My Umma (mom) was talking to me about how my one year anniversary of being clean is coming up, and what I wanted to do for it. I couldn't think of anything because literally all I do is work, school, and taekwondo. She then pulled out........wait for it......DUNDUNDUN Slayer tickets!!!! AAH! I've wanted to see Slayer for SOOOO long! They're probably my favorite thrash band, and definitely my favorite of the Big Three (Megadeth doesn't count, sorry, my disdain for Dave Mustaine is too high).
I used to be addicted to Narcotics and self harming, so a year clean is pretty big. And, no one can take it away, because I did it. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't had an addiction, but being able to say I haven't done something in 365 days that I used to not be able to function without will be a really big accomplishment. It's weird to think that last year at this time, I was completely obliterated ALL the time. I don't really remember a lot of it, actually. I remember rehab though. Very clearly. Every. Single. Second. Because when you want drugs and they lock you in an empty room by yourself to make sure you're sober before you're allowed to be around other patients, it tends to stick out in your mind.
I don't have cravings much anymore. In fact, I have more cravings for self harming than I do the drugs. I'm not sure why. I think it's because the drugs were a physical dependence, mental too a little, but most definitely physical. Whereas self-harming is more of an emotional addiction. Drugs you sweat out, throw up, shake all over, cry, scream, bash your head into a wall, do all that for a few days, you're good to go for a little while. Emotional addictions are inside your head completely, and you can't exactly take your brain out and shake it like an Etch-A-Sketch to get all the bad stuff out. (It'd be great if you could, would have saved me a lot of therapy.)
Am I always going to be an addict? Yes, because I know my limits. I have an addictive personality. Look at my consumption of Diet Pepsi, I drink about 60 oz a day. When I was 9, I lost a hundred and fifty dollars (all I had saved up) in online poker before the school called and said I hadn't been at school for a few days. I'd been hiding in the bushes and sneaking back in to gamble. I know my limits. If someone shot up in front of me or pulled out a bottle of pills, or had a bottle of cough syrup on them, I don't think I'd be strong enough to say no, or even be strong enough not to knock them down and steal it. But that doesn't make me an active addict, it makes me a recovering addict. Props to those who can be recovered from alcoholism and be in a bar, or a recovered drug addict and be at a party. I cannot. Maybe someday I'll be able to be around my drug of choice and politely say no and not partake. Right now, I don't see it happening and it scares me to even think about, but maybe in another year or two. But I hope that I won't be in the position where I have to be around my drug of choice. I hope in another year I'll still have no contact with the people I was around when I was an addict regularly, because my friends I have now are all sober and clean people. And I like that. I like that I can be considered one of them. I like that they don't see "Recovered Addict" when they see me, they see just another teenager, just another college student. A year ago I would have given everything to not be an addict. A year later, I've achieved it. Clean living is taken for granted, and it's something I cherish every single day.
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