Ppittureojillae

I really fucking wish I had some other friends. But no, BRILLIANT me had to fall for the only fricking friend I have that sticks around consistently. And, yeah, he's a dumb asshole who doesn't seem to realize when he fucking crushes my feelings, but he's all I got.

"You don't count as a girl"
"Yeah, but girls' opinions matter more than yours"
"You're not a real girl, not like an actual one, you know?"

Now, it would be totally understandable if he said this things and was clueless about the way I felt. But no, this guy is completely aware of how heart wrenching-ly in love with him I am and still says these things. Don't get me wrong; I am well aware that he will never return even one iota of my feelings, I chose to stay around him because I like being his friends. I just wish he wasn't a dick about my feelings.

I compliment people I know, everyone is well aware of this; I'm that nice person who no one seems to know where they came from, but all know that they get along with most everyone. So when I tell him, "Hey, that color looks good on you." Or, "You look nice, what's the occasion?" Tell me why this dude reacts like I just pulled a Gilderoy Lockhart on him and dropped a flipping mangy singing dwarf on his legs. (I reread Chamber of Secrets recently, can you tell?) NO SHIT, I know you don't want me, it's not like I proposed fricking marriage, I said you looked nice.

He says it'd be easier if I would just move on. Oh really? It would make your life easier because you feel a tiny bit awkward when I say you look nice or when one of your friends or teachers asks if I'm your girlfriend? Really? Because that sounds like a fucking picnic compared to my situation of having to listen to you drone on about how no girl wants you or even notices you, how hot some passing girl is, how you INTENTIONALLY try to make me jealous and then get put out when I don't do anything. Or whenever I bring up a guy I'm interested in or just met, you roll your eyes and change the subject, or bitch and moan how they're taking my attention away from you. I LOVE IT LET ME TELL YOU. You don't get to monopolize all my time, then constantly tell me you don't want me, then get shitty when I try to date other people. YOU TOLD ME TO GET OVER YOU WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

I don't understand what the fuck he wants from me and my patience is running real thin. I'm the kind of person where if you're not gonna shit, get off the pot. You can't ride two horses with one ass. Don't sit in the desert with your mouth open waiting for it to rain; you'll just wait yourself to death. Oh  my god, I will never get rid of my mother's backwoods folklore, will I?

I just want him to go away, he's more trouble than he's worth, honestly.

You Were a Beautiful Liar

I can't live like this anymore. I sat here and waited for you for months. I waited for you to call me, text me, something, because I made you my whole world. You were the sun whose warmth I gravitated towards. I wore the necklace with the charm you gave me on it every day. I touched it and wondered what you were up to, if you were happy. Your happiness was my job. I lived to make you happy, because it was the only thing I wanted to do, the only thing I wanted to see.

You told me you didn't want me the way I wanted you. You told me that a long time ago. I still stayed, foolishly thinking that one day you'd change your mind. I thought about it endlessly, dreaming of the day you would look at me with one tenth of the love I look at you with.

When you left for home over the summer, you were so upset that I couldn't see you to the airport. You were actually angry at me, something I'd never seen before. Angry, because you couldn't see me. The day before that, you gave me a charm of a turtle. You remembered that my Appa told me to dress nicer at the dojang, so that meant no more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirts. I've loved them my whole life, and you remembered that, and gave me something from your heart. I thought it had finally come, the day that you would realize you loved me.

We talked endlessly while you were gone. Every day, multiple times. Then, it was only once a day. Then, a few times a week. Then once a week. Then only when you remembered. You were back in the country, the same state, the same fucking city as me for four days before you remembered to let me know. You told me when you left you wanted me to come get you from the airport, so you could see me as soon as possible. What happened to that?

I waited for you. I waited so long for you. Not just for you to come back to America, but for you to love me. I wanted everything about you, even the bad things, because you were absolutely perfect to me. It sunk in today, that you really don't want me. And I was an idiot to think that would change.

You used to listen to all my inane thoughts for hours, you said I was fascinating. Now I can't even get you to talk to me. What happened while you were gone? Did you realize how pathetic I was? How crazy I was for doing literally everything under the sun you asked of me just for a little praise?

Or did you find someone else?

Even the thought of that makes me want to tear my heart out. I don't know what you wanted from me, or what you were getting from me, but it's obvious that I'm not doing it anymore. And, I don't want to live in this limbo any longer. I don't want to wait breathless, desperately, to hear from you anymore. I have to move on. I don't have anyone to move on to, true, but I'd rather be alone than the girl you drag around for some unknown reason that even your friends are beginning to question.

Things that make me happy - or less gloomy

My bamboo plant, Xiumin (I can't have a pet, alright?)
Professional wrestling (every company and league)
Dean Ambrose/Jon Moxley
Solomon Crowe/Sami Calahan
South Korean culture
Taiwanese food
Vietnamese food
Chinese food
Japanese food
Korean food
the smell of the Indian restaurant down the street by my house
French fries
DIET PEPSI
Jeff Hardy
Gerard Way
GIRL'S DAY
K-pop
Teen Top
B.A.P
Vixx
U-Kiss
boy bands in general
Backstreet Boys
The Ramones
The Sex Pistols
John Lydon
Sid Vicious
Iggy Pop
Robert Smith
Taylor Momsen
Caitlyn Jenner
Laura Jane Grace
National Geographic
Disney
DOCTOR WHO
WrestleMania
Marilyn Monroe
The Cleveland Show
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (all of the universes)
Donatello in particular
My Chemical Romance
Rain (both the Korean singer and the kind that falls from the sky)
grey clouds
the color grey
military style jackets
silver buttons
Sailor Moon
Death Note
Vampire Knight
Yotsuba&!
Pucca
Doraemon
Yu-Gi-Oh!
chopsticks
bad horror movies from the 20's-79
Harry Potter
Kazuchika Okada
Bowling For Soup
Kota Ibushi
Care Bears
hockey
The Casualities
Chicago Bulls
Deathstars
Shagrath
Wu Yifan
Maria Brink
The Crow
Legend (the boy group)
4Minute
Stig
Lovex
Motionless In White
Giriboy
Vasco
Acey Slade
Wednesday 13
Alexi Laiho
Cradle of Filth
Slipknot
Alkaline Trio
Fat Mike
Chris #2
Baby Metal
Toxsick Tripp
'Rauta' by Korpiklaani
Tapio Rautavaara
Joey Jordison
New York Dolls
the Peppermint Creeps
Candy Apple Queenz
Vampire Love Dolls
Tokio Hotel
Type O Negative
Bob Girls
Jackie Chan
Ladies' Code
MyName
Super Junior
EXO (music, not news, because it's never good news)
HyunA
The 69 Eyes
I Love Lucy
long road trips
NPR
seashells
books about geishas
Jackass
Kingdom Hearts
old goth music
old punk music
pawn shops
GoodWill
Chuseok
Taco Bell
Lee Gunwoo
Kim Minseok
Kim Namjoon
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The Angry Beavers
The Simpsons
Stewie Griffin
maple nut goodies
popsicles
studying foreign languages
finding rare cds
Mulan
comic book stores
rabbits
cows
Courtney Love
books about the history of punk or metal
taekwondo
learning difficult choreographed dances
jelly beans
Vans
Doc Martens
The Master of Disguise

What makes you happy?

I'm losing all demand, I've broken all my plans

Listening to Hawthorne Heights always fucks with my head. Gets me thinking about things I don't want to.

My background is a picture of me and my adoptive dad. It's my favorite picture, but lately I get sad or mad when I click on my phone and just see that picture. It means that for the nth day in a row, no one has contacted me.

If someone was thrown out of my family, someone I saw almost everyday, someone who was my FUCKING SIBLING *sorry, calming* I would shoot them a text every once in a while, like, maybe at least once a month? Or if I knew my cousin that I was almost sisters with suddenly stopped updating her status and pretty much disappeared off social media altogether, I'd notice and ask what was wrong.

I did a little experiment. I went offline for almost two weeks to see if anyone in my family noticed. I'm a person who updates their status about once a day, so it's pretty consistent. It started off as a week long experiment that stretched into seeing how long it would really be before ANYONE AT ALL noticed I'd gone AWOL. YW messaged me ten days after I disappeared without a warning to anyone.

Yes, the boy who broke my heart and who is currently halfway across the globe and thirteen hours ahead of me is the only one in almost 250 people who noticed I hadn't spoken to anyone and had effectively disappeared. It's pretty sad. I didn't know that's how little I mattered to people. I selfishly thought my little wisecracks and jokes everyday (the majority of my statuses) stuck out to people.

Don't get me wrong, I've tried to contact both my sisters AND my cousins AND others, repeatedly. My phone is filled to the brim with excuses "I've got to grocery shopping those days..." "My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along, I think we need time to ourselves..." "I'm busy all those days..." Nobody even tries to make time to see me, or follows up with what days they're free. I'd make time for them. It seems if I don't give them money or sex, I'm not worth anyone's time. Their boyfriends are their worlds, so much that one afternoon away from them is too damn much it seems. I've even said the boyfriend could come along! I just get another excuse.....if you don't want to spend time with me, just say it. After a while, you just stop trying, because excuses can hurt more than a flat out no. I'd at least respect a no. Nobody I know takes three days to go grocery shopping for a two person household. I mean, if you live with your boyfriend, don't you have a bunch of time to yourselves, just the two of you? Or do I just not understand how those kinds of relationships work?

250 people, not one word. Granted, around 15 of those are people from high school who I don't speak to very much at all and only friended me so they wouldn't get named in the bullying lawsuit that ran through my school that I was called into as a key witness and victim. About 80 are bands or record producers, or promoters that I've worked with in the past or somewhat currently. About 20 are models or speakers I like. So really, only about 135 people that I talk to regularly and include nearly all of my family members ignored my little self-absorbed experiment.

I was hoping someone would have noticed. I read a ton of people's statuses everyday and I send people a message if I don't see them for a couple of days. Maybe I'm sentimental, maybe I don't have a life, maybe I care a bit too much about people and how they feel. Maybe I'm just more observational than most.

Or maybe I really don't stand out as much as I think I do. Maybe it wouldn't matter at all to most if I just did something to myself. Yeah, my family would be shocked at first, but in the long run, would they even remember me? Or just my actions? Would they remember my witty observations, or the fact that I did drugs and went to rehab before I was 19? Would they remember I bake some awesome lemon meringue pie, or the fact I was arrested twice for protesting FOX News? Would they remember how I worked so hard at writing that Rob Zombie himself asked me to interview him, ignoring 21 professional and fully qualified journalists that had actually applied to interview him or the fact that I ended up cracking under my own loneliness and overdosed and killed myself on my own anxiety and depression pills?

I saw a video last night. It was on facebook, it was of an African-American man, long dreadlocks, tattoos on his arms, he looked like someone I could get along with. He talked about how he felt he had to make this video, he felt called to it. He said whoever was watching who wanted to die, he said don't let those thoughts kill you. He said he was praying that that person, or people would stop and live through the night. His name, he said was Trent Shelton. His facebook said he was going to be in my town on August 22. I might go, I don't know, I might not be here then.

Well, I lived through last night. My question is, did anybody but Trent notice or even care?

My phone just rang. I jumped for it, thinking it was someone who noticed my "Would anyone miss me if I disappeared?" status. Nope. Just my weather alert saying there was going to be a flash flood warning until tomorrow morning. This is an awful line, but it's all I can think of: there's a flash flood in my heart because now I can't stop crying.

What Am I To You?

You complain about your chubby stomach
I think you're sexy no matter what

You say your glasses are too big
Your eyes make my heart beat so fast and your glasses magnify them so my heart beats ten times as fast for you

You don't like your big hands
I like how they make me feel safe when you hold my shoulders

You say you're too tall
I like that you have to bend down to back hug me because you're my jolly giant

You say your acne is ugly
I don't see a thing wrong with anything about you

You ask why I want you
You're goddamn right I want you, just exactly the way you are

You're fucking perfect to me, and the "flaws" you talk about are just as perfect in my eyes
Everything about you, I adore

You're so fucking far away, it feels like a constant stomachache
Half a globe is definitely too far - freaking half a room is too far

You say you've never kissed someone
I would do anything to kiss you

You say you'll be back here soon
It kills me that I can't be a part of your "home"

Because wherever you are is my home
And I want to be important to you like you are to me

You ask why what we have isn't enough
Because no one has ever loved me the way I love you

I do have a hidden agenda for being your best friend
I want you any way I can get you

You're so wonderful, I don't know what I'd do without you
You're so kind, selfless, unselfish, I feel like I'm using you almost

I've never loved someone, I didn't believe it existed
But I don't know what else to call this sweet agony

You ask why no girl wants you
I sit here and ask You know I do, I'm right here, I make you so happy, you idiot

Because I'm not attractive in your eyes
And it kills me to know it, to see it in your eyes

There's nothing in this world I want more than your heart, and it's something I won't ever have.

Am I supposed to be grateful?

I always knew my relationship with my father was going to end. One way or another, he was not going to be in my life after a certain point. I had decided, that I was going to pull away from him, and then when I left for Korea for the first time, that was going to be the end. I was going to say goodbye, and it was going to be goodbye for forever. Even though I would be coming back. I was going to take advantage of that moment to get him out once and for all. It was going to be on my terms, and I had come to terms with it, that that was going to be the end of my relationship with my father.

But once again, he decided that it was going to be on his terms and there was no other choice to be had, besides the one he had already decided on.

He decided that his and my mother's fractured and separated marriage was over, even though my mom gave him other options. He took the out she gave him, no matter how narrow and implied it was. He took it and ran with it. He set in motion things that affected all of us, without even caring how hard it was for us. He went for his happiness, even though it devastated me.

And he's always done that. His happiness was always more important than mine was. He wasn't ready to be a father, so he checked out and only came in to say hello every few days. He lived there, with us, but he was gone, doing his own thing, all the time, because that's what he wanted. And what we wanted didn't even begin to cross his mind. He decided that I was my mom's responsibility, because he didn't want me to be his burden. Because that's what I've always been to him. A burden to be shouldered. A problem to be dealt with.

What I wanted never mattered, because it revealed that he had made a mistake, a lot of them, actually. He wasn't aware until it was too late, that I grew up without him. He figured a teenager was easier to be a parent to, because they don't need the constant attention and energy children do. He thought he could come in and everything would be perfect. He was ready to be a father, but neglected to keep up enough with my progress to realize that I had grown to hate him. Checking in to say hello every few days doesn't mean he was there. And he didn't want to be a father to a damaged child, to one who wanted him to take responsibility for his absence, to one who was fully aware of what he'd done, or hadn't done. He wanted to come in and be worshiped like his friends' kids did to them. He wanted the father's day presents of ties and golf balls, he wanted the 'No. 1 Dad' cups and the cute selfies at the racetrack. I wanted that too, but I also wanted him to say he was sorry for leaving me.

I wanted him to realize how painful it was to see my mother toil day after day, night after night, working two jobs to support herself and me; to see her fall asleep at the dinner table mid-sentence after working all day on three hours of sleep because I'd had a nightmare or a stomachache the night before and needed her; to want to tell someone all about my day and my friends and my crush, but have no one but an empty house to come home to; to cook and eat dinner all by myself every night. I wanted him to understand and feel sorry for every moment of pain my mom and I went through, but he didn't. He wanted to waltz in and be the best dad, while still keeping his party life style, but failed to realize that that required work.

I don't know how he doesn't realize that the love comes after the sacrifice. You get the father's days after you sit up with a kid when they've had a nightmare, after you've kissed their scraped knees, wiped their tears after a heartbreak, if he had done even one of those things, or even attempted to do something similar to anything fatherly related, I would have welcomed him with open arms. But he didn't, so I didn't, I wanted an apology for all the times he missed out on and didn't come through on and he refused. I fought with him, demanding an apology, so he began hitting me. He hit me, telling me it was to make me normal, so I would appreciate him, appreciate that he had come back, because he never wanted to. And because I wasn't willing to accept him without an apology, I wasn't worth the time or energy. Once again. He thought it was unfair that I didn't want him anymore, not realizing how unfair he'd already been to me.

He only wants the easy way out. My mom wanted him to work on their issues, so he divorced her. I wanted him to admit he was a deadbeat, so he took off for good.

I knew the time I was going to say goodbye to my father for good. But he decided to take off on his own once again, and didn't include me on his plans until the very end. I was given ten days to get out. And then I was given two choices: I could keep seeing my father every few days for five minutes, and watch him party it up and sleep around, or I could be totally kicked out of my family and never spoken of again. I wasn't bankable, or worth something, or usable in any way anymore, so I had to be removed.

He took so much from me: my innocence, my childhood, my mother's time, and now he had taken the end of our relationship from me. I didn't even get to end it on my terms, and leave him, he left me once again. He stole that from me as well. The unfairness and irony of it all is staggering. I mourn the father I never got to have, the childhood that was stolen from me, the familial happiness I never got to have. I feel like the dad I always wanted and needed has died, and in a way he has. He has died, because my father will never be him, and has never wanted to be him. I say goodbye to him with difficulty, because I've held out hope that he'll show up one day. I mourned him when I decided to leave my father behind for good and now I mourn him even more because his death came so unexpectedly early.

It was, now it isn't

It was the best month of my life.

I had someone who was constantly worried about me. Constantly wondering what I was up to, wondering if I was eating enough, if I was happy, if I needed him. I had someone who needed me too. Who asked me what I thought about his hair, his outfits, who called me when he was scared, or hurt, or worried, or just plain doubting himself. I told him he wasn't fat like he said, that he'd always be attractive to me. I had someone who relied on me.

He made me a better person. He made me do my homework, helped me with it, and told me I wasn't stupid, I was good enough the way I was. All of my grades improved. I wanted to be smart. I wanted to deserve him.

When I was hurting so badly, he offered to take me away, take me with him and his friends on a trip. It happened to be my favorite city too. The ride there, he was all mine, I didn't have to share him with anyone. Three hours of nonstop talking, laughing, cuddling.

We went to Chinatown when we got there, me, him, and three of his friends. We got on the subway. I held his hand, scared of the train. He asked me if I held my other Oppas' hands. I said no. I asked him if it was okay. He asked if I did it because I wanted to be with him. I said yes. I asked if he felt the same. He said no.

No.

After all the times we spent cuddling, telling each other our deepest secrets, after I told him constantly I wanted him, after I said he was my everything, he let me say those things and smiled along, nodding like he agreed. Then he says no.

He said no after taking me three hours from home, where he was the only person I knew, knowing there was a twelve hour day and three hour bus ride home. Only then he says no.

I didn't cry. Not until the bus ride home, when it was dark and he was turned away from me, talking to someone else. I cried, hearing his words and seeing him shake his head. I cried, seeing his friends suddenly look away, at the ground, or above my head, not wanting to meet my eyes. I cried, seeing them finally look up with pity in their eyes.

I could get over him. I've done it before, gave my heart away only to have it thrown back at me. There is a problem.

He kept doing it. Kept cuddling into me. Kept hugging me tight, holding me against his strong body. Kept texting me all day and all night, asking if I was eating enough, what I was up to, if I was doing my homework, if I needed his help with it.

His friend said that's the Malaysian way, to be touchy, and clingy. That he does it with all his friends that are girls. So now not only am I rejected, I'm not even special to him. I'm just another girl friend to him. Not a girlfriend. A girl friend.

They also expressed confusion, saying that my skin color, eye color, and hair color are all his ideal types, so why did he reject me if I was his ideal type? How the fuck should I know? Maybe it's just me. I'm not the 'right' kind of his ideal girl.

We continue to have lunch together, just me and him. He still carries my bag, holds my hand, texts me constantly. Sometimes I answer. Sometimes I don't. He gets frustrated with my lack of enthusiasm and responses.

So now he's leaving, back to Malaysia for three months. He promises to text me every day, and that he won't forget me. What is the difference between him being an hour away versus half a world away? He's still unreachable in his heart. Why doesn't he love me? Every day with him is a fresh hell, being so close to and going through the motions of what I so desperately want, yet I can't have.

It was the best month of my life.

whY Won't you Care?

Eew, I'm Taylor-Swifting, someone stop me.

You couldn’t keep your eyes on me

What was it that changed your mind?

Was it my Mona Lisa smile that didn’t quite cover my sad eyes?

Was it my mixed accent that hinted I’ve run from someplace more than once?

Or was it my need that shone across my face?

You say you got in too deep, it wasn’t supposed to go this far

Well, what did you expect when you looked at me like that?

When you called me all hours of the night, every night,

Saying I was the only one you could tell?

When we got so comfortable, we could read each other like a book with just one glance?

I don’t need you to make up for their mistakes

I needed you to catch me when you made me fall for you

I’m not just my past

And I thought you were my future

But I thought wrong, and now I’m alone again

Even your rejection was perfect

I didn’t know a heart shattering could sound so sweet

Just because the shot came from your lovely lips

The lips I wanted to claim as mine and only mine

The eyes I wanted to stare into forever

The body I wanted to explore like my favorite book

Over and over again, every night, all night long

I couldn’t find anything wrong with any part of you

I guess that should have been my first clue

Someone as damaged as me could never satisfy a being so wonderful

You had the love to fix all my cracks and broken pieces

You just wanted to give it to someone else

You’ll always be my favorite mistake

And I’ll always be your favorite little charity case

WrestleMania 31 review *RESULTS REVEALED MAJOR SPOILERS*

It's the best night of the year! WrestleMania time! I love everything about WrestleMania. I like the slow buildup, I like the more intense the shows get the closer it is to the event, I like new stars who come alive because of it, I like the whole WrestleMania season.

My first WrestleMania was WrestleMania 24, so I've been watching it a fair few years. I watched WWE as a kid, but was too poor to get any pay-per-views. I stopped watching it around 2003 and didn't start again until the last half of 2007.

I didn't get to see any of the preshow because I was at work, but I caught every match of WrestleMania once it officially got under way. I'll watch the preshow on the WWE Network tomorrow when I get out of class.

Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Title:
This was such a great match! The high spots were awesome, and literally no one looked bad. Everyone involved got a pop in some way or another, because literally everyone did a big move. Wade Barrett looked amazing, like where has that body been? Have I just not been paying attention to his abs lately or what? Dean Ambrose and Luke Harper throwing ladders at each other was pretty funny, with Dean's deadpan face when the ladder missed him was hilarious as it looked like he was lost on whether he was supposed to have taken the shot or not. Stardust's glittery ladder was really cool too, MUCH cooler than Big Show's special reinforced ladder from a few years back. I was upset that it's sequins got destroyed Dean Ambrose like a minute after it was put to good use. Dolph Ziggler proved why he is honestly the best in the midcard yet again and why whomever is burying him is an absolute moron. There was a bit where someone would jump over the ropes onto three guys, then someone else did it, then someone ELSE did it, with everyone standing up to catch the next guy after each time, which dampened the impacts a bit. And, everyone knew going in that Daniel Bryan was going to win, because if he lost, there would have been a fucking riot. So, that was like, kind of anticlimactic, but still cool, because Daniel Bryan is awesome. Other than that, great, fantastic match.

Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins:
So, I'm guessing the first thing everyone thought when Seth Rollins came out was, 'Haha, we all saw you naked!' Because that's what came to my mind. The fact that he's a cheating dickbag makes me not like him as a person, but I still like the Seth Rollins character. He's annoying, and scummy, but he's a fantastic wrestler and pulls out great matches out of everyone he works with. Randy Orton does this as well, so any match with the two of them, you just know is going to be great. AND IT WAS. AAH it was so good! Every time Seth left his feet, it was a WrestleMania moment in itself. That ending!!! How did Randy Orton push him up in the air with just his shoulder?! I love it whenever Randy turns any flying move into an RKO and it's just majestic each and every time.

It really bothers me that valuable time is taken up by a music performance. I watch wrestling to see wrestling, not some shitty, hipster rapper singing an abridged version of his/her autotuned, whiny deuce of a song. We could have seen the tag team championship match instead of that!

Triple H vs Sting:
I was looking forward to this match the most, and it did not disappoint. Triple H's Terminator entrance was AWESOME, despite it only being a plug for the new installment. Sting's entrance was understated and showed how he doesn't need a big, huge, fancy entrance to prove that he's here to impress. He just impresses on his own. Let's get this out of the way: I'm a HUGE Sting fan, because The Crow has been my favorite movie my whole life and my mom told me as a joke when I was little that Eric Draven and Sting were the same person and I believed her for years. So, yes, part of me still pretends it's Eric Draven running around in the ring.
Triple H is getting that pinchy, old man looking stomach and it's really kind of funny to see him sucking it in when he poses. Age gracefully, Hunter, we all do it! I liked how he used 'The Game' entrance instead of 'King of Kings' because I love it when he drops his authority role for a night and is just a wrestler again. I don't like Triple H the COO character, I like Triple H the wrestler character.
I love WCW, DX, and nWo, so this match was my cup of tea all over.
When DX came out, I was so happy, even though I wanted Sting to win the whole time. Billy Gunn is in phenomenal shape and should come back to the ring, seriously. Come home Billy! Come home Mr. Ass! (Still hilarious). X-Pac and Road Dogg are still in good shape to do run ins every now and again. Road Dogg could probably honestly come back part time as well, but he gets winded easily, you can tell.
nWo!!!!! This. Was. Awesome!!! The only thing that dampened the standoff between DX and nWo is the knowledge of how Nash and Hall are still besties with Shawn Michaels and Triple H in real life. If you suspended that belief, it was the coolest thing ever! Also, how the hell did Scott Hall take that bump without dying or breaking in half? I screamed; I was so worried, but he just popped back up and handed Sting that baseball bat like no problem! Sting broke the sledgehammer! It just broke in half!! Like, SNAP! BOOM, it was GONE! Was it a botch that Triple H just sat in the Scorpion Deathlock for like three minutes while the camera wasn't even on him? It was on DX and nWo brawling, but it was just weird that Sting and Triple H weren't doing very much. Like, that's a finisher, why would the camera not be filming that?
Shawn Michaels running in was a great spot, because not everyone expected him to show up. I really thought that the match was over right then and there.
It broke my heart that Sting lost. Why did Triple H do that? Why couldn't he just give Sting his WrestleMania moment? Are he and Vince THAT obsessed with WCW that they just wanted to demolish anything and everything ever related to it that wasn't already under their control? Irritating! Sting should have won!

AJ Lee & Paige vs The Bella Twins:
I love AJ Lee so much! She's tiny, and weird, and quirky, and a nerd and I feel a real connection with her character, alright? Paige, on the other hand, irritates me. She reminds me of those loud, screechy teenage girls who think Ronnie Radke is SOO HAWT, listen to shitty metalcore, and loiter around Hot Topic after school. I appreciate The Bella Twins in that they have actually improved as wrestlers, even though they did pretty much get hired because they're twins and they're pretty. The match was pretty good, for a Divas match in this day and age. There were even some serious bumps! When Paige flipped off of the shoulder, it was more of a gentle, sort of flop, but it was still better than the average Divas match on RAW! When she threw Brie into the steps, that was impressive, because you never see the women really out and out fight anymore, you know? It's like, oh, slap you, pull your hair, let's fight like little bitches. Any match that isn't Paige, AJ, Naomi, or Natalya is kind of boring (NXT not counting). If AJ and Paige hadn't won this match, it would have been a fucking travesty.

John Cena vs Rusev:
Tell me, did anyone honestly think Rusev was going to win this match? They built him up so insanely high and he's an awesome character that's red hot right now, and I'd like it if he still ran rampant through the roster after this, but REALLY, did ANYONE think John Cena was going home empty handed? It's so refreshing to see John Cena in a midcard match. Honestly, if I see him wrestle Randy Orton one on one, I'm going to put my foot through the TV. It would have been more refreshing to see him put over a younger talent on the biggest stage of them all. But since this is WWE and it's always 'LOL, Cena wins', of course Rusev was going to lose. But, if he had to lose, WrestleMania isn't a bad place to do it. It was a solid match; I would have liked to see a more dominant Rusev, but it was an entertaining match.

The Undertaker vs Bray Wyatt:
What the fuck happened with the buildup to this match? It felt thrown together, despite everyone knowing Bray was going to wrestle Undertaker at WrestleMania for like two years. There wasn't even anything riding on it, it felt. Don't get me wrong, Bray's promos have been amazing the past few weeks, but there little to nothing from The Undertaker, and it didn't feel like a feud at all. Just a one off pay-per-view feud, really. It was a great match, though. It really freaking sucks that Undertaker only wrestles once a year now. You'd think if he had one match a year, they could build it up properly and actually make people care about it. What the hell does he DO all year that he can't even make an appearance or two just to make sure his character is still built up and going strong? Seeing Bray do the upside down spider walk and then get interrupted by the dead man rising was COOL AF. It was obvious that the end was rushed, like someone radioed the ref to wrap it up really abruptly. This was another one that would have been a travesty if the obvious one hadn't won. I still believe that the streak should never have been broken; it's 23-0 to me!

Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns:
Why do people boo Roman? He's a great athlete, good looking, puts on a solid match each time, oh wait, he isn't Daniel Bryan so all you fucking psychopaths shit your pants that someone else DARED to try to make his name in the big leagues. Yes, Daniel Bryan gets shafted a lot, but he isn't the only one whose allowed to put his name in the main event cap to be the next big thing. The people booing Roman are probably the same morons who chant 'CM Punk' at AJ Lee like you're really doing anything besides making an ass of yourself.
Brock Lesnar wiped the ring with Roman; why? Roman was built up like he was on the cusp of actually being able to beat Lesnar and then it was just, lol, NO! It sucked and felt like they were burying him by making him look weak. Then, just as he was getting some steam, fucking Seth Rollins came out and punched a huge hole in it the fucking match, like no one saw that coming. It was a nice change of pace that he joined the match and actually put some effort toward it, rather than just waiting for the match to end and running in and stealing it. I HATE when Money in the Bank holders do that. It's so cheap and it always leaves a bad taste in my mouth when it happens.

The match endings were a bit obvious in all of them, almost, but WrestleMania 31 was a good step up from some shoddy ass pay-per-views, bookings, and WrestleManias over the past few years.

Chamabolkkeyo - You aren't coming back

How do you find the sound to being abandoned? I thought I would have found it by now, but I haven't.
Is it in death metal?
Is it hidden in angsty Korean pop songs?
Is it found in the lyrics of any song known to man?
I just know I can't find any music that fits my hurt, and I always have before. I guess it's because this time, I know for a fact you aren't coming back. There won't be another day to try again, to see if when you wake up, I'm finally good enough for you to say hello to. There won't be any more trying, any more hitting, any more screaming, any more hiding. How do I miss what I never had? I have a hole in my heart named father, but you weren't that, so why does it hurt so much now?
I want so desperately to just simply hate you. But it's not that easy. You held on just enough so you could abuse me, and ruin my chance at ever having a normal life before you disappeared. I will never get any answers to my questions. Am I just supposed to yell at an empty seat that represents you, because I know you will never answer any of my calls?
I feel you when I cry, I feel you when I try to talk to someone I like, I hear your voice, you will never be good enough, because all you do is cause pain. If I caused pain just by being born, then why should I even try now to have happiness?
What is happiness that isn't laced with the realization that it won't last long and it will be a long time before I feel it again? What is long term happiness? What does it feel like to have someone stick around for more than a few months? What even is love that isn't used as a weapon?
I have lost my way. And I'm having trouble seeing a way out. No one I know has gone through this, so I have no frame of reference as to when this unendurable pain will go away. When will it disappear, like you did? Will it hand me my things and tell me it tried, like you did?
I keep listening to songs, trying to find the sound that will ease it, understand my hurt.
You were supposed to let me stay. I was promised a room, my room, the one I've lived in my whole life. It was an empty promise, like everything you've ever said to me. I want to hear the truth from you, just once. Anything, even if it's just, 'the sky is blue'. But I can't reach you, because you don't want me to. Just stop lying to me just once, and I'll be happy. I'll leave you alone.
I understand that I wasn't good enough for you. I wasn't a good enough daughter. I fought too much, I wanted too much from you. You weren't made to be a father.
All I ever wanted was to be loved by you. And if not, then pretend. Pretend that everything was okay, just so I could pretend for a while that we were okay, that we had dinner together like every other family, that we went to church on Sundays like everyone else, that you came home every night, that you hugged me, that you said 'I love you' before leaving for work. Those are good lies. Just for one second.
My whole life has been temporary. I've had no place, no house, no one, nothing in which to place roots. I have no roots, so what's stopping me from being knocked down? Those families that watched over me, it was always temporary. When they got a new dog, or had a baby, it was time for me to go, to move on, to be someone else's burden.
Do you know how many hours I spent waiting for you? I waited for you to come get me and take me home and see me, and smile, like you were happy to see me. You'd gather me up in a big hug and kiss me on the forehead. We'd eat together and talk about our days and laugh and make jokes.
You never did that. You never noticed me or even cared that I was there. I was always there, waiting for you. But you're never going to do that. You're never going to do any of that, or wake up and magically be someone who doesn't hate me. You never came for me. You will never love me like I loved you. You broke my heart rather than try, because it was easier, because you didn't have to try.

Neukkim Anikka - I've Been Where You Want To Be

I feel like I haven't done a fun post in forever. Whatever, here's one.
I'm a music journalist. I've been heavily involved with the music industry since December of 2009. Name a band, I've seen them in concert most likely. I can't list everyone I've ever seen live, because it would take me days. Bands I've interviewed that are widely known include:
Rob Zombie
Motionless In White
Mastodon
Escape the Fate
Five Finger Death Punch
Children of Bodom
The Casualties
Job For a Cowboy
Butcher Babies
Piggy D
Shinedown
Hollywood Undead
Huntress
Suicidal Tendencies

There's more, but my tired brain can't remember now. I've worked for WWE and covered every major American hard rock festival that isn't band specific (IE Knotfest, Ozzfest, etc). Except Warped Tour, because 1) it fucking sucks and 2) it's easier to get into than a girl's legs at a Hollywood Undead or Escape the Fate after party.

I've learned a lot when it comes to interviewing musicians. Most of it is hilarious.
If you talk to a certain Scandinavian musician and you don't tell him you speak his native language until you answer the phone in it, he will squeal like a schoolgirl even though he's in a death metal band and nearing forty.

Five Finger Death Punch's Chris likes to be complimented on his beard, and will immediately be relaxed and open to answer anything once you do.

Marilyn Manson likes to stare at girls until they shiver, and he'll do anything to make them fall for him, just to make himself laugh.

Piggy D remembers people who have interviewed him more than once and will greet them like an old friend.

Rob Zombie likes to test interviewers and if they pass his test, he'll talk for hours. If they don't, he'll be really disappointed and try to wrap it up as fast as possible.

He also goes through life thinking philosophically about the tiniest things. He likes to help charities and gets emotional talking about them.

Motionless In White's Josh and Ghost will hug you if you're a fan of theirs and playfully make fun of you for wearing a MIW shirt to the interview (even though it WAS at their concert, for Pete's sake! What was I supposed to wear?!)

They will also debunk any image you have of MIW being cool, super goth, or scary, within ten seconds of talking to them, as they are huge dorks.

Attika 7's Rusty is a perverted old man who sexually harasses young females and hits on them even when he knows they're underage.

Motionless In White's Ryan will come to the rescue of a girl being victimized by Rusty and make sure she's okay.

The Casualties are probably the nicest, coolest, most laid back people you'll ever meet, and will make you feel like you're talking to your best friends.

Boys Like Girls' frontman Martin is a total douche who thinks he's much more important and good looking than he actually is and is in dire need of being notified it's not 2007 and he is in fact a hasbeen and/or a neverwas.

Black Veil Brides' Andy whatever-the-fuck-his-last-name-is-currently is the worst person on the planet.

All American Rejects' Ty is a lunatic and absolutely hilarious and changes topic at the speed of light, giving off the impression that he himself is on speed, even though he isn't.

Foxy Shazam is an entire band of Tys and will exhaust you within a twenty minute span as none of them can sit still for five seconds and give you the impression that they are all playing a joke on you and will never tell you the punchline.

Escape the Fate's Robert loves to laugh and is so relaxed he'd probably be cool if you ran him over with a semi.

Chris Jericho is incredibly laid back and so humble as to blush when you say you miss seeing him every Monday night. He will talk your ear off about anything and everything.

Shinedown will make you feel like the most important person in the world. They'll make you their world for the time you spend with them.

Barry and Eric are huge huggers and will compliment everyone they meet.

Zach is a sucker for puppydog eyes and will do anything to see his fans smile.

If you tell Brent what an impact his music has made on you, he'll make you pinkyswear to never hurt yourself again, and he'll sing your favorite song of his to you if it's one he didn't perform that night.

I love my job. It's hard and it sucks a lot of the time and you want to beat the crap out of some musicians because they're pompous windbags who love to hear themselves speak, but it's the best job in the world.

An Open Letter To A Dead Beat

I clap with every word I say when I'm mad. Does anyone else do this or am I insane? I always say, if I'm clapping, I'm not slapping, so consider yourselves lucky, MMMMMMkay?

How do you just let someone that's a part of you just walk out of your life. Especially someone that's a part of you, like your child. Like, that person is LITERALLY a part of you that's walking, talking, breathing, and living and you can just go days without thinking about them, or even caring.



WHY? That's honestly the biggest question. Why was I never good enough? Why was I just this hanger on in your life until suddenly you decided to get rid of me for good? I don't know where to go from here because this just fucked me up so bad, like congratulations, you got me! I'm over here feeling like I just got run over by a tank truck and I have for the past few years, since you fucking disappeared and said I was to never come back. Bitch, that is my fucking home. I lived there, I grew up there, I played there, I cried there, I loved there, I hated there, that is my mother fucking home. You're barely there and yet you have the right to throw me out like I never mattered at all? Mother fucker YOUR home is the bar a few blocks away, let's be honest.

You say you weren't and aren't ready to be a father.

Bitch, did I ask to be conceived? NO, so that is a jank ass excuse. You have had twenty years to get your shit together, and you still can't?! That is not on me, that is all on you. It is not my fault your entire life has been one shitty failure after the other, I mean, the LEAST you could do is not fuck up your kids while you're at it. But no, you had to not learn from ANY of the MANY mistakes you've made over the course of your life and basically turn my life into an exact copy of your.

Flighty and verbally abusive parent who finally disappears one day without a warning? Check.

Single remaining parent works all hours and is gone so much you basically live alone from preteen years onward? Check.

 Violent older sibling who nearly kills you and then suddenly up and leaves to only contact you sporadically from then on? Check.

The only difference is, I'm doing shit with my life that will break this cycle of abuse. I'm great at what I do and I constantly strive to get better and to improve on what I've already learned. You never finished high school and so are content to stay in your dead end job, with your dead end girlfriend, with your dead end broken down house, with your dead end everything. You will stay miserable because you fear what you don't understand and would rather stay with the devil you know rather than take the chance to see what other options you've got.

Except now, you don't have any, do you? You're going to die miserable and alone, knowing you were a failure from beginning to end, not having taken any chances that would have potentially made you a better person and given you a better life. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being and I'm glad I no longer am your child.

Shadism

http://thinkingaboutoppa.tumblr.com/post/95197475555/punk-zitao-x

THIS. MAKES. ME. SO. MAD. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Okay, okay, first of all, Kai is so much more attractive in his REAL skin tone than he is in all the photos and videos where they bleached him. AND they do this to Tao as well. THEY EVEN LIGHTENED KAI'S FUCKING EYES. WHAT THE HELL?!




Homeboy is dark, don't give me any baloney about the lighting being brighter in one, I chose two well lit photos where neither is on stage, and one is a selfie so you can see how beautiful his skin is and how Tao doesn't lighten his own pictures.

Everyone should be mad about this, because if you approve of this then you're a terrible person, plain and simple. There's the door, I will hold it open for you. Pale skin does not equal beauty. You could be pale and be ugly as fuck to some people, ain't no amount of skin bleach or lightening makeup can change that. But there's also beauty in everyone, so what's ugly to me is beautiful to someone else (note I say IS beautiful, not MAY BE beautiful because someone will always be somebody else's idea of beautiful).

Grand Master is from an island off the more Southern coast of Korea, and so has dark skin. He is very handsome and distinguished and if you don't think so then you can join the shadist assfaces that left earlier because that door is still open, sucka. I cannot tell you how many times people have said, sometimes TO HIS FACE, "Oh! Your dad's so dark! I wasn't expecting that when you said he was Asian!" Really? Really? You think EVERY SINGLE Asian has pale skin? Not even every white person has pale skin AND WE'RE LITERALLY CALLED WHITE. Do you go up to light skinned black people and ask them why they aren't actually 'black' like straight up the color black?

And there's this too:
http://thinkingaboutoppa.tumblr.com/post/93843669135/fantasyhachi-members-who-have-the-best-skin-in
Their own freaking member straight up says they're wrong for being dark. Luhan, you broke my freaking heart when I saw this. So my Umma, Appa, brother, and cousin aren't beautiful because they have dark skin? You aren't just saying this to Asian people. You're saying this to your other fans who are dark skinned black, Latino, Italian, Armenian, Middle Eastern, Pacific Islander, Caribbean, and everyone else who basically is darker than you. Can I tell you your skin is too dark because I'm paler than you? YOU'RE WRONG. Suddenly, I miss you a little less. Look at Kris, trying to be the good leader and stave off an argument and also to not alienate their fanbase.

Shadism is just as bad. wrong, and prevalent as racism, only it's more accepted. Why? What makes someone so much better looking if they're paler? In America, it's the opposite. The paler you are, the less attractive you're considered. In America and Great Britain there's commercials for bronzer and tanning beds out the wazoo because here, you're prettier if you have darker skin.

EVERY RACE HAS SHADISM AND EVERY INSTANCE IS WRONG. YOUR SKIN IS WHO YOU ARE AND IT IS PERFECT THE WAY IT IS.

I'm falling all over myself. Trying to be someone else.

My sister, while she's spoiled, selfish, self-entered, and almost certainly a sociopath, is still my sister. She's the eldest daughter, and our shared birth father has doted on her since birth. His first son was taken away from him by the boy's mother. [Note; there's six total kids (that we know of) and there's four mothers.] Don't feel totally sorry for him, he had a choice; be arrested or disappear and never talk to the boy. He took the coward's way out and disappeared.

Since he lost his son, he's had a fierce love for my sister. A love I hated, was jealous of, and tried to sabotage many times over my life. How he loves her, he resents me. I don't know why, I only know he does, because he's told me.

Recently, this boy-man, now, really-has sought out his father. He found him, and they've reconnected. I've gotten texts telling me how wonderful J is, how I'd love him if I met him, how his kid is so cute and wonderful too. A (our birth father) keeps a running commentary about him to me, even though I haven't spoken to A in a year, since he told me he didn't want me.

I met the other brother that just showed up. His name is C, and he's in his mid-twenties, nice guy, actually. He's also an alcoholic and recklessly impulsive. His mother is A's girlfriend (yeah, that whole family is a fucking Jerry Springer week special). I told him over skype I wasn't ready to meet him in person, and this pabo showed up at my work a week later, because he couldn't "wait to be a big brother". It sounds sweet, but honestly, I didn't ask for a big brother. I barely get along with my oldest sister, and that's only because I've figured out how to be around her without wanting to kill her, ie, ignoring all of the racist, moronic garbage that comes out every four sentences.

I'm happy with my other family. Grand Master, Ahjumma, Master K, Master H, Captain N, my mom, that's my family. I've all but severed ties with anyone associated with A, and I'm better for it, really. I have a father. A father who actually wants me around. A father who listens when I'm speaking and doesn't tell me I'm stupid or that there's so much wrong with me that it's no wonder I have trouble talking to people. A father who makes me feel loved and wanted. A father who doesn't hit me.

My sister is having her birthday party tomorrow. She's invited me, and insisted on driving me there (which is, in itself a HUGE red flag). J will be there and knowing my sister, she'll make some big speech about how we siblings should connect as a family and how isn't she the most wonderful for bringing the youngest and oldest siblings together finally? Because I'm the holdout. C, J, and both my older sisters had Thanksgiving, Sunday dinnners, and Christmas all together. As a big family. I was told about these things.

But this man stole from my mother, verbally abused her, emotionally abused her, physically and verbally abused me, told me he wished I was never born, that I was the reason he was never happy, that I needed to leave his house and his life because I was so negative in that I wouldn't forget the past that he couldn't have me in either one. He came in and told my other with no warning that his girlfriend (C's mom) was moving in and me and her had ten days to move out. Why would I ever want to see or talk to that person again? And, yet, I am the bad guy. You see, because A's changed. He's a great father now. He's changed so much for the better.

I won't believe it. Because he hasn't. And he never will. He still refuses to admit he did any wrong to me. I have put years of abuse behind me and I'm not interested in having him dick me around so he can say he's in contact with all of his children. [For those of you keeping count, there's five of us around. The sixth is my sister, Victoria. She died. She still counts. She's the sixth one.] If he and the rest of them want to live a lie, then that's fine, but I'm not going to be a part of it. I'll see my sisters on holidays and birthdays. I don't have any bad feelings towards either of them. I love them, and I do wish they could see how conniving and manipulative A is, so they could leave him and find real happiness as well.

I don't want to meet J tomorrow. I'm sure he's really great, but I don't want to meet him. He knew about A so why did he let him just show up to the party almost thirty years late? He has a nice step dad and a nice half brother, why did he need A? Is he stupid or just naive? He's the only other one that A has completely abandoned. My mom says we'd probably get along. I don't know the exact reasons why I don't want to meet him, all I know is that I really really don't.

I'm scared. I'm scared A is going to pull me back in. He spies on me already. I haven't talked to him in a year, yet he knows exactly what goes on in my life. Part of it is my sister telling him (another reason I don't exactly always get along with her). He has me followed. I won't willingly go back to him, but it feels like he'll always know where I am, because he's a sick, sick man who threw me out but wants me on the edges of his life so he can have a scapegoat for his failures (there's a lot), for his addictions, for his anger, for his depression, for his unhappiness, and so he can smack someone around when it gets to be too overwhelming. I'm the only one he ever hit. Why? I'm the youngest, he should have protected me.

But that's neither here, nor there.

Why, Tokio Hotel? Just....why?

Tokio Hotel, oh my goodness, honestly, I was contemplating even writing this post because I knew one blog post could not hold in my love for them. Trust that it's a lot. It's more than a lot, actually, it's astronomical, it's.....it's just a huge amount.

For ten years, I have been a Tokio Hotel fan. Yes, I got bullied because I liked them and they looked 'girly' or 'weird' (TRY BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING). Blah, blah, blah, most Americans just don't understand them, okay? Anyway, my point is is that at one point, if any of the boys had asked me to rip out my own heart and hand it to them, I would have, blindly, and happily, thanking them the entire time.

I'm a (mostly) reasonable adult now, and I do accept change. No, this isn't going to be one of those fangirl hissyfits because one of them cut his hair or anything. I love their look, I love that they completely change their look every few months. That's life, that's art, that's called being an artist and a creator. If you ask them not to change, you're asking them to stop being themselves. Hold up your copy of Schrei (or Scream if you got into them late and/or don't speak German). Okay, now hold it up to your copy of "Humanoid." Do those cds sound alike at all? BE HONEST. No, one is a natural progression of the other, showing growth, maturation and change.

Five years. Five years is how long I and many others have waited for a Tokio Hotel comeback. I understood that there was hardly any news from camp Tokio. I understood that the boys needed a break to live life and follow their paths. I understood that their sound would be radically different upon returning, since there was such a large gap between releases. So, tell me, just what the hell Kings of Suburbia is. Besides a disappointing mess that frankly just made my heart hurt. I can understand what direction they had in mind. I don't mind the electronic, I knew that they were going for a more electronic heavy sound. But why was there so much?

The vocals are all over the damn place, to the point where at times it's hard to see that this is in fact Bill Kaulitz singing. A few songs I looked to see who was featured because it didn't sound a thing even close to him, and was surprised to see that it was still fucking Bill! I can't hear Tom Kaulitz's signature guitar tone at all, it's been buried under synths. (I honestly almost typed 'Tomi' instead of 'Tom'. As in, the affectionate nickname I've called him for ten years, starting when I was nine and desperately in love with him. God, that's deeply programmed). And, Gorg Listing and Gustav Schafer's bass and drums have all but been replaced by machines that do not even begin to live up to their skills respectively. The only song that even barely smacks of real Tokio Hotel is "Run Run Run." Basically, this whole album is a letdown garnished with a giant scoop of 'What the fuck?'. I want my five years of breathless anticipation back.

Now, this is where I get totally despaired because it's, it's just so....so wrong. Tokio Hotel stood for being different, for being meaningful, for being yourself no matter what. Their video for "Girl Got a Gun is basically everything that is wrong with their new sound (I can't even bring myself to call it new Tokio Hotel, because simply, it's NOT). I liked the colorful people. They reminded me of My Chemical Romance (my absolute favorite people on this entire planet and universe and anywhere and everywhere else in the galaxy)'s video for "Na NaNaNa NaNaNaNa NaNaNaNaNa". I liked the outrageous outfits and the crazy hair and even the bare, most basic plotline. I did not like the eating of blurred out phallic items. I did not like the masturbating furry. I did not like the blurred out grotesque penis on the furry. I did not like the bouncing ping pong balls that represented ejaculation.

Their video for "Love Who Loves You Back,"? Terrible also. I'm all for the LGBTIQA support, I love it. I liked the fact that they had same sex couples in the video. I think they need more representation in modern music. I do not like the all out orgy that makes up the majority of the video. It's a common trapping artists from other countries make. It's a well known fact that sex sells. It's obvious. You do not need to out-sex and out-shock literally everyone else in the business WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE A VERY SIZABLE FANBASE IN AMERICA! They already do! The only fanbase larger is their German one! You don't need to grab us, you've already got us! They gave in to the American popular society, completely forgetting that their fanbase is in the alternative and Goth inclined. Were we not good enough now that the boys are all grown up? Do they just want the nascent and shallow electronic and club crowds? Is that all they are now, a repetitive and hollow electronic and dubstep group?

Where is the band that held my hand and said it would be all right? Where is the group that took me away from all of the hurt and gave me a world all about happiness and freedom? Where is the band that championed against bullying and fought for kids to be accepted exactly as they are? Where is the band I learned German for? You think I'm kidding? Tokio Hotel ist alles für mich! Ich liebe sie, und sie brach mein herz!

I'm an angry punk........but the 5 year old in me won't let go of the Backstreet Boys

I'm not joking when I refer to myself as a punk historian. You want to hear the history of punk? Pull up and chair and pick an area of the US or a European country to start with because you're about to get learned, son. I did a research paper on just the New York and England scenes from 1970-1979 and was finished in three days. It was 35 pages long. Single spaced.

I know every subgenre from Oi! to Brazilian melodic to early-nineties-LA-bubblegum-glitter-glam. I got friends spanning from Al B Damned to Texas Drag Queen Massacre to Ionia to The Casualties down to the local punks around here in Bleach Drinker. I've read so many books on punk that I had to buy a separate bookshelf just for them and it ended up collapsing under it's own weight. When I was being interviewed for my first internship at 16 and was asked about my experience in the field, I had none so I talked for an hour about the impact of the Sex Pistols on modern music in general. That's how I got hired over college grads. Safe to say, I know my shit.

I also have an undying love for boy bands. Say what you will, I promise I give a shit. Not really. It started when I was 5. I had been listening happily to Marilyn Manson and Slipknot for around a year (my mother used to be an Aerosmith, White Snake, Def Leppard and Motley Crue groupie (unsuccessfully, thank god)). Then "It's Gotta Be You," was heard blaring from the TV where my eight year old half sister sat staring dreamily at these five baggy pants and tank tops wearing, hip thrusting young men. Their lack of makeup and masks did confuse me, as did the missing of screaming and curse words, but their voices were so melodic and, well frankly, pretty. I was hooked. Now my days consisted of badgering my mother to make me mix tapes of Millennium and Anti-Christ Superstar so I could listen to my favorite guys on the way to school.

Despite a brief obsession with *NSYNC, which faded away with the announcement of their "hiatus", the Backstreet Boys continued to be my guilty pleasure. Yup, I supported them through Kevin's departure, their unspeakably rapid decline in popularity, the lost sounding Unbreakable album , the dance hall heavy This Is Us, Kevin's blessed return, everything, okay? I even got beat up when I was ten because I refused to refer to them as the "Back Door Boys".

Oh, turning twelve. Emo was happening and I was on the boat to skulls and studs island. My Chemical Romance became my lords and saviors and everything I owned suddenly turned red and black. I pruned my closet of anything brighter than a dull grey (blood red not counting of course), and boxed up my precious boy band tapes in fear that someone would find them and declare me *gasp* a poseur. But late at night, when my panda eyes had been rubbed off and my fake piercings had been removed, you could find me curled up under my (black) comforter, listening to "Let me tell you about the call that changed my des-ti-nay-ay......"

Over half a decade later, and I still love My Chemical Romance and Slipknot are still the greatest band in the history of the universe in my opinion, and my nickname is still Joey after I wouldn't shut up about the Ramones for a solid year, and my bedclothes are still black (which makes finding my black phone in them at night fun), and I STILL LOVE BSB. These boys (men, really, they could be my dad if I'm being honest) still have a special place in my heart. I have every album (including the rare European version of their debut album). I have the singles, the magazines (with hearts around Brian, who was destined to be my husband in my mind, and who is still my favorite member), the hoodies, the posters, the key chains, every embarrassing merch item my preteen hands could grab. I made a fan art that had all of their singles wound into the picture for their twentieth anniversary. Judge me if you want, I'll be over here listening to "Bay-bay, it's the way ya make me, kinda get me go cra-zay, never wanna stop!"