I've Got a Lot of Red In My Ledger

Cliche title, I know.

If I could go back, I would. If I could go back and tell that little girl I used to be, that innocent and pure little girl, that none of it was worth it, I would. Drugs and gangs aren't fun, they aren't things to play with, and they will catch you. Once you are in, you don't come out. Ever.

They look like dangerous fun from the outside, a world to flirt with and go back to the normal world, smiling at your dangerous little secret, your little secret that makes you untouchable. That secret may protect you from most, but it's a grenade, and you don't even realize it until it goes off. That world has bear trap jaws and they snap on everyone that comes through them, whether they know it or not.

I know things. There's things I've seen, things I stood by and let happen, that I hate. While I haven't done any criminal activity myself, I am not innocent. I've covered for people. Lied for them. Protected them. Hid them. And I shouldn't have. I did it because I was told to. I did it because I chose to.

I thought that world would protect me. I thought I was smarter than it. If I didn't do anything myself, I was safe. If I didn't do the drugs, I was safe. If I was just an information passer, I was safe. I wasn't part of it. I wasn't a member. I was okay. I wasn't.

When I put on that bandanna, when I put on those colors, I became a bad person. When I started trusting those colors, I was part of it. I was furthering the cause. When I learned the secret code, the hand signals, the written ones, the unspoken ones, I was part of it.

I want to not be a part of it. I want to be able to walk through a city and not immediately know what deals are going on, just by looking around. I want to erase every fact, every thing I ever learned from them and be innocent. I want to be the very person I fought against. I want to be "empty-headed," a "waste of space." I want to be the kind of person they called, "targets," "pawns."

Especially now, that a family has taken me in, shown me the life I should have had, I want to be free from all of that knowledge. I feel like I am dirty compared to them. A slug on a white bed sheet. They are so innocent, so clean, so unknowing of certain dangers, that I envy them. I want to not be forever associated and lumped in with drug addicts and gang members. I got out of that world, so untie my connections to it!

I want to not immediately tense and form an alibi when I see police; I want to feel safe and relieved they are there. I want to not pull at my sleeves and have my mouth go dry when I see a needle; I want to feel slightly light headed, like everyone else. I want to be a part of society. A clean, normal person, the kind I never got to be, the kind that I could have been before I was dragged in, before I was brainwashed into thinking that was my only fate, that that was the only world that would protect me, love me, take care of me. Every word they told me was a lie and I became just another victim.

I have physical scars, yes, from that world. But the mental ones and emotional ones are so many in number, they run so deep, that I fear I will never find a place in normal society, in everyday life that doesn't include illicit activities. I've been out of that world for over a year now. What do I have to do to cleanse myself of that world, to shake off the shackles that bind me better and more effectively than prison ones ever could?

Group Gush: Deathstars

Uuhhhhh, this group. I love them so much! I've had an obsession with them for about six or seven years, much to the consternation of my mother. She cannot stand them, and it honestly just makes me like them more, because I fully subscribe to the cliche that if you forbid me to do something, I will do it twice and laugh in your face when you find out.

I've always said, my opinion on bands hinges on two things: if you can scare me or make me squeal in delight, you've got yourself a new fan. And Deathstars does both. They're vaguely Satanic (though not nearly as much as they used to be) and controversial and it just makes me love them even more.

Their first album, Synthetic Generation, was a thing of genius. It was so dark, so scary, that I had it taken away from me at school for "spreading the words of Satan," and I went to public school. It was a mixture of mostly gothic industrial metal with a little bit of glam, and a dash of the early 2000's millenium futuristic look that was so rampant then. Their video for the title track, "Synthetic Generation," still makes me a bit creeped out today. That creepy little baby thing that crawls over that woman's prone body is just bleehhhh! But it worked.

Second album, Termination Bliss, remains my favorite of theirs. It's definitely more metal than the previous, which is always a good thing in my book. The picture above is from this era, which means it's a bit out of date, but look at them! Aren't they just so....uuunnfff here? Okay, they're always sexy, but whatever. This era was all about militaristic looks paired with evil sounds. "Cyanide," is their best video to date, hands down. "Tongues," is basically a crash course in everything that is great about this band. It's blasphemous, and controversial because the lyric "Speak the little girl's name," sounds curiously like, "Speak evil in God's name," and it's sexy in a dark and creepy way.

And here is where Deathstars hit a wall. Their third album, "Night Electric Night," was the first of theirs to be widely available in North America (I found my copy in a freaking FYE in Indiana for crying out loud) and I think the success went to their heads a little. They had ramped up the electronic on this album, but not enough to capture the hardcore industrial fans and too much for their glam and goth fans. It was a bit of a lost sounding album, like they were trying to keep their familiar genius but also trying to sound more accessible. People feared that they had completely sold out and weren't the Goth devil darlings we all knew and loved. Follow up single "Metal," saw them trying desperately to find a sound to stick with by putting the dirty glam into overdrive and fighting to prove they were still the best at what they do. It failed. I haven't seen a Deathstars album in an American store anywhere in the country for about four years.

I'm one of those Deathstars fans that would follow them anywhere, but a lot of fans had abandoned them. When word was released that they had a new album called, "The Perfect Cult," coming out, it wasn't met with much enthusiasm. The public figured we'd have either another "Night Electric Night," or worst case scenario, a mess of electronic and dubstep. It was not. "The Perfect Cult," sounds like a continuation of "Termination Bliss," and should have been the sound they had on their third album. They are definitely back and firing on all cylinders. I'm more in love with them than ever, because they got their egos in check, humbled themselves, and wisely went back to their familiar sound, but modernized it so that it never feels stale or like they're retreading old stuff.

Something about Deathstars just draws you in and you never quite feel safe with them, but you definitely don't want to leave them. And the way lead singer Whiplasher Bernadotte speaks and sings, I call it the "Marilyn Manson," tone, where no matter what he's saying, it sounds like he's inviting you to bed with him, all the while with a sexy, secret smirk, like he knows something you don't. It's dangerous and devastatingly attractive, much like everything about Deathstars.