like I'm using you almost
I've never loved someone, I didn't believe it existed
But I don't know what else to call this sweet agony
You ask why no girl wants you
I sit here and ask You know I do, I'm right here, I make you so happy, you idiot
Because I'm not attractive in your eyes
And it kills me to know it, to see it in your eyes
There's nothing in this world I want more than your heart, and it's something I won't ever have.
I think you're sexy no matter what
You say your glasses are too big
Your eyes make my heart beat so fast and your glasses magnify them so my heart beats ten times as fast for you
You don't like your big hands
I like how they make me feel safe when you hold my shoulders
You say you're too tall
I like that you have to bend down to back hug me because you're my jolly giant
You say your acne is ugly
I don't see a thing wrong with anything about you
You ask why I want you
You're goddamn right I want you, just exactly the way you are
You're fucking perfect to me, and the "flaws" you talk about are just as perfect in my eyes
Everything about you, I adore
You're so fucking far away, it feels like a constant stomachache
Half a globe is definitely too far - freaking half a room is too far
You say you've never kissed someone
I would do anything to kiss you
You say you'll be back here soon
It kills me that I can't be a part of your "home"
Because wherever you are is my home
And I want to be important to you like you are to me
You ask why what we have isn't enough
Because no one has ever loved me the way I love you
I do have a hidden agenda for being your best friend
I want you any way I can get you
You're so wonderful, I don't know what I'd do without you
You're so kind, selfless, unselfish, I feel like I'm using you almost
I've never loved someone, I didn't believe it existed
But I don't know what else to call this sweet agony
You ask why no girl wants you
I sit here and ask You know I do, I'm right here, I make you so happy, you idiot
Because I'm not attractive in your eyes
And it kills me to know it, to see it in your eyes
There's nothing in this world I want more than your heart, and it's something I won't ever have.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Am I supposed to be grateful?
I always knew my relationship with my father was going to end. One way or another, he was not going to be in my life after a certain point. I had decided, that I was going to pull away from him, and then when I left for Korea for the first time, that was going to be the end. I was going to say goodbye, and it was going to be goodbye for forever. Even though I would be coming back. I was going to take advantage of that moment to get him out once and for all. It was going to be on my terms, and I had come to terms with it, that that was going to be the end of my relationship with my father.
But once again, he decided that it was going to be on his terms and there was no other choice to be had, besides the one he had already decided on.
He decided that his and my mother's fractured and separated marriage was over, even though my mom gave him other options. He took the out she gave him, no matter how narrow and implied it was. He took it and ran with it. He set in motion things that affected all of us, without even caring how hard it was for us. He went for his happiness, even though it devastated me.
And he's always done that. His happiness was always more important than mine was. He wasn't ready to be a father, so he checked out and only came in to say hello every few days. He lived there, with us, but he was gone, doing his own thing, all the time, because that's what he wanted. And what we wanted didn't even begin to cross his mind. He decided that I was my mom's responsibility, because he didn't want me to be his burden. Because that's what I've always been to him. A burden to be shouldered. A problem to be dealt with.
What I wanted never mattered, because it revealed that he had made a mistake, a lot of them, actually. He wasn't aware until it was too late, that I grew up without him. He figured a teenager was easier to be a parent to, because they don't need the constant attention and energy children do. He thought he could come in and everything would be perfect. He was ready to be a father, but neglected to keep up enough with my progress to realize that I had grown to hate him. Checking in to say hello every few days doesn't mean he was there. And he didn't want to be a father to a damaged child, to one who wanted him to take responsibility for his absence, to one who was fully aware of what he'd done, or hadn't done. He wanted to come in and be worshiped like his friends' kids did to them. He wanted the father's day presents of ties and golf balls, he wanted the 'No. 1 Dad' cups and the cute selfies at the racetrack. I wanted that too, but I also wanted him to say he was sorry for leaving me.
I wanted him to realize how painful it was to see my mother toil day after day, night after night, working two jobs to support herself and me; to see her fall asleep at the dinner table mid-sentence after working all day on three hours of sleep because I'd had a nightmare or a stomachache the night before and needed her; to want to tell someone all about my day and my friends and my crush, but have no one but an empty house to come home to; to cook and eat dinner all by myself every night. I wanted him to understand and feel sorry for every moment of pain my mom and I went through, but he didn't. He wanted to waltz in and be the best dad, while still keeping his party life style, but failed to realize that that required work.
I don't know how he doesn't realize that the love comes after the sacrifice. You get the father's days after you sit up with a kid when they've had a nightmare, after you've kissed their scraped knees, wiped their tears after a heartbreak, if he had done even one of those things, or even attempted to do something similar to anything fatherly related, I would have welcomed him with open arms. But he didn't, so I didn't, I wanted an apology for all the times he missed out on and didn't come through on and he refused. I fought with him, demanding an apology, so he began hitting me. He hit me, telling me it was to make me normal, so I would appreciate him, appreciate that he had come back, because he never wanted to. And because I wasn't willing to accept him without an apology, I wasn't worth the time or energy. Once again. He thought it was unfair that I didn't want him anymore, not realizing how unfair he'd already been to me.
He only wants the easy way out. My mom wanted him to work on their issues, so he divorced her. I wanted him to admit he was a deadbeat, so he took off for good.
I knew the time I was going to say goodbye to my father for good. But he decided to take off on his own once again, and didn't include me on his plans until the very end. I was given ten days to get out. And then I was given two choices: I could keep seeing my father every few days for five minutes, and watch him party it up and sleep around, or I could be totally kicked out of my family and never spoken of again. I wasn't bankable, or worth something, or usable in any way anymore, so I had to be removed.
He took so much from me: my innocence, my childhood, my mother's time, and now he had taken the end of our relationship from me. I didn't even get to end it on my terms, and leave him, he left me once again. He stole that from me as well. The unfairness and irony of it all is staggering. I mourn the father I never got to have, the childhood that was stolen from me, the familial happiness I never got to have. I feel like the dad I always wanted and needed has died, and in a way he has. He has died, because my father will never be him, and has never wanted to be him. I say goodbye to him with difficulty, because I've held out hope that he'll show up one day. I mourned him when I decided to leave my father behind for good and now I mourn him even more because his death came so unexpectedly early.
But once again, he decided that it was going to be on his terms and there was no other choice to be had, besides the one he had already decided on.
He decided that his and my mother's fractured and separated marriage was over, even though my mom gave him other options. He took the out she gave him, no matter how narrow and implied it was. He took it and ran with it. He set in motion things that affected all of us, without even caring how hard it was for us. He went for his happiness, even though it devastated me.
And he's always done that. His happiness was always more important than mine was. He wasn't ready to be a father, so he checked out and only came in to say hello every few days. He lived there, with us, but he was gone, doing his own thing, all the time, because that's what he wanted. And what we wanted didn't even begin to cross his mind. He decided that I was my mom's responsibility, because he didn't want me to be his burden. Because that's what I've always been to him. A burden to be shouldered. A problem to be dealt with.
What I wanted never mattered, because it revealed that he had made a mistake, a lot of them, actually. He wasn't aware until it was too late, that I grew up without him. He figured a teenager was easier to be a parent to, because they don't need the constant attention and energy children do. He thought he could come in and everything would be perfect. He was ready to be a father, but neglected to keep up enough with my progress to realize that I had grown to hate him. Checking in to say hello every few days doesn't mean he was there. And he didn't want to be a father to a damaged child, to one who wanted him to take responsibility for his absence, to one who was fully aware of what he'd done, or hadn't done. He wanted to come in and be worshiped like his friends' kids did to them. He wanted the father's day presents of ties and golf balls, he wanted the 'No. 1 Dad' cups and the cute selfies at the racetrack. I wanted that too, but I also wanted him to say he was sorry for leaving me.
I wanted him to realize how painful it was to see my mother toil day after day, night after night, working two jobs to support herself and me; to see her fall asleep at the dinner table mid-sentence after working all day on three hours of sleep because I'd had a nightmare or a stomachache the night before and needed her; to want to tell someone all about my day and my friends and my crush, but have no one but an empty house to come home to; to cook and eat dinner all by myself every night. I wanted him to understand and feel sorry for every moment of pain my mom and I went through, but he didn't. He wanted to waltz in and be the best dad, while still keeping his party life style, but failed to realize that that required work.
I don't know how he doesn't realize that the love comes after the sacrifice. You get the father's days after you sit up with a kid when they've had a nightmare, after you've kissed their scraped knees, wiped their tears after a heartbreak, if he had done even one of those things, or even attempted to do something similar to anything fatherly related, I would have welcomed him with open arms. But he didn't, so I didn't, I wanted an apology for all the times he missed out on and didn't come through on and he refused. I fought with him, demanding an apology, so he began hitting me. He hit me, telling me it was to make me normal, so I would appreciate him, appreciate that he had come back, because he never wanted to. And because I wasn't willing to accept him without an apology, I wasn't worth the time or energy. Once again. He thought it was unfair that I didn't want him anymore, not realizing how unfair he'd already been to me.
He only wants the easy way out. My mom wanted him to work on their issues, so he divorced her. I wanted him to admit he was a deadbeat, so he took off for good.
I knew the time I was going to say goodbye to my father for good. But he decided to take off on his own once again, and didn't include me on his plans until the very end. I was given ten days to get out. And then I was given two choices: I could keep seeing my father every few days for five minutes, and watch him party it up and sleep around, or I could be totally kicked out of my family and never spoken of again. I wasn't bankable, or worth something, or usable in any way anymore, so I had to be removed.
He took so much from me: my innocence, my childhood, my mother's time, and now he had taken the end of our relationship from me. I didn't even get to end it on my terms, and leave him, he left me once again. He stole that from me as well. The unfairness and irony of it all is staggering. I mourn the father I never got to have, the childhood that was stolen from me, the familial happiness I never got to have. I feel like the dad I always wanted and needed has died, and in a way he has. He has died, because my father will never be him, and has never wanted to be him. I say goodbye to him with difficulty, because I've held out hope that he'll show up one day. I mourned him when I decided to leave my father behind for good and now I mourn him even more because his death came so unexpectedly early.
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