How do you find the sound to being abandoned? I thought I would have found it by now, but I haven't.
Is it in death metal?
Is it hidden in angsty Korean pop songs?
Is it found in the lyrics of any song known to man?
I just know I can't find any music that fits my hurt, and I always have before. I guess it's because this time, I know for a fact you aren't coming back. There won't be another day to try again, to see if when you wake up, I'm finally good enough for you to say hello to. There won't be any more trying, any more hitting, any more screaming, any more hiding. How do I miss what I never had? I have a hole in my heart named father, but you weren't that, so why does it hurt so much now?
I want so desperately to just simply hate you. But it's not that easy. You held on just enough so you could abuse me, and ruin my chance at ever having a normal life before you disappeared. I will never get any answers to my questions. Am I just supposed to yell at an empty seat that represents you, because I know you will never answer any of my calls?
I feel you when I cry, I feel you when I try to talk to someone I like, I hear your voice, you will never be good enough, because all you do is cause pain. If I caused pain just by being born, then why should I even try now to have happiness?
What is happiness that isn't laced with the realization that it won't last long and it will be a long time before I feel it again? What is long term happiness? What does it feel like to have someone stick around for more than a few months? What even is love that isn't used as a weapon?
I have lost my way. And I'm having trouble seeing a way out. No one I know has gone through this, so I have no frame of reference as to when this unendurable pain will go away. When will it disappear, like you did? Will it hand me my things and tell me it tried, like you did?
I keep listening to songs, trying to find the sound that will ease it, understand my hurt.
You were supposed to let me stay. I was promised a room, my room, the one I've lived in my whole life. It was an empty promise, like everything you've ever said to me. I want to hear the truth from you, just once. Anything, even if it's just, 'the sky is blue'. But I can't reach you, because you don't want me to. Just stop lying to me just once, and I'll be happy. I'll leave you alone.
I understand that I wasn't good enough for you. I wasn't a good enough daughter. I fought too much, I wanted too much from you. You weren't made to be a father.
All I ever wanted was to be loved by you. And if not, then pretend. Pretend that everything was okay, just so I could pretend for a while that we were okay, that we had dinner together like every other family, that we went to church on Sundays like everyone else, that you came home every night, that you hugged me, that you said 'I love you' before leaving for work. Those are good lies. Just for one second.
My whole life has been temporary. I've had no place, no house, no one, nothing in which to place roots. I have no roots, so what's stopping me from being knocked down? Those families that watched over me, it was always temporary. When they got a new dog, or had a baby, it was time for me to go, to move on, to be someone else's burden.
Do you know how many hours I spent waiting for you? I waited for you to come get me and take me home and see me, and smile, like you were happy to see me. You'd gather me up in a big hug and kiss me on the forehead. We'd eat together and talk about our days and laugh and make jokes.
You never did that. You never noticed me or even cared that I was there. I was always there, waiting for you. But you're never going to do that. You're never going to do any of that, or wake up and magically be someone who doesn't hate me. You never came for me. You will never love me like I loved you. You broke my heart rather than try, because it was easier, because you didn't have to try.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Friday, March 20, 2015
Neukkim Anikka - I've Been Where You Want To Be
I feel like I haven't done a fun post in forever. Whatever, here's one.
I'm a music journalist. I've been heavily involved with the music industry since December of 2009. Name a band, I've seen them in concert most likely. I can't list everyone I've ever seen live, because it would take me days. Bands I've interviewed that are widely known include:
Rob Zombie
Motionless In White
Mastodon
Escape the Fate
Five Finger Death Punch
Children of Bodom
The Casualties
Job For a Cowboy
Butcher Babies
Piggy D
Shinedown
Hollywood Undead
Huntress
Suicidal Tendencies
There's more, but my tired brain can't remember now. I've worked for WWE and covered every major American hard rock festival that isn't band specific (IE Knotfest, Ozzfest, etc). Except Warped Tour, because 1) it fucking sucks and 2) it's easier to get into than a girl's legs at a Hollywood Undead or Escape the Fate after party.
I've learned a lot when it comes to interviewing musicians. Most of it is hilarious.
If you talk to a certain Scandinavian musician and you don't tell him you speak his native language until you answer the phone in it, he will squeal like a schoolgirl even though he's in a death metal band and nearing forty.
Five Finger Death Punch's Chris likes to be complimented on his beard, and will immediately be relaxed and open to answer anything once you do.
Marilyn Manson likes to stare at girls until they shiver, and he'll do anything to make them fall for him, just to make himself laugh.
Piggy D remembers people who have interviewed him more than once and will greet them like an old friend.
Rob Zombie likes to test interviewers and if they pass his test, he'll talk for hours. If they don't, he'll be really disappointed and try to wrap it up as fast as possible.
He also goes through life thinking philosophically about the tiniest things. He likes to help charities and gets emotional talking about them.
Motionless In White's Josh and Ghost will hug you if you're a fan of theirs and playfully make fun of you for wearing a MIW shirt to the interview (even though it WAS at their concert, for Pete's sake! What was I supposed to wear?!)
They will also debunk any image you have of MIW being cool, super goth, or scary, within ten seconds of talking to them, as they are huge dorks.
Attika 7's Rusty is a perverted old man who sexually harasses young females and hits on them even when he knows they're underage.
Motionless In White's Ryan will come to the rescue of a girl being victimized by Rusty and make sure she's okay.
The Casualties are probably the nicest, coolest, most laid back people you'll ever meet, and will make you feel like you're talking to your best friends.
Boys Like Girls' frontman Martin is a total douche who thinks he's much more important and good looking than he actually is and is in dire need of being notified it's not 2007 and he is in fact a hasbeen and/or a neverwas.
Black Veil Brides' Andy whatever-the-fuck-his-last-name-is-currently is the worst person on the planet.
All American Rejects' Ty is a lunatic and absolutely hilarious and changes topic at the speed of light, giving off the impression that he himself is on speed, even though he isn't.
Foxy Shazam is an entire band of Tys and will exhaust you within a twenty minute span as none of them can sit still for five seconds and give you the impression that they are all playing a joke on you and will never tell you the punchline.
Escape the Fate's Robert loves to laugh and is so relaxed he'd probably be cool if you ran him over with a semi.
Chris Jericho is incredibly laid back and so humble as to blush when you say you miss seeing him every Monday night. He will talk your ear off about anything and everything.
Shinedown will make you feel like the most important person in the world. They'll make you their world for the time you spend with them.
Barry and Eric are huge huggers and will compliment everyone they meet.
Zach is a sucker for puppydog eyes and will do anything to see his fans smile.
If you tell Brent what an impact his music has made on you, he'll make you pinkyswear to never hurt yourself again, and he'll sing your favorite song of his to you if it's one he didn't perform that night.
I love my job. It's hard and it sucks a lot of the time and you want to beat the crap out of some musicians because they're pompous windbags who love to hear themselves speak, but it's the best job in the world.
I'm a music journalist. I've been heavily involved with the music industry since December of 2009. Name a band, I've seen them in concert most likely. I can't list everyone I've ever seen live, because it would take me days. Bands I've interviewed that are widely known include:
Rob Zombie
Motionless In White
Mastodon
Escape the Fate
Five Finger Death Punch
Children of Bodom
The Casualties
Job For a Cowboy
Butcher Babies
Piggy D
Shinedown
Hollywood Undead
Huntress
Suicidal Tendencies
There's more, but my tired brain can't remember now. I've worked for WWE and covered every major American hard rock festival that isn't band specific (IE Knotfest, Ozzfest, etc). Except Warped Tour, because 1) it fucking sucks and 2) it's easier to get into than a girl's legs at a Hollywood Undead or Escape the Fate after party.
I've learned a lot when it comes to interviewing musicians. Most of it is hilarious.
If you talk to a certain Scandinavian musician and you don't tell him you speak his native language until you answer the phone in it, he will squeal like a schoolgirl even though he's in a death metal band and nearing forty.
Five Finger Death Punch's Chris likes to be complimented on his beard, and will immediately be relaxed and open to answer anything once you do.
Marilyn Manson likes to stare at girls until they shiver, and he'll do anything to make them fall for him, just to make himself laugh.
Piggy D remembers people who have interviewed him more than once and will greet them like an old friend.
Rob Zombie likes to test interviewers and if they pass his test, he'll talk for hours. If they don't, he'll be really disappointed and try to wrap it up as fast as possible.
He also goes through life thinking philosophically about the tiniest things. He likes to help charities and gets emotional talking about them.
Motionless In White's Josh and Ghost will hug you if you're a fan of theirs and playfully make fun of you for wearing a MIW shirt to the interview (even though it WAS at their concert, for Pete's sake! What was I supposed to wear?!)
They will also debunk any image you have of MIW being cool, super goth, or scary, within ten seconds of talking to them, as they are huge dorks.
Attika 7's Rusty is a perverted old man who sexually harasses young females and hits on them even when he knows they're underage.
Motionless In White's Ryan will come to the rescue of a girl being victimized by Rusty and make sure she's okay.
The Casualties are probably the nicest, coolest, most laid back people you'll ever meet, and will make you feel like you're talking to your best friends.
Boys Like Girls' frontman Martin is a total douche who thinks he's much more important and good looking than he actually is and is in dire need of being notified it's not 2007 and he is in fact a hasbeen and/or a neverwas.
Black Veil Brides' Andy whatever-the-fuck-his-last-name-is-currently is the worst person on the planet.
All American Rejects' Ty is a lunatic and absolutely hilarious and changes topic at the speed of light, giving off the impression that he himself is on speed, even though he isn't.
Foxy Shazam is an entire band of Tys and will exhaust you within a twenty minute span as none of them can sit still for five seconds and give you the impression that they are all playing a joke on you and will never tell you the punchline.
Escape the Fate's Robert loves to laugh and is so relaxed he'd probably be cool if you ran him over with a semi.
Chris Jericho is incredibly laid back and so humble as to blush when you say you miss seeing him every Monday night. He will talk your ear off about anything and everything.
Shinedown will make you feel like the most important person in the world. They'll make you their world for the time you spend with them.
Barry and Eric are huge huggers and will compliment everyone they meet.
Zach is a sucker for puppydog eyes and will do anything to see his fans smile.
If you tell Brent what an impact his music has made on you, he'll make you pinkyswear to never hurt yourself again, and he'll sing your favorite song of his to you if it's one he didn't perform that night.
I love my job. It's hard and it sucks a lot of the time and you want to beat the crap out of some musicians because they're pompous windbags who love to hear themselves speak, but it's the best job in the world.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
An Open Letter To A Dead Beat
I clap with every word I say when I'm mad. Does anyone else do this or am I insane? I always say, if I'm clapping, I'm not slapping, so consider yourselves lucky, MMMMMMkay?
How do you just let someone that's a part of you just walk out of your life. Especially someone that's a part of you, like your child. Like, that person is LITERALLY a part of you that's walking, talking, breathing, and living and you can just go days without thinking about them, or even caring.
WHY? That's honestly the biggest question. Why was I never good enough? Why was I just this hanger on in your life until suddenly you decided to get rid of me for good? I don't know where to go from here because this just fucked me up so bad, like congratulations, you got me! I'm over here feeling like I just got run over by a tank truck and I have for the past few years, since you fucking disappeared and said I was to never come back. Bitch, that is my fucking home. I lived there, I grew up there, I played there, I cried there, I loved there, I hated there, that is my mother fucking home. You're barely there and yet you have the right to throw me out like I never mattered at all? Mother fucker YOUR home is the bar a few blocks away, let's be honest.
You say you weren't and aren't ready to be a father.
Bitch, did I ask to be conceived? NO, so that is a jank ass excuse. You have had twenty years to get your shit together, and you still can't?! That is not on me, that is all on you. It is not my fault your entire life has been one shitty failure after the other, I mean, the LEAST you could do is not fuck up your kids while you're at it. But no, you had to not learn from ANY of the MANY mistakes you've made over the course of your life and basically turn my life into an exact copy of your.
Flighty and verbally abusive parent who finally disappears one day without a warning? Check.
Single remaining parent works all hours and is gone so much you basically live alone from preteen years onward? Check.
Violent older sibling who nearly kills you and then suddenly up and leaves to only contact you sporadically from then on? Check.
The only difference is, I'm doing shit with my life that will break this cycle of abuse. I'm great at what I do and I constantly strive to get better and to improve on what I've already learned. You never finished high school and so are content to stay in your dead end job, with your dead end girlfriend, with your dead end broken down house, with your dead end everything. You will stay miserable because you fear what you don't understand and would rather stay with the devil you know rather than take the chance to see what other options you've got.
Except now, you don't have any, do you? You're going to die miserable and alone, knowing you were a failure from beginning to end, not having taken any chances that would have potentially made you a better person and given you a better life. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being and I'm glad I no longer am your child.
How do you just let someone that's a part of you just walk out of your life. Especially someone that's a part of you, like your child. Like, that person is LITERALLY a part of you that's walking, talking, breathing, and living and you can just go days without thinking about them, or even caring.
WHY? That's honestly the biggest question. Why was I never good enough? Why was I just this hanger on in your life until suddenly you decided to get rid of me for good? I don't know where to go from here because this just fucked me up so bad, like congratulations, you got me! I'm over here feeling like I just got run over by a tank truck and I have for the past few years, since you fucking disappeared and said I was to never come back. Bitch, that is my fucking home. I lived there, I grew up there, I played there, I cried there, I loved there, I hated there, that is my mother fucking home. You're barely there and yet you have the right to throw me out like I never mattered at all? Mother fucker YOUR home is the bar a few blocks away, let's be honest.
You say you weren't and aren't ready to be a father.
Bitch, did I ask to be conceived? NO, so that is a jank ass excuse. You have had twenty years to get your shit together, and you still can't?! That is not on me, that is all on you. It is not my fault your entire life has been one shitty failure after the other, I mean, the LEAST you could do is not fuck up your kids while you're at it. But no, you had to not learn from ANY of the MANY mistakes you've made over the course of your life and basically turn my life into an exact copy of your.
Flighty and verbally abusive parent who finally disappears one day without a warning? Check.
Single remaining parent works all hours and is gone so much you basically live alone from preteen years onward? Check.
Violent older sibling who nearly kills you and then suddenly up and leaves to only contact you sporadically from then on? Check.
The only difference is, I'm doing shit with my life that will break this cycle of abuse. I'm great at what I do and I constantly strive to get better and to improve on what I've already learned. You never finished high school and so are content to stay in your dead end job, with your dead end girlfriend, with your dead end broken down house, with your dead end everything. You will stay miserable because you fear what you don't understand and would rather stay with the devil you know rather than take the chance to see what other options you've got.
Except now, you don't have any, do you? You're going to die miserable and alone, knowing you were a failure from beginning to end, not having taken any chances that would have potentially made you a better person and given you a better life. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being and I'm glad I no longer am your child.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Shadism
http://thinkingaboutoppa.tumblr.com/post/95197475555/punk-zitao-x
THIS. MAKES. ME. SO. MAD. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Okay, okay, first of all, Kai is so much more attractive in his REAL skin tone than he is in all the photos and videos where they bleached him. AND they do this to Tao as well. THEY EVEN LIGHTENED KAI'S FUCKING EYES. WHAT THE HELL?!
Homeboy is dark, don't give me any baloney about the lighting being brighter in one, I chose two well lit photos where neither is on stage, and one is a selfie so you can see how beautiful his skin is and how Tao doesn't lighten his own pictures.
Everyone should be mad about this, because if you approve of this then you're a terrible person, plain and simple. There's the door, I will hold it open for you. Pale skin does not equal beauty. You could be pale and be ugly as fuck to some people, ain't no amount of skin bleach or lightening makeup can change that. But there's also beauty in everyone, so what's ugly to me is beautiful to someone else (note I say IS beautiful, not MAY BE beautiful because someone will always be somebody else's idea of beautiful).
Grand Master is from an island off the more Southern coast of Korea, and so has dark skin. He is very handsome and distinguished and if you don't think so then you can join the shadist assfaces that left earlier because that door is still open, sucka. I cannot tell you how many times people have said, sometimes TO HIS FACE, "Oh! Your dad's so dark! I wasn't expecting that when you said he was Asian!" Really? Really? You think EVERY SINGLE Asian has pale skin? Not even every white person has pale skin AND WE'RE LITERALLY CALLED WHITE. Do you go up to light skinned black people and ask them why they aren't actually 'black' like straight up the color black?
And there's this too:
http://thinkingaboutoppa.tumblr.com/post/93843669135/fantasyhachi-members-who-have-the-best-skin-in
Their own freaking member straight up says they're wrong for being dark. Luhan, you broke my freaking heart when I saw this. So my Umma, Appa, brother, and cousin aren't beautiful because they have dark skin? You aren't just saying this to Asian people. You're saying this to your other fans who are dark skinned black, Latino, Italian, Armenian, Middle Eastern, Pacific Islander, Caribbean, and everyone else who basically is darker than you. Can I tell you your skin is too dark because I'm paler than you? YOU'RE WRONG. Suddenly, I miss you a little less. Look at Kris, trying to be the good leader and stave off an argument and also to not alienate their fanbase.
Shadism is just as bad. wrong, and prevalent as racism, only it's more accepted. Why? What makes someone so much better looking if they're paler? In America, it's the opposite. The paler you are, the less attractive you're considered. In America and Great Britain there's commercials for bronzer and tanning beds out the wazoo because here, you're prettier if you have darker skin.
EVERY RACE HAS SHADISM AND EVERY INSTANCE IS WRONG. YOUR SKIN IS WHO YOU ARE AND IT IS PERFECT THE WAY IT IS.
THIS. MAKES. ME. SO. MAD. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Okay, okay, first of all, Kai is so much more attractive in his REAL skin tone than he is in all the photos and videos where they bleached him. AND they do this to Tao as well. THEY EVEN LIGHTENED KAI'S FUCKING EYES. WHAT THE HELL?!
Homeboy is dark, don't give me any baloney about the lighting being brighter in one, I chose two well lit photos where neither is on stage, and one is a selfie so you can see how beautiful his skin is and how Tao doesn't lighten his own pictures.
Everyone should be mad about this, because if you approve of this then you're a terrible person, plain and simple. There's the door, I will hold it open for you. Pale skin does not equal beauty. You could be pale and be ugly as fuck to some people, ain't no amount of skin bleach or lightening makeup can change that. But there's also beauty in everyone, so what's ugly to me is beautiful to someone else (note I say IS beautiful, not MAY BE beautiful because someone will always be somebody else's idea of beautiful).
Grand Master is from an island off the more Southern coast of Korea, and so has dark skin. He is very handsome and distinguished and if you don't think so then you can join the shadist assfaces that left earlier because that door is still open, sucka. I cannot tell you how many times people have said, sometimes TO HIS FACE, "Oh! Your dad's so dark! I wasn't expecting that when you said he was Asian!" Really? Really? You think EVERY SINGLE Asian has pale skin? Not even every white person has pale skin AND WE'RE LITERALLY CALLED WHITE. Do you go up to light skinned black people and ask them why they aren't actually 'black' like straight up the color black?
And there's this too:
http://thinkingaboutoppa.tumblr.com/post/93843669135/fantasyhachi-members-who-have-the-best-skin-in
Their own freaking member straight up says they're wrong for being dark. Luhan, you broke my freaking heart when I saw this. So my Umma, Appa, brother, and cousin aren't beautiful because they have dark skin? You aren't just saying this to Asian people. You're saying this to your other fans who are dark skinned black, Latino, Italian, Armenian, Middle Eastern, Pacific Islander, Caribbean, and everyone else who basically is darker than you. Can I tell you your skin is too dark because I'm paler than you? YOU'RE WRONG. Suddenly, I miss you a little less. Look at Kris, trying to be the good leader and stave off an argument and also to not alienate their fanbase.
Shadism is just as bad. wrong, and prevalent as racism, only it's more accepted. Why? What makes someone so much better looking if they're paler? In America, it's the opposite. The paler you are, the less attractive you're considered. In America and Great Britain there's commercials for bronzer and tanning beds out the wazoo because here, you're prettier if you have darker skin.
EVERY RACE HAS SHADISM AND EVERY INSTANCE IS WRONG. YOUR SKIN IS WHO YOU ARE AND IT IS PERFECT THE WAY IT IS.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
I'm falling all over myself. Trying to be someone else.
My sister, while she's spoiled, selfish, self-entered, and almost certainly a sociopath, is still my sister. She's the eldest daughter, and our shared birth father has doted on her since birth. His first son was taken away from him by the boy's mother. [Note; there's six total kids (that we know of) and there's four mothers.] Don't feel totally sorry for him, he had a choice; be arrested or disappear and never talk to the boy. He took the coward's way out and disappeared.
Since he lost his son, he's had a fierce love for my sister. A love I hated, was jealous of, and tried to sabotage many times over my life. How he loves her, he resents me. I don't know why, I only know he does, because he's told me.
Recently, this boy-man, now, really-has sought out his father. He found him, and they've reconnected. I've gotten texts telling me how wonderful J is, how I'd love him if I met him, how his kid is so cute and wonderful too. A (our birth father) keeps a running commentary about him to me, even though I haven't spoken to A in a year, since he told me he didn't want me.
I met the other brother that just showed up. His name is C, and he's in his mid-twenties, nice guy, actually. He's also an alcoholic and recklessly impulsive. His mother is A's girlfriend (yeah, that whole family is a fucking Jerry Springer week special). I told him over skype I wasn't ready to meet him in person, and this pabo showed up at my work a week later, because he couldn't "wait to be a big brother". It sounds sweet, but honestly, I didn't ask for a big brother. I barely get along with my oldest sister, and that's only because I've figured out how to be around her without wanting to kill her, ie, ignoring all of the racist, moronic garbage that comes out every four sentences.
I'm happy with my other family. Grand Master, Ahjumma, Master K, Master H, Captain N, my mom, that's my family. I've all but severed ties with anyone associated with A, and I'm better for it, really. I have a father. A father who actually wants me around. A father who listens when I'm speaking and doesn't tell me I'm stupid or that there's so much wrong with me that it's no wonder I have trouble talking to people. A father who makes me feel loved and wanted. A father who doesn't hit me.
My sister is having her birthday party tomorrow. She's invited me, and insisted on driving me there (which is, in itself a HUGE red flag). J will be there and knowing my sister, she'll make some big speech about how we siblings should connect as a family and how isn't she the most wonderful for bringing the youngest and oldest siblings together finally? Because I'm the holdout. C, J, and both my older sisters had Thanksgiving, Sunday dinnners, and Christmas all together. As a big family. I was told about these things.
But this man stole from my mother, verbally abused her, emotionally abused her, physically and verbally abused me, told me he wished I was never born, that I was the reason he was never happy, that I needed to leave his house and his life because I was so negative in that I wouldn't forget the past that he couldn't have me in either one. He came in and told my other with no warning that his girlfriend (C's mom) was moving in and me and her had ten days to move out. Why would I ever want to see or talk to that person again? And, yet, I am the bad guy. You see, because A's changed. He's a great father now. He's changed so much for the better.
I won't believe it. Because he hasn't. And he never will. He still refuses to admit he did any wrong to me. I have put years of abuse behind me and I'm not interested in having him dick me around so he can say he's in contact with all of his children. [For those of you keeping count, there's five of us around. The sixth is my sister, Victoria. She died. She still counts. She's the sixth one.] If he and the rest of them want to live a lie, then that's fine, but I'm not going to be a part of it. I'll see my sisters on holidays and birthdays. I don't have any bad feelings towards either of them. I love them, and I do wish they could see how conniving and manipulative A is, so they could leave him and find real happiness as well.
I don't want to meet J tomorrow. I'm sure he's really great, but I don't want to meet him. He knew about A so why did he let him just show up to the party almost thirty years late? He has a nice step dad and a nice half brother, why did he need A? Is he stupid or just naive? He's the only other one that A has completely abandoned. My mom says we'd probably get along. I don't know the exact reasons why I don't want to meet him, all I know is that I really really don't.
I'm scared. I'm scared A is going to pull me back in. He spies on me already. I haven't talked to him in a year, yet he knows exactly what goes on in my life. Part of it is my sister telling him (another reason I don't exactly always get along with her). He has me followed. I won't willingly go back to him, but it feels like he'll always know where I am, because he's a sick, sick man who threw me out but wants me on the edges of his life so he can have a scapegoat for his failures (there's a lot), for his addictions, for his anger, for his depression, for his unhappiness, and so he can smack someone around when it gets to be too overwhelming. I'm the only one he ever hit. Why? I'm the youngest, he should have protected me.
But that's neither here, nor there.
Since he lost his son, he's had a fierce love for my sister. A love I hated, was jealous of, and tried to sabotage many times over my life. How he loves her, he resents me. I don't know why, I only know he does, because he's told me.
Recently, this boy-man, now, really-has sought out his father. He found him, and they've reconnected. I've gotten texts telling me how wonderful J is, how I'd love him if I met him, how his kid is so cute and wonderful too. A (our birth father) keeps a running commentary about him to me, even though I haven't spoken to A in a year, since he told me he didn't want me.
I met the other brother that just showed up. His name is C, and he's in his mid-twenties, nice guy, actually. He's also an alcoholic and recklessly impulsive. His mother is A's girlfriend (yeah, that whole family is a fucking Jerry Springer week special). I told him over skype I wasn't ready to meet him in person, and this pabo showed up at my work a week later, because he couldn't "wait to be a big brother". It sounds sweet, but honestly, I didn't ask for a big brother. I barely get along with my oldest sister, and that's only because I've figured out how to be around her without wanting to kill her, ie, ignoring all of the racist, moronic garbage that comes out every four sentences.
I'm happy with my other family. Grand Master, Ahjumma, Master K, Master H, Captain N, my mom, that's my family. I've all but severed ties with anyone associated with A, and I'm better for it, really. I have a father. A father who actually wants me around. A father who listens when I'm speaking and doesn't tell me I'm stupid or that there's so much wrong with me that it's no wonder I have trouble talking to people. A father who makes me feel loved and wanted. A father who doesn't hit me.
My sister is having her birthday party tomorrow. She's invited me, and insisted on driving me there (which is, in itself a HUGE red flag). J will be there and knowing my sister, she'll make some big speech about how we siblings should connect as a family and how isn't she the most wonderful for bringing the youngest and oldest siblings together finally? Because I'm the holdout. C, J, and both my older sisters had Thanksgiving, Sunday dinnners, and Christmas all together. As a big family. I was told about these things.
But this man stole from my mother, verbally abused her, emotionally abused her, physically and verbally abused me, told me he wished I was never born, that I was the reason he was never happy, that I needed to leave his house and his life because I was so negative in that I wouldn't forget the past that he couldn't have me in either one. He came in and told my other with no warning that his girlfriend (C's mom) was moving in and me and her had ten days to move out. Why would I ever want to see or talk to that person again? And, yet, I am the bad guy. You see, because A's changed. He's a great father now. He's changed so much for the better.
I won't believe it. Because he hasn't. And he never will. He still refuses to admit he did any wrong to me. I have put years of abuse behind me and I'm not interested in having him dick me around so he can say he's in contact with all of his children. [For those of you keeping count, there's five of us around. The sixth is my sister, Victoria. She died. She still counts. She's the sixth one.] If he and the rest of them want to live a lie, then that's fine, but I'm not going to be a part of it. I'll see my sisters on holidays and birthdays. I don't have any bad feelings towards either of them. I love them, and I do wish they could see how conniving and manipulative A is, so they could leave him and find real happiness as well.
I don't want to meet J tomorrow. I'm sure he's really great, but I don't want to meet him. He knew about A so why did he let him just show up to the party almost thirty years late? He has a nice step dad and a nice half brother, why did he need A? Is he stupid or just naive? He's the only other one that A has completely abandoned. My mom says we'd probably get along. I don't know the exact reasons why I don't want to meet him, all I know is that I really really don't.
I'm scared. I'm scared A is going to pull me back in. He spies on me already. I haven't talked to him in a year, yet he knows exactly what goes on in my life. Part of it is my sister telling him (another reason I don't exactly always get along with her). He has me followed. I won't willingly go back to him, but it feels like he'll always know where I am, because he's a sick, sick man who threw me out but wants me on the edges of his life so he can have a scapegoat for his failures (there's a lot), for his addictions, for his anger, for his depression, for his unhappiness, and so he can smack someone around when it gets to be too overwhelming. I'm the only one he ever hit. Why? I'm the youngest, he should have protected me.
But that's neither here, nor there.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Why, Tokio Hotel? Just....why?
Tokio Hotel, oh my goodness, honestly, I was contemplating even writing this post because I knew one blog post could not hold in my love for them. Trust that it's a lot. It's more than a lot, actually, it's astronomical, it's.....it's just a huge amount.
For ten years, I have been a Tokio Hotel fan. Yes, I got bullied because I liked them and they looked 'girly' or 'weird' (TRY BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING). Blah, blah, blah, most Americans just don't understand them, okay? Anyway, my point is is that at one point, if any of the boys had asked me to rip out my own heart and hand it to them, I would have, blindly, and happily, thanking them the entire time.
I'm a (mostly) reasonable adult now, and I do accept change. No, this isn't going to be one of those fangirl hissyfits because one of them cut his hair or anything. I love their look, I love that they completely change their look every few months. That's life, that's art, that's called being an artist and a creator. If you ask them not to change, you're asking them to stop being themselves. Hold up your copy of Schrei (or Scream if you got into them late and/or don't speak German). Okay, now hold it up to your copy of "Humanoid." Do those cds sound alike at all? BE HONEST. No, one is a natural progression of the other, showing growth, maturation and change.
Five years. Five years is how long I and many others have waited for a Tokio Hotel comeback. I understood that there was hardly any news from camp Tokio. I understood that the boys needed a break to live life and follow their paths. I understood that their sound would be radically different upon returning, since there was such a large gap between releases. So, tell me, just what the hell Kings of Suburbia is. Besides a disappointing mess that frankly just made my heart hurt. I can understand what direction they had in mind. I don't mind the electronic, I knew that they were going for a more electronic heavy sound. But why was there so much?
The vocals are all over the damn place, to the point where at times it's hard to see that this is in fact Bill Kaulitz singing. A few songs I looked to see who was featured because it didn't sound a thing even close to him, and was surprised to see that it was still fucking Bill! I can't hear Tom Kaulitz's signature guitar tone at all, it's been buried under synths. (I honestly almost typed 'Tomi' instead of 'Tom'. As in, the affectionate nickname I've called him for ten years, starting when I was nine and desperately in love with him. God, that's deeply programmed). And, Gorg Listing and Gustav Schafer's bass and drums have all but been replaced by machines that do not even begin to live up to their skills respectively. The only song that even barely smacks of real Tokio Hotel is "Run Run Run." Basically, this whole album is a letdown garnished with a giant scoop of 'What the fuck?'. I want my five years of breathless anticipation back.
Now, this is where I get totally despaired because it's, it's just so....so wrong. Tokio Hotel stood for being different, for being meaningful, for being yourself no matter what. Their video for "Girl Got a Gun is basically everything that is wrong with their new sound (I can't even bring myself to call it new Tokio Hotel, because simply, it's NOT). I liked the colorful people. They reminded me of My Chemical Romance (my absolute favorite people on this entire planet and universe and anywhere and everywhere else in the galaxy)'s video for "Na NaNaNa NaNaNaNa NaNaNaNaNa". I liked the outrageous outfits and the crazy hair and even the bare, most basic plotline. I did not like the eating of blurred out phallic items. I did not like the masturbating furry. I did not like the blurred out grotesque penis on the furry. I did not like the bouncing ping pong balls that represented ejaculation.
Their video for "Love Who Loves You Back,"? Terrible also. I'm all for the LGBTIQA support, I love it. I liked the fact that they had same sex couples in the video. I think they need more representation in modern music. I do not like the all out orgy that makes up the majority of the video. It's a common trapping artists from other countries make. It's a well known fact that sex sells. It's obvious. You do not need to out-sex and out-shock literally everyone else in the business WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE A VERY SIZABLE FANBASE IN AMERICA! They already do! The only fanbase larger is their German one! You don't need to grab us, you've already got us! They gave in to the American popular society, completely forgetting that their fanbase is in the alternative and Goth inclined. Were we not good enough now that the boys are all grown up? Do they just want the nascent and shallow electronic and club crowds? Is that all they are now, a repetitive and hollow electronic and dubstep group?
Where is the band that held my hand and said it would be all right? Where is the group that took me away from all of the hurt and gave me a world all about happiness and freedom? Where is the band that championed against bullying and fought for kids to be accepted exactly as they are? Where is the band I learned German for? You think I'm kidding? Tokio Hotel ist alles für mich! Ich liebe sie, und sie brach mein herz!
Saturday, January 17, 2015
I'm an angry punk........but the 5 year old in me won't let go of the Backstreet Boys
I'm not joking when I refer to myself as a punk historian. You want to hear the history of punk? Pull up and chair and pick an area of the US or a European country to start with because you're about to get learned, son. I did a research paper on just the New York and England scenes from 1970-1979 and was finished in three days. It was 35 pages long. Single spaced.
I know every subgenre from Oi! to Brazilian melodic to early-nineties-LA-bubblegum-glitter-glam. I got friends spanning from Al B Damned to Texas Drag Queen Massacre to Ionia to The Casualties down to the local punks around here in Bleach Drinker. I've read so many books on punk that I had to buy a separate bookshelf just for them and it ended up collapsing under it's own weight. When I was being interviewed for my first internship at 16 and was asked about my experience in the field, I had none so I talked for an hour about the impact of the Sex Pistols on modern music in general. That's how I got hired over college grads. Safe to say, I know my shit.
I also have an undying love for boy bands. Say what you will, I promise I give a shit. Not really. It started when I was 5. I had been listening happily to Marilyn Manson and Slipknot for around a year (my mother used to be an Aerosmith, White Snake, Def Leppard and Motley Crue groupie (unsuccessfully, thank god)). Then "It's Gotta Be You," was heard blaring from the TV where my eight year old half sister sat staring dreamily at these five baggy pants and tank tops wearing, hip thrusting young men. Their lack of makeup and masks did confuse me, as did the missing of screaming and curse words, but their voices were so melodic and, well frankly, pretty. I was hooked. Now my days consisted of badgering my mother to make me mix tapes of Millennium and Anti-Christ Superstar so I could listen to my favorite guys on the way to school.
Despite a brief obsession with *NSYNC, which faded away with the announcement of their "hiatus", the Backstreet Boys continued to be my guilty pleasure. Yup, I supported them through Kevin's departure, their unspeakably rapid decline in popularity, the lost sounding Unbreakable album , the dance hall heavy This Is Us, Kevin's blessed return, everything, okay? I even got beat up when I was ten because I refused to refer to them as the "Back Door Boys".
Oh, turning twelve. Emo was happening and I was on the boat to skulls and studs island. My Chemical Romance became my lords and saviors and everything I owned suddenly turned red and black. I pruned my closet of anything brighter than a dull grey (blood red not counting of course), and boxed up my precious boy band tapes in fear that someone would find them and declare me *gasp* a poseur. But late at night, when my panda eyes had been rubbed off and my fake piercings had been removed, you could find me curled up under my (black) comforter, listening to "Let me tell you about the call that changed my des-ti-nay-ay......"
Over half a decade later, and I still love My Chemical Romance and Slipknot are still the greatest band in the history of the universe in my opinion, and my nickname is still Joey after I wouldn't shut up about the Ramones for a solid year, and my bedclothes are still black (which makes finding my black phone in them at night fun), and I STILL LOVE BSB. These boys (men, really, they could be my dad if I'm being honest) still have a special place in my heart. I have every album (including the rare European version of their debut album). I have the singles, the magazines (with hearts around Brian, who was destined to be my husband in my mind, and who is still my favorite member), the hoodies, the posters, the key chains, every embarrassing merch item my preteen hands could grab. I made a fan art that had all of their singles wound into the picture for their twentieth anniversary. Judge me if you want, I'll be over here listening to "Bay-bay, it's the way ya make me, kinda get me go cra-zay, never wanna stop!"
I know every subgenre from Oi! to Brazilian melodic to early-nineties-LA-bubblegum-glitter-glam. I got friends spanning from Al B Damned to Texas Drag Queen Massacre to Ionia to The Casualties down to the local punks around here in Bleach Drinker. I've read so many books on punk that I had to buy a separate bookshelf just for them and it ended up collapsing under it's own weight. When I was being interviewed for my first internship at 16 and was asked about my experience in the field, I had none so I talked for an hour about the impact of the Sex Pistols on modern music in general. That's how I got hired over college grads. Safe to say, I know my shit.
I also have an undying love for boy bands. Say what you will, I promise I give a shit. Not really. It started when I was 5. I had been listening happily to Marilyn Manson and Slipknot for around a year (my mother used to be an Aerosmith, White Snake, Def Leppard and Motley Crue groupie (unsuccessfully, thank god)). Then "It's Gotta Be You," was heard blaring from the TV where my eight year old half sister sat staring dreamily at these five baggy pants and tank tops wearing, hip thrusting young men. Their lack of makeup and masks did confuse me, as did the missing of screaming and curse words, but their voices were so melodic and, well frankly, pretty. I was hooked. Now my days consisted of badgering my mother to make me mix tapes of Millennium and Anti-Christ Superstar so I could listen to my favorite guys on the way to school.
Despite a brief obsession with *NSYNC, which faded away with the announcement of their "hiatus", the Backstreet Boys continued to be my guilty pleasure. Yup, I supported them through Kevin's departure, their unspeakably rapid decline in popularity, the lost sounding Unbreakable album , the dance hall heavy This Is Us, Kevin's blessed return, everything, okay? I even got beat up when I was ten because I refused to refer to them as the "Back Door Boys".
Oh, turning twelve. Emo was happening and I was on the boat to skulls and studs island. My Chemical Romance became my lords and saviors and everything I owned suddenly turned red and black. I pruned my closet of anything brighter than a dull grey (blood red not counting of course), and boxed up my precious boy band tapes in fear that someone would find them and declare me *gasp* a poseur. But late at night, when my panda eyes had been rubbed off and my fake piercings had been removed, you could find me curled up under my (black) comforter, listening to "Let me tell you about the call that changed my des-ti-nay-ay......"
Over half a decade later, and I still love My Chemical Romance and Slipknot are still the greatest band in the history of the universe in my opinion, and my nickname is still Joey after I wouldn't shut up about the Ramones for a solid year, and my bedclothes are still black (which makes finding my black phone in them at night fun), and I STILL LOVE BSB. These boys (men, really, they could be my dad if I'm being honest) still have a special place in my heart. I have every album (including the rare European version of their debut album). I have the singles, the magazines (with hearts around Brian, who was destined to be my husband in my mind, and who is still my favorite member), the hoodies, the posters, the key chains, every embarrassing merch item my preteen hands could grab. I made a fan art that had all of their singles wound into the picture for their twentieth anniversary. Judge me if you want, I'll be over here listening to "Bay-bay, it's the way ya make me, kinda get me go cra-zay, never wanna stop!"
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