Listening to Hawthorne Heights always fucks with my head. Gets me thinking about things I don't want to.
My background is a picture of me and my adoptive dad. It's my favorite picture, but lately I get sad or mad when I click on my phone and just see that picture. It means that for the nth day in a row, no one has contacted me.
If someone was thrown out of my family, someone I saw almost everyday, someone who was my FUCKING SIBLING *sorry, calming* I would shoot them a text every once in a while, like, maybe at least once a month? Or if I knew my cousin that I was almost sisters with suddenly stopped updating her status and pretty much disappeared off social media altogether, I'd notice and ask what was wrong.
I did a little experiment. I went offline for almost two weeks to see if anyone in my family noticed. I'm a person who updates their status about once a day, so it's pretty consistent. It started off as a week long experiment that stretched into seeing how long it would really be before ANYONE AT ALL noticed I'd gone AWOL. YW messaged me ten days after I disappeared without a warning to anyone.
Yes, the boy who broke my heart and who is currently halfway across the globe and thirteen hours ahead of me is the only one in almost 250 people who noticed I hadn't spoken to anyone and had effectively disappeared. It's pretty sad. I didn't know that's how little I mattered to people. I selfishly thought my little wisecracks and jokes everyday (the majority of my statuses) stuck out to people.
Don't get me wrong, I've tried to contact both my sisters AND my cousins AND others, repeatedly. My phone is filled to the brim with excuses "I've got to grocery shopping those days..." "My boyfriend and I haven't been getting along, I think we need time to ourselves..." "I'm busy all those days..." Nobody even tries to make time to see me, or follows up with what days they're free. I'd make time for them. It seems if I don't give them money or sex, I'm not worth anyone's time. Their boyfriends are their worlds, so much that one afternoon away from them is too damn much it seems. I've even said the boyfriend could come along! I just get another excuse.....if you don't want to spend time with me, just say it. After a while, you just stop trying, because excuses can hurt more than a flat out no. I'd at least respect a no. Nobody I know takes three days to go grocery shopping for a two person household. I mean, if you live with your boyfriend, don't you have a bunch of time to yourselves, just the two of you? Or do I just not understand how those kinds of relationships work?
250 people, not one word. Granted, around 15 of those are people from high school who I don't speak to very much at all and only friended me so they wouldn't get named in the bullying lawsuit that ran through my school that I was called into as a key witness and victim. About 80 are bands or record producers, or promoters that I've worked with in the past or somewhat currently. About 20 are models or speakers I like. So really, only about 135 people that I talk to regularly and include nearly all of my family members ignored my little self-absorbed experiment.
I was hoping someone would have noticed. I read a ton of people's statuses everyday and I send people a message if I don't see them for a couple of days. Maybe I'm sentimental, maybe I don't have a life, maybe I care a bit too much about people and how they feel. Maybe I'm just more observational than most.
Or maybe I really don't stand out as much as I think I do. Maybe it wouldn't matter at all to most if I just did something to myself. Yeah, my family would be shocked at first, but in the long run, would they even remember me? Or just my actions? Would they remember my witty observations, or the fact that I did drugs and went to rehab before I was 19? Would they remember I bake some awesome lemon meringue pie, or the fact I was arrested twice for protesting FOX News? Would they remember how I worked so hard at writing that Rob Zombie himself asked me to interview him, ignoring 21 professional and fully qualified journalists that had actually applied to interview him or the fact that I ended up cracking under my own loneliness and overdosed and killed myself on my own anxiety and depression pills?
I saw a video last night. It was on facebook, it was of an African-American man, long dreadlocks, tattoos on his arms, he looked like someone I could get along with. He talked about how he felt he had to make this video, he felt called to it. He said whoever was watching who wanted to die, he said don't let those thoughts kill you. He said he was praying that that person, or people would stop and live through the night. His name, he said was Trent Shelton. His facebook said he was going to be in my town on August 22. I might go, I don't know, I might not be here then.
Well, I lived through last night. My question is, did anybody but Trent notice or even care?
My phone just rang. I jumped for it, thinking it was someone who noticed my "Would anyone miss me if I disappeared?" status. Nope. Just my weather alert saying there was going to be a flash flood warning until tomorrow morning. This is an awful line, but it's all I can think of: there's a flash flood in my heart because now I can't stop crying.
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