My bamboo plant, Xiumin (I can't have a pet, alright?)
Professional wrestling (every company and league)
Dean Ambrose/Jon Moxley
Solomon Crowe/Sami Calahan
South Korean culture
Taiwanese food
Vietnamese food
Chinese food
Japanese food
Korean food
the smell of the Indian restaurant down the street by my house
French fries
DIET PEPSI
Jeff Hardy
Gerard Way
GIRL'S DAY
K-pop
Teen Top
B.A.P
Vixx
U-Kiss
boy bands in general
Backstreet Boys
The Ramones
The Sex Pistols
John Lydon
Sid Vicious
Iggy Pop
Robert Smith
Taylor Momsen
Caitlyn Jenner
Laura Jane Grace
National Geographic
Disney
DOCTOR WHO
WrestleMania
Marilyn Monroe
The Cleveland Show
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (all of the universes)
Donatello in particular
My Chemical Romance
Rain (both the Korean singer and the kind that falls from the sky)
grey clouds
the color grey
military style jackets
silver buttons
Sailor Moon
Death Note
Vampire Knight
Yotsuba&!
Pucca
Doraemon
Yu-Gi-Oh!
chopsticks
bad horror movies from the 20's-79
Harry Potter
Kazuchika Okada
Bowling For Soup
Kota Ibushi
Care Bears
hockey
The Casualities
Chicago Bulls
Deathstars
Shagrath
Wu Yifan
Maria Brink
The Crow
Legend (the boy group)
4Minute
Stig
Lovex
Motionless In White
Giriboy
Vasco
Acey Slade
Wednesday 13
Alexi Laiho
Cradle of Filth
Slipknot
Alkaline Trio
Fat Mike
Chris #2
Baby Metal
Toxsick Tripp
'Rauta' by Korpiklaani
Tapio Rautavaara
Joey Jordison
New York Dolls
the Peppermint Creeps
Candy Apple Queenz
Vampire Love Dolls
Tokio Hotel
Type O Negative
Bob Girls
Jackie Chan
Ladies' Code
MyName
Super Junior
EXO (music, not news, because it's never good news)
HyunA
The 69 Eyes
I Love Lucy
long road trips
NPR
seashells
books about geishas
Jackass
Kingdom Hearts
old goth music
old punk music
pawn shops
GoodWill
Chuseok
Taco Bell
Lee Gunwoo
Kim Minseok
Kim Namjoon
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Angry Beavers
The Simpsons
Stewie Griffin
maple nut goodies
popsicles
studying foreign languages
finding rare cds
Mulan
comic book stores
rabbits
cows
Courtney Love
books about the history of punk or metal
taekwondo
learning difficult choreographed dances
jelly beans
Vans
Doc Martens
The Master of Disguise
What makes you happy?
Monday, July 13, 2015
Sunday, July 12, 2015
I'm losing all demand, I've broken all my plans
Listening to Hawthorne Heights always fucks with my head. Gets me thinking about things I don't want to.
My background is a picture of me and my adoptive dad. It's my favorite picture, but lately I get sad or mad when I click on my phone and just see that picture. It means that for the nth day in a row, no one has contacted me.
If someone was thrown out of my family, someone I saw almost everyday, someone who was my FUCKING SIBLING *sorry, calming* I would shoot them a text every once in a while, like, maybe at least once a month? Or if I knew my cousin that I was almost sisters with suddenly stopped updating her status and pretty much disappeared off social media altogether, I'd notice and ask what was wrong.
I did a little experiment. I went offline for almost two weeks to see if anyone in my family noticed. I'm a person who updates their status about once a day, so it's pretty consistent. It started off as a week long experiment that stretched into seeing how long it would really be before ANYONE AT ALL noticed I'd gone AWOL. YW messaged me ten days after I disappeared without a warning to anyone.
Yes, the boy who broke my heart and who is currently halfway across the globe and thirteen hours ahead of me is the only one in almost 250 people who noticed I hadn't spoken to anyone and had effectively disappeared. It's pretty sad. I didn't know that's how little I mattered to people. I selfishly thought my little wisecracks and jokes everyday (the majority of my statuses) stuck out to people.
Don't get me wrong, I've tried to contact both my sisters AND my cousins AND others, repeatedly. My phone is filled to the brim with excuses "I've got to grocery shopping those days..." "My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along, I think we need time to ourselves..." "I'm busy all those days..." Nobody even tries to make time to see me, or follows up with what days they're free. I'd make time for them. It seems if I don't give them money or sex, I'm not worth anyone's time. Their boyfriends are their worlds, so much that one afternoon away from them is too damn much it seems. I've even said the boyfriend could come along! I just get another excuse.....if you don't want to spend time with me, just say it. After a while, you just stop trying, because excuses can hurt more than a flat out no. I'd at least respect a no. Nobody I know takes three days to go grocery shopping for a two person household. I mean, if you live with your boyfriend, don't you have a bunch of time to yourselves, just the two of you? Or do I just not understand how those kinds of relationships work?
250 people, not one word. Granted, around 15 of those are people from high school who I don't speak to very much at all and only friended me so they wouldn't get named in the bullying lawsuit that ran through my school that I was called into as a key witness and victim. About 80 are bands or record producers, or promoters that I've worked with in the past or somewhat currently. About 20 are models or speakers I like. So really, only about 135 people that I talk to regularly and include nearly all of my family members ignored my little self-absorbed experiment.
I was hoping someone would have noticed. I read a ton of people's statuses everyday and I send people a message if I don't see them for a couple of days. Maybe I'm sentimental, maybe I don't have a life, maybe I care a bit too much about people and how they feel. Maybe I'm just more observational than most.
Or maybe I really don't stand out as much as I think I do. Maybe it wouldn't matter at all to most if I just did something to myself. Yeah, my family would be shocked at first, but in the long run, would they even remember me? Or just my actions? Would they remember my witty observations, or the fact that I did drugs and went to rehab before I was 19? Would they remember I bake some awesome lemon meringue pie, or the fact I was arrested twice for protesting FOX News? Would they remember how I worked so hard at writing that Rob Zombie himself asked me to interview him, ignoring 21 professional and fully qualified journalists that had actually applied to interview him or the fact that I ended up cracking under my own loneliness and overdosed and killed myself on my own anxiety and depression pills?
I saw a video last night. It was on facebook, it was of an African-American man, long dreadlocks, tattoos on his arms, he looked like someone I could get along with. He talked about how he felt he had to make this video, he felt called to it. He said whoever was watching who wanted to die, he said don't let those thoughts kill you. He said he was praying that that person, or people would stop and live through the night. His name, he said was Trent Shelton. His facebook said he was going to be in my town on August 22. I might go, I don't know, I might not be here then.
Well, I lived through last night. My question is, did anybody but Trent notice or even care?
My phone just rang. I jumped for it, thinking it was someone who noticed my "Would anyone miss me if I disappeared?" status. Nope. Just my weather alert saying there was going to be a flash flood warning until tomorrow morning. This is an awful line, but it's all I can think of: there's a flash flood in my heart because now I can't stop crying.
My background is a picture of me and my adoptive dad. It's my favorite picture, but lately I get sad or mad when I click on my phone and just see that picture. It means that for the nth day in a row, no one has contacted me.
If someone was thrown out of my family, someone I saw almost everyday, someone who was my FUCKING SIBLING *sorry, calming* I would shoot them a text every once in a while, like, maybe at least once a month? Or if I knew my cousin that I was almost sisters with suddenly stopped updating her status and pretty much disappeared off social media altogether, I'd notice and ask what was wrong.
I did a little experiment. I went offline for almost two weeks to see if anyone in my family noticed. I'm a person who updates their status about once a day, so it's pretty consistent. It started off as a week long experiment that stretched into seeing how long it would really be before ANYONE AT ALL noticed I'd gone AWOL. YW messaged me ten days after I disappeared without a warning to anyone.
Yes, the boy who broke my heart and who is currently halfway across the globe and thirteen hours ahead of me is the only one in almost 250 people who noticed I hadn't spoken to anyone and had effectively disappeared. It's pretty sad. I didn't know that's how little I mattered to people. I selfishly thought my little wisecracks and jokes everyday (the majority of my statuses) stuck out to people.
Don't get me wrong, I've tried to contact both my sisters AND my cousins AND others, repeatedly. My phone is filled to the brim with excuses "I've got to grocery shopping those days..." "My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along, I think we need time to ourselves..." "I'm busy all those days..." Nobody even tries to make time to see me, or follows up with what days they're free. I'd make time for them. It seems if I don't give them money or sex, I'm not worth anyone's time. Their boyfriends are their worlds, so much that one afternoon away from them is too damn much it seems. I've even said the boyfriend could come along! I just get another excuse.....if you don't want to spend time with me, just say it. After a while, you just stop trying, because excuses can hurt more than a flat out no. I'd at least respect a no. Nobody I know takes three days to go grocery shopping for a two person household. I mean, if you live with your boyfriend, don't you have a bunch of time to yourselves, just the two of you? Or do I just not understand how those kinds of relationships work?
250 people, not one word. Granted, around 15 of those are people from high school who I don't speak to very much at all and only friended me so they wouldn't get named in the bullying lawsuit that ran through my school that I was called into as a key witness and victim. About 80 are bands or record producers, or promoters that I've worked with in the past or somewhat currently. About 20 are models or speakers I like. So really, only about 135 people that I talk to regularly and include nearly all of my family members ignored my little self-absorbed experiment.
I was hoping someone would have noticed. I read a ton of people's statuses everyday and I send people a message if I don't see them for a couple of days. Maybe I'm sentimental, maybe I don't have a life, maybe I care a bit too much about people and how they feel. Maybe I'm just more observational than most.
Or maybe I really don't stand out as much as I think I do. Maybe it wouldn't matter at all to most if I just did something to myself. Yeah, my family would be shocked at first, but in the long run, would they even remember me? Or just my actions? Would they remember my witty observations, or the fact that I did drugs and went to rehab before I was 19? Would they remember I bake some awesome lemon meringue pie, or the fact I was arrested twice for protesting FOX News? Would they remember how I worked so hard at writing that Rob Zombie himself asked me to interview him, ignoring 21 professional and fully qualified journalists that had actually applied to interview him or the fact that I ended up cracking under my own loneliness and overdosed and killed myself on my own anxiety and depression pills?
I saw a video last night. It was on facebook, it was of an African-American man, long dreadlocks, tattoos on his arms, he looked like someone I could get along with. He talked about how he felt he had to make this video, he felt called to it. He said whoever was watching who wanted to die, he said don't let those thoughts kill you. He said he was praying that that person, or people would stop and live through the night. His name, he said was Trent Shelton. His facebook said he was going to be in my town on August 22. I might go, I don't know, I might not be here then.
Well, I lived through last night. My question is, did anybody but Trent notice or even care?
My phone just rang. I jumped for it, thinking it was someone who noticed my "Would anyone miss me if I disappeared?" status. Nope. Just my weather alert saying there was going to be a flash flood warning until tomorrow morning. This is an awful line, but it's all I can think of: there's a flash flood in my heart because now I can't stop crying.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
What Am I To You?
You complain about your chubby stomach
I think you're sexy no matter what
You say your glasses are too big
Your eyes make my heart beat so fast and your glasses magnify them so my heart beats ten times as fast for you
You don't like your big hands
I like how they make me feel safe when you hold my shoulders
You say you're too tall
I like that you have to bend down to back hug me because you're my jolly giant
You say your acne is ugly
I don't see a thing wrong with anything about you
You ask why I want you
You're goddamn right I want you, just exactly the way you are
You're fucking perfect to me, and the "flaws" you talk about are just as perfect in my eyes
Everything about you, I adore
You're so fucking far away, it feels like a constant stomachache
Half a globe is definitely too far - freaking half a room is too far
You say you've never kissed someone
I would do anything to kiss you
You say you'll be back here soon
It kills me that I can't be a part of your "home"
Because wherever you are is my home
And I want to be important to you like you are to me
You ask why what we have isn't enough
Because no one has ever loved me the way I love you
I do have a hidden agenda for being your best friend
I want you any way I can get you
You're so wonderful, I don't know what I'd do without you
You're so kind, selfless, unselfish, I feel like I'm using you almost
I've never loved someone, I didn't believe it existed
But I don't know what else to call this sweet agony
You ask why no girl wants you
I sit here and ask You know I do, I'm right here, I make you so happy, you idiot
Because I'm not attractive in your eyes
And it kills me to know it, to see it in your eyes
There's nothing in this world I want more than your heart, and it's something I won't ever have.
I think you're sexy no matter what
You say your glasses are too big
Your eyes make my heart beat so fast and your glasses magnify them so my heart beats ten times as fast for you
You don't like your big hands
I like how they make me feel safe when you hold my shoulders
You say you're too tall
I like that you have to bend down to back hug me because you're my jolly giant
You say your acne is ugly
I don't see a thing wrong with anything about you
You ask why I want you
You're goddamn right I want you, just exactly the way you are
You're fucking perfect to me, and the "flaws" you talk about are just as perfect in my eyes
Everything about you, I adore
You're so fucking far away, it feels like a constant stomachache
Half a globe is definitely too far - freaking half a room is too far
You say you've never kissed someone
I would do anything to kiss you
You say you'll be back here soon
It kills me that I can't be a part of your "home"
Because wherever you are is my home
And I want to be important to you like you are to me
You ask why what we have isn't enough
Because no one has ever loved me the way I love you
I do have a hidden agenda for being your best friend
I want you any way I can get you
You're so wonderful, I don't know what I'd do without you
You're so kind, selfless, unselfish, I feel like I'm using you almost
I've never loved someone, I didn't believe it existed
But I don't know what else to call this sweet agony
You ask why no girl wants you
I sit here and ask You know I do, I'm right here, I make you so happy, you idiot
Because I'm not attractive in your eyes
And it kills me to know it, to see it in your eyes
There's nothing in this world I want more than your heart, and it's something I won't ever have.
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