My sister, while she's spoiled, selfish, self-entered, and almost certainly a sociopath, is still my sister. She's the eldest daughter, and our shared birth father has doted on her since birth. His first son was taken away from him by the boy's mother. [Note; there's six total kids (that we know of) and there's four mothers.] Don't feel totally sorry for him, he had a choice; be arrested or disappear and never talk to the boy. He took the coward's way out and disappeared.
Since he lost his son, he's had a fierce love for my sister. A love I hated, was jealous of, and tried to sabotage many times over my life. How he loves her, he resents me. I don't know why, I only know he does, because he's told me.
Recently, this boy-man, now, really-has sought out his father. He found him, and they've reconnected. I've gotten texts telling me how wonderful J is, how I'd love him if I met him, how his kid is so cute and wonderful too. A (our birth father) keeps a running commentary about him to me, even though I haven't spoken to A in a year, since he told me he didn't want me.
I met the other brother that just showed up. His name is C, and he's in his mid-twenties, nice guy, actually. He's also an alcoholic and recklessly impulsive. His mother is A's girlfriend (yeah, that whole family is a fucking Jerry Springer week special). I told him over skype I wasn't ready to meet him in person, and this pabo showed up at my work a week later, because he couldn't "wait to be a big brother". It sounds sweet, but honestly, I didn't ask for a big brother. I barely get along with my oldest sister, and that's only because I've figured out how to be around her without wanting to kill her, ie, ignoring all of the racist, moronic garbage that comes out every four sentences.
I'm happy with my other family. Grand Master, Ahjumma, Master K, Master H, Captain N, my mom, that's my family. I've all but severed ties with anyone associated with A, and I'm better for it, really. I have a father. A father who actually wants me around. A father who listens when I'm speaking and doesn't tell me I'm stupid or that there's so much wrong with me that it's no wonder I have trouble talking to people. A father who makes me feel loved and wanted. A father who doesn't hit me.
My sister is having her birthday party tomorrow. She's invited me, and insisted on driving me there (which is, in itself a HUGE red flag). J will be there and knowing my sister, she'll make some big speech about how we siblings should connect as a family and how isn't she the most wonderful for bringing the youngest and oldest siblings together finally? Because I'm the holdout. C, J, and both my older sisters had Thanksgiving, Sunday dinnners, and Christmas all together. As a big family. I was told about these things.
But this man stole from my mother, verbally abused her, emotionally abused her, physically and verbally abused me, told me he wished I was never born, that I was the reason he was never happy, that I needed to leave his house and his life because I was so negative in that I wouldn't forget the past that he couldn't have me in either one. He came in and told my other with no warning that his girlfriend (C's mom) was moving in and me and her had ten days to move out. Why would I ever want to see or talk to that person again? And, yet, I am the bad guy. You see, because A's changed. He's a great father now. He's changed so much for the better.
I won't believe it. Because he hasn't. And he never will. He still refuses to admit he did any wrong to me. I have put years of abuse behind me and I'm not interested in having him dick me around so he can say he's in contact with all of his children. [For those of you keeping count, there's five of us around. The sixth is my sister, Victoria. She died. She still counts. She's the sixth one.] If he and the rest of them want to live a lie, then that's fine, but I'm not going to be a part of it. I'll see my sisters on holidays and birthdays. I don't have any bad feelings towards either of them. I love them, and I do wish they could see how conniving and manipulative A is, so they could leave him and find real happiness as well.
I don't want to meet J tomorrow. I'm sure he's really great, but I don't want to meet him. He knew about A so why did he let him just show up to the party almost thirty years late? He has a nice step dad and a nice half brother, why did he need A? Is he stupid or just naive? He's the only other one that A has completely abandoned. My mom says we'd probably get along. I don't know the exact reasons why I don't want to meet him, all I know is that I really really don't.
I'm scared. I'm scared A is going to pull me back in. He spies on me already. I haven't talked to him in a year, yet he knows exactly what goes on in my life. Part of it is my sister telling him (another reason I don't exactly always get along with her). He has me followed. I won't willingly go back to him, but it feels like he'll always know where I am, because he's a sick, sick man who threw me out but wants me on the edges of his life so he can have a scapegoat for his failures (there's a lot), for his addictions, for his anger, for his depression, for his unhappiness, and so he can smack someone around when it gets to be too overwhelming. I'm the only one he ever hit. Why? I'm the youngest, he should have protected me.
But that's neither here, nor there.
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