Chamabolkkeyo - You aren't coming back

How do you find the sound to being abandoned? I thought I would have found it by now, but I haven't.
Is it in death metal?
Is it hidden in angsty Korean pop songs?
Is it found in the lyrics of any song known to man?
I just know I can't find any music that fits my hurt, and I always have before. I guess it's because this time, I know for a fact you aren't coming back. There won't be another day to try again, to see if when you wake up, I'm finally good enough for you to say hello to. There won't be any more trying, any more hitting, any more screaming, any more hiding. How do I miss what I never had? I have a hole in my heart named father, but you weren't that, so why does it hurt so much now?
I want so desperately to just simply hate you. But it's not that easy. You held on just enough so you could abuse me, and ruin my chance at ever having a normal life before you disappeared. I will never get any answers to my questions. Am I just supposed to yell at an empty seat that represents you, because I know you will never answer any of my calls?
I feel you when I cry, I feel you when I try to talk to someone I like, I hear your voice, you will never be good enough, because all you do is cause pain. If I caused pain just by being born, then why should I even try now to have happiness?
What is happiness that isn't laced with the realization that it won't last long and it will be a long time before I feel it again? What is long term happiness? What does it feel like to have someone stick around for more than a few months? What even is love that isn't used as a weapon?
I have lost my way. And I'm having trouble seeing a way out. No one I know has gone through this, so I have no frame of reference as to when this unendurable pain will go away. When will it disappear, like you did? Will it hand me my things and tell me it tried, like you did?
I keep listening to songs, trying to find the sound that will ease it, understand my hurt.
You were supposed to let me stay. I was promised a room, my room, the one I've lived in my whole life. It was an empty promise, like everything you've ever said to me. I want to hear the truth from you, just once. Anything, even if it's just, 'the sky is blue'. But I can't reach you, because you don't want me to. Just stop lying to me just once, and I'll be happy. I'll leave you alone.
I understand that I wasn't good enough for you. I wasn't a good enough daughter. I fought too much, I wanted too much from you. You weren't made to be a father.
All I ever wanted was to be loved by you. And if not, then pretend. Pretend that everything was okay, just so I could pretend for a while that we were okay, that we had dinner together like every other family, that we went to church on Sundays like everyone else, that you came home every night, that you hugged me, that you said 'I love you' before leaving for work. Those are good lies. Just for one second.
My whole life has been temporary. I've had no place, no house, no one, nothing in which to place roots. I have no roots, so what's stopping me from being knocked down? Those families that watched over me, it was always temporary. When they got a new dog, or had a baby, it was time for me to go, to move on, to be someone else's burden.
Do you know how many hours I spent waiting for you? I waited for you to come get me and take me home and see me, and smile, like you were happy to see me. You'd gather me up in a big hug and kiss me on the forehead. We'd eat together and talk about our days and laugh and make jokes.
You never did that. You never noticed me or even cared that I was there. I was always there, waiting for you. But you're never going to do that. You're never going to do any of that, or wake up and magically be someone who doesn't hate me. You never came for me. You will never love me like I loved you. You broke my heart rather than try, because it was easier, because you didn't have to try.